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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to feel so desperately sad because I will never have a daugher?

462 replies

fullofregrets · 02/05/2012 20:07

I know I should be grateful for DS and I am. Really. My longing for a daughter doesn't mean I don't love ny DS. They are two separate things.

My friend has just had a gorgeous little girl and I cannot shake off this desperately desperately sad feeling. I feel like I've lost something which is stupid because I never had it. I suppose what I'm having to say goodbye to is the dream of having a little girl which I've always had.

And I know it can't be anything as feeling as sad as people who can't have any children. I do know that logically, but my heart still hurts. Sad

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 04/05/2012 12:36

good point edless!

Original poster
fullofregrets · 04/05/2012 12:37

Occasionally I wonder if I'm just a bit disappointed in the whole motherhood experience.
I am a Very Bad Person.

OP posts:
Kewcumber · 04/05/2012 12:45

I would say a Very Normal Person.

Most people are better with one age or other. I wasn't naturally suited to the toddler age - way too much mindless running around for my liking. I love love love school - its really interesting and I've learnt loads.

If you have a very active child (like mine) and you aren't very active (like me) then you need to try to find something that you enjoy doing - kite flying, swimming, be the time keeper for a race with a stop watch (always a good one).

SeaHouses · 04/05/2012 12:59

I'm sorry that you are going through these experiences Fullofregrets.

I am very lucky that I have both a boy and a girl. On my first pregnancy, I felt strongly that I was having a boy, and had no preference. During my second pregnancy, I desperately wanted a girl. I will remember getting my scan results and how I felt afterwards for the rest of my life. I feel very blessed. Despite that, I would have liked more children and will not be having any more.

I don't think you can get over it and move on. I think you have to accept your feelings and learn to live with them. I also don't think you should think of other people in worse situations to make you feel better. I don't think it helps. Everyone in the world can think of somebody in a worse situation than themselves.

I also don't think wanting a girl makes you a worse mother to your son, as some posters have suggested. Some people place expectations and unfulfilled dreams on children of both genders. Generally, it is first born children of either gender who have the weight of parental expectation on them.

It is a great sadness for many people that they can't have as many children as they want and that they can't have children of both genders. Sorry that you are in this situation.

kirsty75005 · 04/05/2012 13:00

@fullofregret. I think that quite often we (I definitely include myself in this) tend to get frustrated in the toddler stage because we base a lot of our expectations of being a parent on our memories of being children ourselves, but since we have no memories of being toddlers we often find ourselves trying to be the parent our six year olds selves wanted, which is not what our two year old children need... Did you really enjoy crafts at 2 years old ? Or are you assuming you did because you loved them at 5 ?

Original poster
fullofregrets · 04/05/2012 13:06

Well according to the gospel of truth (my mother) I was always very into drawing and painting. I do think I was actually as I can remember as far back as nursery and I remember enjoying making things and drawing pictures. Some of the pictures my mum has kept have the dates on them and I think I was always one for sitting quietly and drawing. DS is entirely different, but I know logically there is no reason a DD would have been the same as me.
Generally speaking though my friends with DDs say they like drawing and craft. I don't think it helps that I am the only one in my circle of friends without a DD. Friends make comments that I must have a DD because I'm missing out and ill have to try again for a DD, etc.
Mil had three sons and regularly tells me how much she missed out on. She isn't specific as to exactly what though.

OP posts:
SeaHouses · 04/05/2012 13:14

FOR, children change a huge amount! DS was not particularly interested in drawing at 2, now at 13 art is one of his main interests.

I have always like reading, and he didn't read for pleasure between the age of 7-11. Now he reads every day.

Do not worry. He will be interested in all sorts of things over the course of his childhood.

kirsty75005 · 04/05/2012 13:15

You see, off the top of my head I can't think of any two year olds I know who like drawing and crafts. All the children I know who enjoy that are at least two and a half... though that might just be the children I know, of course.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 04/05/2012 13:23

sea sometimes I do imagine going for a scan and bring told 'it's a girl!' I don't let myself imagine too much past that but I know I would be absolutely over the moon.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 04/05/2012 13:30

I was always closer to my dad growing up than my mum, we just had more similar personalities and more interests in common. Always had a slightly tense relationship with my mum tbh.

I wonder if that was a disappointment to her, as she was always very close to her own mother (they were like each other's best friends) and maybe when I was born she imagined having a daughter would be like that (I was her only girl). Things don't always turn out as you imagine though.

ScrambledSmegs · 04/05/2012 13:34

Besides the whole issue of being sad that you don't have a daughter, I'm rather concerned that if you did have a daughter the reality would not live up to the fantasy. You can't pigeonhole a child by gender.

BTW, I'm pregnant with DC2 now and struggling with hyperemesis. It's crap, but I've got an understanding GP who's happy to prescribe some stuff to help, when I feel ready to request it. I'm hoping that it will start to subside soon, but if not I will definitely be taking up my prescription. I don't think hyperemesis is necessarily a reason to not have another child - I lost about a stone in my first trimester with DD, but I've always thought it was worth it.

Original poster
fullofregrets · 04/05/2012 13:43

Possibly the hyperemesis is something I worry about more because of being diabetic and also DH is not especially helpful or supportive. He travels away a lot so would be on my own with a toddler and being ill too would be tricky. Not impossible maybe but certainly difficult. When DH is here he is not massively helpful so that also kind of goes on my list of why I shouldn't have another baby.

