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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make DD invite the boys?

156 replies

purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 11:33

DD's 11th birthday is in 2 weeks and we're sorting out a party - a film evening and food/cake at home. There are only 10 kids in her class - 7 girls and 3 boys. She only wants to invite the girls, plus 3 girls from other classes. She is currently in a sulk because I told her she should invite the boys too.

My reasons for this are: there are only 3 boys so they hardly get to any parties therefore it would be a kind thing to to, and she has been to one of the boys' birthdays already but to invite him but not the other 2 is not on.

She maintains that she doesn't want them and they won't want to come either.

Should I insist?

OP posts:
SearchSquad · 02/05/2012 13:33

purpledragonfruit you did the correct thing and should be proud. I am sure your daughter will appreciate being taught kindness and manners.

There will be plenty of other days in the year when she can have a girls only time without making the boys in her class feeling excluded.

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 13:34

Thank you.

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 02/05/2012 13:36

why would it be silly? The whole point of the thread is to make sure no one left out, there you go purple, not about the boys is it just saving face as someone said upthread.

startail · 02/05/2012 13:39

I think you are being very kind and reasonable to invite the Boys.

If your DD hadn't been to the other boys party that would be a different matter, but she did.

However, in this house I know I wouldn't be allowed to invite the boys!!!

I have to do huge arm twisting to get her to invite girls she doesn't want, but who's parties she attends.

Be warned, once back at your place the girls will vanish into her room and you will be left to find them something to do. She will have made it clear to all her mates that Mum invited them not her.

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 13:40

I couldn't care less about saving face. It's about doing a nice thing and ridiculous to suggest we invite the whole school or whatever just to leave no-one out!

OP posts:
Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 13:42

Startail I am lucky that DD has agreed with me without too much of a sulk, I know that. If the boys are not interested in the film (I think they will be though) they can go off and play outside with DS. I don't mind as long as they have a nice time.

OP posts:
Butkin · 02/05/2012 13:42

Surely you've had about 6 years of inviting all the class. At what stage do you allow her to just have the girls and let her do things that she'd be embarassed to do/talk about in front of boys?

What do the other girls in her class do regarding parties? DD has only had her pick of the girls in her year from 8. Would be different if having, for example, a BBQ, Firework party etc with parents etc.

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 13:46

It varies a lot Butkin. We live overseas and move every 2 years so DD has had big, small and no party in the past! So far this year 3 of the girls had no party and 2 had the whole class.

OP posts:
Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 13:46

Oh and the one who had only the girls.

OP posts:
wolvesarejustoldendaydogs · 02/05/2012 13:51

only joking about a boy doing something unspeakable! i have 2 boys and a girl so unbiased in that respect.

just think the OP's decision was so clearly the right thing to do! But interesting to see how emotionally people feel about it.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/05/2012 13:57

OP's DD did the right thing, the PC thing, but not the thing that will make her happy on her birthday.

People who have said that she can have an all girls get together another time are right, but that won't be for her birthday.

Going from 'She is currently in a sulk because I told her she should invite the boys too' and 'She maintains that she doesn't want them' to being utterly delighted at having them and so so pleased to be doing the right thing doesn't ring true with me. But she knows to pick her battles and I suppose this is a learning curve for her.

OP please make it clear to her that she will have to invite anyone whose party she attends from now on, that way she has some choice in the matter in the future.

Did not realise how cross I would get about this but I can just imagine having a birthday party, really wanting some people there and not others, and DH telling my that I have to invite so-and-so.

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 14:00

I never said she was utterly delighted. But she seems happy.

OP posts:
thebody · 02/05/2012 14:09

I belive in letting my Dcs invite who they like to their birthday parties.

I couldn't give a stuff if they are boys or girls and I would be utterly shocked if a mother was begging invites for her boy, how desperately embarrassing for him and she must be mad.

To me my kids birthdays are all about their choices and happyness and not impressing or creeping around other parents or making a point.

But that's just my opinion.

imnotmymum · 02/05/2012 14:10

Agree knowitall I am so cross about this too and think eh-oh maybe me then purple you put that she not utterly delighted but seems happy, well as long as she seems happy who cares what is in her head. Just keep smiling and all will be OK.

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 14:13

I think the fact that she got over the initial sulk quickly means that it's not a big deal for her. She can do better strops than that, believe me.

OP posts:
minimisschief · 02/05/2012 15:45

why would you make her invite peope she doesn't know or like? when i was younger and had parties i invited my friends.

kickingKcurlyC · 02/05/2012 16:15

I think it's a shame that she is having to invite them really.

I don't think it would be spoiling her awfully to let her have who she wants over on her birthday.

DeWe · 02/05/2012 17:20

You know, my dm used to say things like that about me. "Oh it's no big deal for her", "she seems happy" "I can rely on you to do the right thing".

Only I knew that I was really upset by it and felt I was always expected to give way. Having brought it up with dm at a later date her reaction was very much along the lines of "well if you'd minded, you should have said so then." I had said and was basically emotionally blackmailed into it, but was perceived to have seen dm's case.

And there was one time when I had listed all the children I wanted at my party and dm realised I had only missed one girl off the list. In that case when she pointed it out, I agreed straight away. It was when I did not agree straight away these times happen.

imnotmymum · 02/05/2012 17:30

well lets hope she tries harder next time then to prove her dismay at being told what to do on her birthday

2rebecca · 02/05/2012 17:45

She seems to be being punished for going to a small school where your parents won't let you choose who you socialise with outside of school.
It's a shame if there are only a few of them ? small expat school in that area but it does seem a shame that she can't even escape from those few boys on her birthday party.

OneHandWavingFree · 02/05/2012 17:56

I think it's a bit OTT for strangers to be feeling so sad and sorry for a little girl whose mum is giving her a birthday party and also using the opportunity to pass on her own values re: how to treat other people.

OP asked the question and it's fair enough to say it's unreasonable for her to insist that the boys should come, but all this hand-wringing over her poor, downtrodden dd is fairly ridiculous.

"That is just so sad" "emotional blackmail" "punished" "can't... escape from the boys"

The little girl is being given a birthday party, not being sent off to prison camp for pete's sake!

MaargeritaPracatan · 02/05/2012 18:24

I think it's a bit OTT for strangers to be feeling so sad and sorry for a little girl whose mum is giving her a birthday party -

This is Mumsnet, it's full of strangers putting their two penneth in!

MaargeritaPracatan · 02/05/2012 18:26

And to say it's about teaching her how to treat other people is missing the point somewhat.

imnotmymum · 02/05/2012 18:31

How about how she should treat herself-do not be told what to do and who to be friends with.

MrsTerryPratchett · 02/05/2012 20:52

Would all the people who would let an 11 year old invite who they want extend this to her excluding just one child? Say that she wanted all her class, except one child, would you be fine with that? I think the OP just wants her not to exclude people (boys are people too). I also think that if she is happy to go to a child's party and then not invite him back, when there is not a number pressure issue, that is a bit rude.