To think DH is being unrealistic?

[WeWereOnABreak]

Expecting me to jump straight into a highly paid, full time job after being a stay at home mum for the past 8 years?

I've namechanged BTW as DH knows my username on here.

I have been a stay at home mum for 8 years as I said. DH has a well paid job and we don't need me to work, and in any case DH's long hours and having to work away overnight mean that it would be impossible for me to do anything that fits in with his hours, and if I paid for childcare then it just wouldn't be worth it for us financially as obviously I have been out of the workplace for many years so wouldn't be able to have a well paid job and the extra would all get eaten up in childcare.

Anyway, our youngest is due to go to school next year, in September. He will have turned 4 about 4 weeks beforehand. DH is already making comments towards me about how it would be great if I could get a job paying 30 or 40k per year when DS starts school. I keep saying to him that firstly, no way will I be able to command a salary of 30 or 40k on returning to work after a 9 year (by that time) career break. Secondly, I think it's unrealistic of him to expect that I will just go back full time. I would love to go back to work part time but I think full time will just be too much given that DS will only be little and I'd like to be able to take him to school and pick him up at least part of the time and to spend time with him. Also my DH does nothing at all in the house. No laundry, no housework, no help with bathtimes and bedtimes, no cooking nothing. He also creates mess everywhere and won't even put his plate in the dishwasher. If I went to work I am certain very little would change with this and I would have the additional stress of a full time job in addition to doing absolutely everything around the house.

What I would really love to do, is to do a part time beauty therapy course once DS starts school. Then once qualified I'd like to work 2 or maybe 3 days a week, once of which would be a Saturday and DH could have the children or my sister would have them if DH was working. Then I would still be able to pick DS up from school the majority of time in the week and I'd be doing a job I loved. DH poo-poos the idea though and says I won't make enough money (although I do know some that earn well, although not mega bucks from beauty therapy). But I don't really care about earning a high salary, job satisfaction is more important to me. When I left school I was forced by my parents into doing business administration and so did office jobs, which I hated, until I had the DCs, and I really want to try and have a career that I really enjoy or else I will hate going to work. DH keeps banging on about doing an accountancy course and the whole thought of that fills me with horror, it wouldn't be my cup of tea at all.

Am I being unreasonable to think his expectations are unrealistic? As I said before, he has a very well paid job, we don't need the money of me working. If we did I would be working now in any job I could get. But as we don't need the money it seems silly to just shoehorn me into anything and expect I'm going to earn 30 or 40k. Also the thought of doing something I hate again, like I hated office work, makes me panicky.

I don't know about 'unreasonable' but, if you've got very different ideas of what your new career is going to look like, you should have a grown-up discussion about it and reach an agreement. It'll be you doing the job so I would say your views & preferences have to take priority.

Believe me Cogito, I have tried to have grown up discussions about it. To DH, reaching an agreement means doing what he says but I'm not willing to give in to him this time

I really don't feel he should have any say on my career tbh. I've not had any say in his career. He's carried on with his career, applying for any jobs he likes, turning down some he didn't with me holding the fort at home enabling him to do this. And I had no say in any career moves he made.

Tell him you are doing your beauty thearapy course and if he wants you to be making a lot of money then he can support you in the opening of your own highly original spa/salon when you are qualfied.

Tell him.

I would NEVER tell my partner what to do re their job. I think it is disgusting that so many ouples seem to thinnk they each have a say in the other ones career. YOUR life...your job. You are the one who has to go daily to your job so YOU decide.

If you don't need the money I would just tell dh I will be doing a college course because I'm not interested in office work so I need to retrain. Does he find it stressful being the sole wage earner? Was he supportive of you being a sahm?

Weird. Why does a man who is currently in the workplace think that a woman who hasn't had a paid job for almost a decade can pick up a well paid position just like that? Is there something you aren't telling us? Are you the world's leading authority on asteroid mining or something such that your sector is screaming out for you to come back?

Seriously, what did you do before you had the DCs?
And more to the point, what does DH earn and why has he landed on £40k as the ideal salary for you?

Thank you MrsShitty, that is what I think too. And that is exactly what DH said to me a couple of years ago when he had the chance to take a more family-friendly job, that is was his career and up to him what he did. He didn't take the job of course. But then is trying to dictate to me.

I think his expectations are unrealistic, yes.

I wonder what the thought process is behind this though?

Does he hate his job, and is hoping to be able to ease up a bit and share the financial responsibility?

Or, does he have no idea of how much you actually do in terms of childcare, house work etc?

I think you need to have a proper conversation about this, and if I were you I would actually prepare a spread sheet that includes the cost of child care, training costs, potential income, the share of domestic responsibilities he would have to take on if you were working full time etc.

It sounds as if he hasn't really thought it through.

OTOH, you need to think very carefully about your plans too. I ran a business from home until I had my 3rd child. I found the child care costs wiped out all my income and I ended up closing my business, retraining and going back to a salaried job. It took me 3 years of working and paying child care before I was actually able to keep a decent portion of my salary.

What will your DH want to do about child care in the school holidays for example?

Lots to discuss.

You do need to sit down & discuss this with him. Along with a discussion about childcare & the need for a cleaner & cook at home in the event you do go full time. You can't be expected to work 35 hours (plus commutes etc) outside the home then come home and carry on working some more.

