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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to make DD invite the boys?

156 replies

purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 11:33

DD's 11th birthday is in 2 weeks and we're sorting out a party - a film evening and food/cake at home. There are only 10 kids in her class - 7 girls and 3 boys. She only wants to invite the girls, plus 3 girls from other classes. She is currently in a sulk because I told her she should invite the boys too.

My reasons for this are: there are only 3 boys so they hardly get to any parties therefore it would be a kind thing to to, and she has been to one of the boys' birthdays already but to invite him but not the other 2 is not on.

She maintains that she doesn't want them and they won't want to come either.

Should I insist?

OP posts:
knowitallstrikesagain · 02/05/2012 11:56

wolves I agree that it is polite to invite someone to your party if you attended theirs, which is why I suggested mum have a chat with her about this. Then it is up to DD to decide whose parties she goes to in future. But at some point, some child will have to be the first not to re-issue an invitation. Maybe the boy always invited your DD because she always invited him and neither of them actually like each other Grin

I sometimes go out with people from work, yet don't feel the need to invite everyone every time. People should be allowed to form friendships, not obligatory companions.

I think 75% is reasonable. If she was inviting 95% it would look personal, but that is 25% (ish) who are not going.

I am sure there are similar problems with classes where there are many more boys than girls and how long would you want to force her to invite people she has no interest in seeing out of school time? Explain about re-issuing invitations being polite, but don't make her have a party she may not enjoy.

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 11:57

If she invites 6 girls that's all the othr girls in the class.

In the end whatever we decide we will go ahead with it. Just trying to do the right thing. We live in a small community so people can build these things up as I'm sure you can imagine. I try to ignore all that usually.

OP posts:
thebody · 02/05/2012 11:58

Sorry I think u are being mean, it's her party not yours? Would you invite adults you didn't like or want to a party??

Why ruin her day to please other children and parents.?

Blimey!!!

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 11:59

She doesn't really get on with the boys - not actively dislike them but don't have much to do with each other. She went to the boy's party for the entertainment and food I suppose. So he could do the same.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 02/05/2012 12:02

Blimey I'm not issuing invitations back to everyone in dds class who invited us
Loads of them did whole class parties
No way am I doing a whole class party
Where would it end?
You don't invite people to a party in order to get an invite back Confused
DD is in reception and we're going to invite the children that she is friends with. That seems normal to me.

imnotmymum · 02/05/2012 12:04

purple-I think you answered your own question. They do not have much to do with each other when spend 5 days a week in a small class so why would she want to spend time with them on her birthday.

Birdsgottafly · 02/05/2012 12:05

It also depends on the choice of film, having boys around at this age changes the whole dynamics.

They are hitting puberty and should not be forced into inviting any one to their party.

You are in danger of ruining her party, so what is the point of her having one?

If you are worried about upsetting people, have a babecue over summer, then you can inite who you want.

peugotgringo · 02/05/2012 12:05

I think they should be invited. However when they realise it's probabaly going to be girly films they are watching they won't want to go anyway!

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 12:09

It would of course be different if a bigger class.

She wants something like Johnny English or Karate Kid so not too girly I don't think? She is not at all girly.

OP posts:
MaargeritaPracatan · 02/05/2012 12:11

Aww, listen to her, she doesn't want them there, let her have her way on her birthday.

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 12:16

She actually is a very sweet girl with a strong conscience so I suspect she will come down from her room soon and say she understands why I want her to invite the boys.

It's such a small school and everyone knows everyone.

OP posts:
SardineQueen · 02/05/2012 12:17

It's always the very sweet girls with the strong consciences who end up doing things they don't want to do to keep others happy.

Poor thing.

MissCeliaFoote · 02/05/2012 12:19

I remember being 11, and finding it really exciting to have my friends (always girls) over for a film night or whatever - it makes you feel really grown up and it's a totally different atmosphere to when there are boys invited. Please just let her have whoever she wants!

imnotmymum · 02/05/2012 12:20

Thank you Sardine I know I wanted to say something but did not know what to put. This has nothing to do with conscience IMO just you making her feel guilty, do not wish to be rude OP really not just cannot understand. If my kids have a party I ask who they want and hey presto they get it.

IKilledIgglePiggle · 02/05/2012 12:20

I think you sound nice OP and I too would invite the boys, my 10 yo DS has always had friends who are girls and boys, I think it's quite healthy. It's not exactly a sleep over is it.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/05/2012 12:20

That does make it sound a bit like she has been guilt tripped into inviting them. Put like this: She will have a better time without them there. She may resent having them there. When she is 16, will she still have to invite people she doesn't want to? Maybe this should have been discussed when she was getting and accepting invites, eg. 'DD if you go to this party, this person has to come to yours', and then let her make the choice.

MaargeritaPracatan · 02/05/2012 12:21

As long as you & everyone else is happy, then.

HeathRobinson · 02/05/2012 12:22

Please don't ruin her birthday.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/05/2012 12:22

IgglePiggle I think it is healthy to have friends of each sex, but I also think it is healthy to accept that children and young adults may go through phases of interests and lifestyles and let them choose their own companions at each stage. As long as a child is not being mean or deliberatly trying to hurt someone, why make her feel guilty?

SardineQueen · 02/05/2012 12:23

Can't she just have what she wants this one time?
Especially if she is so good and eager to please and all the rest of it. Please?

Original poster
purpledragonfruit · 02/05/2012 12:23

Maybe you are right, I should have discussed this before, but it never entered my head! When the boy's invitation arrived I just assumed she wanted to go and she did want to!

OP posts:
imnotmymum · 02/05/2012 12:24

I do not think or one minute Ikilled that people are saying no to the boy thing as they are boys, of course kids have friends of both sexes, just the point that she does not want them there as an individual regardless of sex they are not her friend.

knowitallstrikesagain · 02/05/2012 12:25

Also, if this is a PR exercise for you, and you are the one who it will reflect on, just have a party another time and invite everyone. Call it a summer party or a BBQ, whatever you like, and then you get to look good and DD gets what she wants on her birthday.

SardineQueen · 02/05/2012 12:25

"I think you sound nice OP and I too would invite the boys, my 10 yo DS has always had friends who are girls and boys, I think it's quite healthy. It's not exactly a sleep over is it."

Igglepiggle yes and the children invited to my (younger) child's birthday will be a mix as my child has friends who are a mix.

I am very dubious about single sex parties at young ages, it is imposing and reinforcing an artificial divide.

But at 11? Different thing entirely. She should be allowed to invite the people she gets on with. If those people happen to be girls then so be it.

SardineQueen · 02/05/2012 12:26

knowitall's idea is really good if you have the money and patience?

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