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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To keep DD off school tomorrow just because I want to take her to see my Mum?

239 replies

TheHouseOnTheCorner · 01/05/2012 22:24

She's 7 and in year three. My Mum hasn't been well but is better now...she's had a run of crap luck and her car is now off the road. It MAY be fixable or not and I know she wont be able to afford another one really. It's her birthday tomorrow (mums) and I am planning to go on the train with DD aged 4 tto visit her...take a present etc...I know Mum will like this.

I want, I have just decided to take DD1 aswell. Mainly because Mum will like this and because DD will like it. We rarely go there as I dont drive and Mum hasnt been here for about 3 weeks...not long...but it is when you're 7 and haven't seen your Gran in ages....and you're used to seeing her three times a week.

AIBU to give DD the day off and take her to see Mum instead? She's probably had about 4 or 5 days off this year through sickness.

OP posts:
SeaSnake · 03/05/2012 07:47

I would take her and just say to the school that your mother has been ill recently & you are going to spend her birthday with her.. Family time is important. It doesn't sound like you are planning to do this EVERY year, it's a one off due to the circumstances.

bigmouthstrikesagain · 03/05/2012 09:39

This thread reminds me that Mum took me and my sister out of school (saying we were ill probably) to see Gremlins on the day it came out at the cinema Shock ... I remember it well as she got really flustered when the local radio bloke came to us in the line and decided to interview her. Grin I suppose that should have meant I was doomed to leave school with no respect for education, fortunately I overcame my Mothers shocking attitude and got a degree and post grad and everything! I will also use MY judgement when it comes to deciding when I take MY children out of school (but it won't be to go to the cinemaWink).

bigmouthstrikesagain · 03/05/2012 09:45

Not Gremlins E.T. !!!

elizaregina · 03/05/2012 09:47

Floggingmolly
"Erm Eliza, Granny would still be there three days later, you know? When the op, who works for herself, apparently can't get the day off work..."

Actually, ERM........as someone whose mother was there one day fine and healthy and then didnt come home the next I totally and utterly disagree with you. Whole heartedly. As someone whose brother was there one day fine and healthy and then gone the nesxt, I totally and utterly disagre with you.

Life on this earth is fragile and non of know if we will be here tomorow, most of us will but we dont know that.

School will be there the next day, you cant guarantee any of us will be here the next day.

Family values are a gripe most people moan about in this country, here is a fine example of someone saying - granny is important, she is showing, a kind, caring side, thinking of others. She should be applauded. Its granny not the cinema.

alwaystheblacksheep · 03/05/2012 09:52

I wouldn't. Sorry.

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2012 09:59

My Mum died aged 70 and my DSis died very suddenly at the age of 36.

You can't keep taking your kids out of school to visit people on their Birthdays just because they might not have many more left.

Where would that end?

Granny x2
Grandad x2
Uncles x however many
Aunties x however many
Mum
Dad
Brothers x however many
Sisters x however many

It's ridiculous. A hospital visit yes but Birthdays?? Confused

belfaft1981 · 03/05/2012 10:06

Eliza so very true. Sorry for your losses.
My sister went to bed one night and never woke up the next day. My mum went away on holiday, had a fall, ended up in a coma and never came round.
I only ever knew one grandparent who died when I was 8 and I feel sad my dc only have 1 grandparent left.
worra of course people shouldn't make a habit of doing it. However, op was only considering doing it once. In fact in the end she decided against it.

AThingInYourLife · 03/05/2012 10:07

The "people might die" argument is hilarious.

By that logic children should spend all their time visiting relatives in case they unexpectedly cark it and never go to school.

"I'm sorry, William won't be at school tomorrow. We're going to visit his grandmother, and it's very important we go today because sometimes PEOPLE DIE!!"

:o

AmberLeaf · 03/05/2012 10:11

Thats a bit flippant AThingInYourLife

That way of looking at it obviously doesnt mean children should spend 'all their time' visiting relatives.

WorraLiberty · 03/05/2012 10:14

I know that belfaft, it wasn't the OP I was answering...it was whoever used the reason that some people are fine and healthy one day and die the next.

That's exactly what happened to my DSis, but I still realise we can't function as a society if we worried about that sort of thing every day.

tantrumsandballoons · 03/05/2012 10:28

I don't think it would be acceptable to any parent if the school their dc was attended was put into special measures due to attendance falling below the level expected.
Now if every child was taking a day off to visit relatives once or twice a year or to celebrate a birthday, or go to the dentist or go on holiday because it's cheaper, it would happen.

People have a tendency to say "it won't do them any harm to have a few days off" no, maybe it won't do YOUR child any harm in terms of their education at 7 but all the people advocating this idea, how would you react if your DCs school, a school you know is a good place, that you were happy with WAS put in special measures due to attendance?

IMHO it's not just about whether it's ok for you to do it just this once, there's a bigger picture.
Children registered at a school have to attend school every day, a visit to gran isn't a valid reason to take a day off here and there.

MushroomSoup · 03/05/2012 11:51

Completely irrelevant to OP (Sorry!) but relevant to many posters, can I just say that an Ofsted Inspection doesn't give us 'time to get our shit together'! We have a 2 day window between first contact and full inspection. That's not enough time to rewrite shit policies, sack poorly performing teachers, make satisfactory teachers good or raise results. It's enough time to tidy the library and make sure the displays aren't tatty! Ofsted l

MushroomSoup · 03/05/2012 11:56

Oops, hit the post button!