X posted because it took me so long to type that!

fatfingers, yes, we made the choice together. He likes me being at home so he can get away with doing sweet FA in the house.

carabos, LOL that would be fun to have a unique skill like that but alas no, it was just bog standard administration work really. Have no idea why he's landed on 40k as the ideal salary for me. He earns around 80k per year. We don't live in London and so are very comfortably off on this money.

I am in the same situation, been out of the job market for years. YANBU, you won't just walk into a highly paid job which lets you have flexible hours for the school run. Also, who will cover the school holidays- would DH use up some of his annual leave to look after the children? Thought not. I would say you need to be firm and dig your heels in if he really won't be reasonable.

Thirty or forty grand? Hahaaaaaa, good one!

And what they said ^.

I'm sorry to say this but he sounds like an unrealistic arse.
And obviously what everyone else helpfully said, but I can't think of anything else to add.
Sorry. Arse again.

I can guarantee that if I went back full time I would end up making childcare arrangements. I would be the one picking the DCs up if they were sent home from school ill or would have to take a day off if they were off ill.

DH does have a lot of pie in the sky ideas about a lot of things, sometimes I think he's not in the real world.

He's really happy in his job, he loves it and has applied for a promotion and is doing another qualification to enable him to move up the career ladder more.

I think he wants me to do this accountancy qualification so that I can work from home. But I keep trying to get across to him that it would not be a case of doing a year long course and then off I go earning loads of money working for myself. It would be a lot of training and working before I could get to that level.

you need to do what you want to do as a career, epecially if you have the choice (which I've assumed you doing because you said you don't need to finanically. Nothing worse in working when you don't like you job.

Why does he poo-poo beauty therapy? you can make good money with it, so is there more to it, is him wanting yu to have a job but only a certain type a vanity thing?

Also you need to talk to about him doing nthing in the house, even with you as a SAHM that is unreasonable. Not lifting your plate off the table is bone idel and demeaning towards you.

By jsu using what's in your OP it sounds like you chose a similar husband to your parents. Controlling and not very thoughtful to what you want in life.

Also - because of his earnings you won't get any help with retraining costs, so that will have to be factored in.

I got on a training course through the job centre, but because DH was earning I had to pay the full cost of the course plus the child care costs while I was doing it. Not cheap at nearly £2K before I even got back to work.

Yes I think you are very right there Moln.

I guess pie in the sky also involves believing that you working from home full time means you have time to look after the dc and do all the house work? After all you are at home aren't you?

In all seriousness, I would ask him for a proposal. Because he's plucked a figure out of the air that I just don't think he can back up.

Ask him to list what jobs you are qualified for that command that salary for someone who has been out of the workforce for 9 years.

And he also has to show how childcare will work. How much it will cost and how it will be paid. Who will do the drop offs and pick ups, etc. Who will be the one called out of work if the children are sick.

And housework - how will the housework be divided. Who will do the shopping. Who will manage the bills etc.

You have to make HIM come up with how the whole thing fits together.

ATM he's just "go out and earn £40,000". Well, that's not good enough. He needs to show how it's going to work.

You will lose CB next year so maybe he has realised this and would like to make up the shortfall?

Go with your heart, you are at work too many hours each week to hate it. I find my office job a bit dull but I don't hate it.

Yes, he is being unrealistic. But I sense that maybe he is anxious about your financial future if he continues to be the main breadwinner?

You need to have a proper, thrash-it-out conversation. You could earn good money from a beauty business eventually, but he has to be on board with financing a training course and the years when you will be earning evry little (beauty isnt a well paid career if you are part time and working for someone else, lets be honest).

Tackle the housework issue, too. Why does he do nothing? He is not a child.

3littlefrogs, DH has suggested I do courses costing in excess of 2k so money wouldn't be an issue. I would be happy to pay 2k for a beauty therapy course if it meant I could do a job I loved. And there wouldn't be childcare costs as the course is run within school hours and all my DCs would be in school.

I have tried explaining to DH that if I don't do any training courses there will be even less chance of me earning a really good salary eventually. I couldn't earn a 30 or 40k salary doing what I did before, answering phones and filing.

YANBU at all, and your husband is being a bit of a dick about all this.

Firstly, don't let him devalue what you are doing now - he would not be able to work and be a lazy fucker the rest of the time if you were not at home doing everything else.

That needs to change, pronto.

Secondly, someone without specific qualifications and recent experience is not going to walk into a 30 - 40k job. Does he live in a cave - he does know there's a recession, right?

My advice would be to tell him that yes, you will look for a full time job, but in preparation for this, you need to have a trial of how the logistics are going to work out. So he will have to do 50% of the child care, outside of school hours - that means getting up in the night if the child wakes, helping with packed lunches/baths/bedtime and 50% of housework. No more sitting on his arse and leaving it to you.

If he doesn't pull his weight, you don't work full time. End of!

Thirdly, your dreams for your career are as important as his. It is not for him to tell you what you can and cannot do in career terms.

You need to remind him of this and don't let him run you down with any bullshit about how he has supported you for all these years - you have supported each other.

You could never earn even £30k a year as a beauty therapist, unless you worked long hours.