OP posts:
ScrambledSmegs · 04/05/2012 13:45

Ah. That doesn't sound good. Is he aware of why you don't want another child with him? Might give him pause, if nothing else.

saintlyjimjams · 04/05/2012 13:48

Well I always tell my three boys that I would gladly swap them for three girls who would sit neatly colouring in. They shout 'nooo mummy' and point light sabres at me. God I love boys.

Came across a great phrase yesterday from E. M. Forster "We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us."

Seems a good way to live life really.

duckdodgers · 04/05/2012 13:49

seahouses, when you say you are very lucky to have a boy and a girl what exactly do you mean? Is it in reply to OP or is it a more genral "Im lucky to have 1 of each"?

The reason I ask is as a Mum of 3 boys (19, 10, 4) its other peoples reactions that bother me more than my own feelings, and this is a common 1 - people I know tellign me they are lucky to have at least 1 of each and the "missing out" implication if you dont have a DD. I cant stand the thoguht of anyone feeling sorry for me - and I know people with DDs have done. I also know I shouldnt let this botehr me so much either!

duckdodgers · 04/05/2012 13:52

Should have said people saying they are lucky to have a boy and a girl says to me Im somehow "unlucky" not to have a DD as if you need a child of each gender.

saintlyjimjams · 04/05/2012 13:52

Oh I get that as well duckdodgers. I just ignore them tbh. My friend who has 3 boys and a girl said to me once 'believe me you don't want a girl' Grin

SeaHouses · 04/05/2012 13:59

Duckdodgers, I think we're talking in general about people's personal feelings, not judgements about other people's lives.

I feel very lucky that I have children at all. That isn't a judgement on people who don't particularly want children.

Ilovedaintynuts · 04/05/2012 14:03

kirsty75005 my response was arsey and I'm sorry. You are right to challenge stereotypical assumptions with science.
I find this subject difficult. I know I'm wrong about men and boys yet I feel what I feel. It sounds stupid I know Sad

duckdodgers · 04/05/2012 14:05

I think normally its ok saintlyjim but Im afraid reading some of the stuff on this thread has brought it to thefore front of my mind Grin.

I particularly abhor this "youre not complete without a girl" rubbish as mentioned here on this thread.

duckdodgers · 04/05/2012 14:07

The problem is seahouses people do make judgements on others lives if they have only boys, I know. And seeing "Im lucky" to me just implies that people without 1 of each arent so lucky.

FunnysInLaJardin · 04/05/2012 14:12

ha ha saintly I say that to my 2 boys too. I say 'why couldn't I have had 2 little girls who will just sit quietly and read, maybe I'll swap you with x' and DS1 looks very earnestly and says 'you wouldn't do that would you, really?' and actually no I wouldn't Grin

SeaHouses · 04/05/2012 14:15

I find it difficult to tell how big an issue something is when people post on the internet.

The OP seems to me to be very upset. It seems to be causing her a lot of sadness that she really did want a girl and can't have one.

And I've responded to her post.

Now, I also understand that there are situations in which comments about children can cause great distress. There are people who don't have any children who have comments made to them which are judgemental and do cause great distress.

I can't tell whether you are saying something similar or not, Duckdodger. You are not bothered about having a girl. You live in a society in which huge numbers of people have only boys or only girls. Is the suggestion that other people consider themselves lucky that they have a girl and a boy actually distressing to you? Does it make you feel sad? Is this an issue to you in the way it is to the OP?

exoticfruits · 04/05/2012 14:22

I'm rather concerned that if you did have a daughter the reality would not live up to the fantasy. You can't pigeonhole a child by gender.

If you have these fantasies it is quite likely that they will be disappointed. A DD may be your soul mate, they have an equal chance of being against anything that you hold dear. It is a complete luck of the draw. You may get on wonderfully well with your own mother and listen to her, your DD might call it interference.
Some things are ridiculous to put down as gender related- as if girls will like art and craft because you do! I have 2 DSs who don't like it and one who always liked it and is making a career of it. I have one DS who likes reading, as much as me, and 2 who don't. I have 2 who love playing and watching football and one who is completely disinterested and won't even watch England play. I have one who is very fashion conscious and 2 who are not. I could go on-the 2/1 combination is different each time.
It is much better to have no expectations and to respond to the DC you have, rather than the one you wanted. It seems as if 'the grass is greener and if only the DC was female she would..............etc, etc -whereas in reality she might not be remotely interested.
Even if she is all that you dreamed about she might not have DCs of her own, she may have them and emigrate to Australia. The possibilities are endless.
Cherish what you have in the here and now.

duckdodgers · 04/05/2012 14:23

Is the suggestion that other people consider themselves lucky that they have a girl and a boy actually distressing to you?

Peopel should think themselves lucky to have healthy chidlren, regardless of gender. Not distressing but annoyed - as if its is the holy grail of families and the ultimate goal is to have 1 of each gender. I speak as someone who had to put up with all sorts of hurtful comments when pregnant with DS3. I do believe that some people do think people without a girl are to be pitied based on these comments, rightly or wrongly. As a pregnant excited Mum to be it wasnt particulalry nice for 1 woman to say, on finding out DS3 was a boy "oh thats a shame".....as if he was relegated to a disappointment.

Yes shes stupid etc, but it makes me angry people really do believe it.