Ofsted looks at how the school is performing NOW and over the last few years. And a school I'm a Governor at recently got a 'good' grading and only missed being 'outstanding' because 6% of the pupils are 'persistent absentees' and this brings the attendance rate of the school lower than the satisfactory rate. At primary level, these are not truants; they're kids having days off with parents when they feel like it (not saying OP falls into this camp).

But totally agree with the poster (so sorry, I've lost you!) who said parents should always get into their local schools and find out for themselves if it feels right for their DCs. An outstanding school in academic terms might not be the right place for a child with emotional needs, or a shy child etc.

tantrumsandballoons · 03/05/2012 12:27

But parents who have DCs at a school they are very happy with would no doubt be upset if the school was put under special measures due to absences. That's why in saying its not that one day will harm your 7 year olds education, it's the whole picture, what would happen if EVERYONE did it?

Ramekin · 03/05/2012 12:46

But there's no real reason to be upset if a school you were attending was put into special measures, because of attendance figures. It isn't a punishment, is it? Surely schools in special measures get extra funding and support to help sort out any issues?
Once you are already at the school, if you are happy with it, you are happy with it. Surely it makes no actual difference to you if an Ofsted inspector deems it "outstanding" or not Confused.

Floggingmolly · 03/05/2012 13:04

Eliza on that basis the op would have gone last weekend. Or any time during the last three weeks actually. The logic doesn't work.

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2012 13:17

I've been really shocked at this thread. I think everyone here would consider themselves to be mature, intelligent women and yet so many are recommending the OP takes her child out of school to visit her mum, when there's nothing wrong with her mum and when she saw her three weeks ago. The idea that her mum might not be around forever isn't an excuse or a reason - we'd never go to work if we thought we had to be with our relatives in case they died. It's just ridiculous.

I'm an A level teacher and it's always really clear who is going to achieve their potential and it's nothing to do with ability but everything to do with attitude. Students tend to be in either every day or they regularly miss lessons. Those that miss lessons miss them because they thought they might be ill, their mums thought they (the mums) might be ill, their neighbour's child had to be taken to school, their aunt needed something picking up from the shop etc. Any excuse, really. And by then it's too late to teach them the importance of being in every day - they just don't get it because they come from families where absence from school is normal and even encouraged.

How can you expect children to do well if you have an attitude like that? How do you expect them to have a happy school life if they are allowed to stay off for flimsy excuses? What do you think working life will be like for them if they struggle to attend every day? What kind of reference would they get from a school where their absences are without reason?

I'd be ashamed of my daughter if she brought up her children to take time off school just because they fancied it.

difficultpickle · 03/05/2012 14:33

Ds is changing schools and being asked to make a big commitment to school life and a particular activity. I've been told ds cannot miss the activity for reasons like grandma's 70th birthday party, a family trip to the football etc (examples given in the handbook). Making a commitment to going to school every day (and as a parent ensuring that commitment is fulfilled) is a good lesson to learn early in life.

Ds has a trial at his new school today which he knows he needs to do before I sign but which he was reluctant to do as it meant missing a day at his current school. He has had two days off sick in his school life and both those were when I was away for work and he was staying with grandma (who is more indulgent with her gdcs than she ever was with her dcs!).

HopeForTheBest · 03/05/2012 16:04

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ on request of its author.

difficultpickle · 03/05/2012 16:51

Depends what you sign up for. If you know in advance that those are the type of restrictions you will face then I don't see the problem. Ds is going to be a chorister. His choice but once he commits it is a very serious commitment. Fortunately he already appreciates commitment through his school attendance.

SodThat · 03/05/2012 20:04

emmaCat - thanks Grin

mushroom - You may have 2 days official warning, but I do know you are aware it is up and coming. Everything bar the actual date.
My next door nieghbour is a Headmaster. He has been working towards the ofsted for Months. Late nights in school and paperwork all weekend. So yes, you are right tht you have 2 days, but it is most certainly not unexpected.

DumSpiroSpero · 03/05/2012 21:27

The "people might die" argument is hilarious.

Probably not so much to those who have lost loved ones suddenly. You know you can have a different opinion and make that point without being hurtful and offensive? Hmm

SodThat · 03/05/2012 21:33

Agree Dum - it was not an appropriate remark to say when there are some on this thread who had lost loved ones in such a way.

DumSpiroSpero · 03/05/2012 22:07

I'm lucky not to be one of those people, but my mum lost both her parents suddenly, her dad when she was only 12. When my nan died I was about 6 and thirty later I can still recall my mum's breakdown that followed and she still suffers from severe phobias and panic attacks which affect not only her life, but mine and my dad's as well.

Rightly or wrongly, it really does alter your perspective on this kind of thing.

ImperialBlether · 03/05/2012 22:09

But that's just ridiculous. Of course it's devastating to lose your parents at any age, but particularly when very young.

That's nothing to do with the OP's scenario, though, is it? Her mum is perfectly well and they only saw her three weeks ago. You can't justify taking a child out of school in those circumstances.

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