To think DH is being unrealistic?

[WeWereOnABreak]

Expecting me to jump straight into a highly paid, full time job after being a stay at home mum for the past 8 years?

I've namechanged BTW as DH knows my username on here.

I have been a stay at home mum for 8 years as I said. DH has a well paid job and we don't need me to work, and in any case DH's long hours and having to work away overnight mean that it would be impossible for me to do anything that fits in with his hours, and if I paid for childcare then it just wouldn't be worth it for us financially as obviously I have been out of the workplace for many years so wouldn't be able to have a well paid job and the extra would all get eaten up in childcare.

Anyway, our youngest is due to go to school next year, in September. He will have turned 4 about 4 weeks beforehand. DH is already making comments towards me about how it would be great if I could get a job paying 30 or 40k per year when DS starts school. I keep saying to him that firstly, no way will I be able to command a salary of 30 or 40k on returning to work after a 9 year (by that time) career break. Secondly, I think it's unrealistic of him to expect that I will just go back full time. I would love to go back to work part time but I think full time will just be too much given that DS will only be little and I'd like to be able to take him to school and pick him up at least part of the time and to spend time with him. Also my DH does nothing at all in the house. No laundry, no housework, no help with bathtimes and bedtimes, no cooking nothing. He also creates mess everywhere and won't even put his plate in the dishwasher. If I went to work I am certain very little would change with this and I would have the additional stress of a full time job in addition to doing absolutely everything around the house.

What I would really love to do, is to do a part time beauty therapy course once DS starts school. Then once qualified I'd like to work 2 or maybe 3 days a week, once of which would be a Saturday and DH could have the children or my sister would have them if DH was working. Then I would still be able to pick DS up from school the majority of time in the week and I'd be doing a job I loved. DH poo-poos the idea though and says I won't make enough money (although I do know some that earn well, although not mega bucks from beauty therapy). But I don't really care about earning a high salary, job satisfaction is more important to me. When I left school I was forced by my parents into doing business administration and so did office jobs, which I hated, until I had the DCs, and I really want to try and have a career that I really enjoy or else I will hate going to work. DH keeps banging on about doing an accountancy course and the whole thought of that fills me with horror, it wouldn't be my cup of tea at all.

Am I being unreasonable to think his expectations are unrealistic? As I said before, he has a very well paid job, we don't need the money of me working. If we did I would be working now in any job I could get. But as we don't need the money it seems silly to just shoehorn me into anything and expect I'm going to earn 30 or 40k. Also the thought of doing something I hate again, like I hated office work, makes me panicky.

Gnome, it's one thing for a sahm of school age children to do the majority of the housework, but her husband won't even put his own plate in the dishwasher! The OP says he creates mess and does nothing in the home. SAHM does not = skivvy for lazy pig of a husband.

Thank you for your wisdom, GnomeDePlume and for reading things into my post that weren't there!

"- once DCs are all at school then you probably should look to find something else to do other than SAHM

• when you are a SAHM with older children youshould be doing all the housework
• look seriously at the career options open to you. Stop plucking numbers out of the air
• if you want to start a business then you need a business plan: what services, prices, marketing, tax"

I did say in my first post that I WANT to work when DS starts school
I haven't got OLDER children, my DS is two, and as stated I DO do all the housework
I haven't plucked any numbers out of the air
I haven't said I wanted to start a business

So you've managed to come up with 4 imaginary things I've said in my post and then come up with patronising replies to them all. Get lost.

Thank you to everyone that has offered supportive and constructive replies. Always a case with Mumsnet though that someone reads a load of bullshit into a post and starts inventing things the OP has done to be unreasonable. So I'm going to bow out of this thread now.

Maybe you husband also wants to work as a beauty therapist 2 or 3 days a week? What would happen if he does exactly what you want to do?

No don't go OP we are supporting you here.

Mobile beauty therapy sounds good to me, lots of people are going on about mobile hairdressers so mobile facials etc could be very good.

I still think your DH sounds like a knob. He shouldn't be dictating your career.

Is your husband aware of the recession or has he ignored the news in the same way as he ignores housework?

Yanbu you can do what you want with your life and career

YANBU and your DH is being unrealistic to say the least. However, you should play him at his own game. Sit down with the schedule for your child/ren - drop off times etc and all the things that need doing around the house and say OK DH,imagine I amworking 9-5, I will be leaving at X time and returning at Y time so our child will be in and ask him to put forward ides on what he will be doing and how it will be divided. How will he cover holidays/ cost of childcare/ill kids.

Then show him what jobs you could go for given your exoperience and what they earn.

Reality check.

OP - tell your DH that I am a qualified chartered accountant, 20+ years of experience, I have been a finance director for large and small companies pre-children earning between £75- £125k pa.

I am looking for work now and am struggling to find part-time work at any salary in excess of £30k.

You would be way way down the pecking order than me (I hope!) and as accountancy isn't something you are particularly interested in unlikely to qualify anyway. It took me three years to qualify after a degree in economics.

Emsie, as I have said I do wish to start earning again once DS goes to school. I don't agree with all the big responsibility thing though. We chose - together - that one parent would stay at home, that parent was me. I could argue that it's been a big responsibility caring for 3 children singlehandedly and running the home, and that I should reasonably be able to expect him to contribute practically in the house.

There is more to this than my poor old DH working his fingers to the bone to support us all.

And the more I think about him thinking he has the right to have any input into my career the angrier I feel, and as I've had no input or consideration with regards to his career I shall afford him the same courtesy and do as I please.

And I really am bowing out now, I really can't be bothered with the threads about how my DH is working so hard and it must be so difficult for him (so difficult he cannot even pick up his towel off the bathroom floor clearly), with plenty of mentions about how I need to contribute financially but little mentions of how he needs to contribute in the home too.

So once again thank you to those that have been supportive and have got the true jist of what I was saying in my first post.

Mine is the same. So. I am going back to work FT, earning whatever I can get (will be less than half of what I was on before), but will be treating the job the way he treats his. The be all and end all. I will not be picking up after him in the house any more, or staying in to wait for deliveries, or taking time off to be there for builders etc. He can sort all that himself. I will also employ a housekeeper, gardener and dog walker, because frankly he can afford it and the sudden dip in his money to spend on cars will hit him where it hurts.

I'd say, just get a job, and watch the fall out. Some DHs (mine and yours included) have NO idea what running a house entails.

When my husband has been offered new jobs, we've discussed it and decided together whether or not he should accept, based on how it affects us as a family. Obviously, I would not expect him to take a job he hated, but hours/overnight travel/salary/career commitments/location all do have an impact on the whole family. Therefore major career decisions should be discussed and agreed to.

Given that he hasn't afforded you that courtesy, you are quite right to tell him that you will be behaving exactly as he has, wrt your own career.

Haven't read the whole thread so sorry if someone has already asked... But how will you pAy for the course. You say DH will pay for courses, but I'd he sees the beauty therapy course as a waste of time/money, then surely he won't be paying for it?

Another tit thread. I think BT is a good idea.

It does seem very sexist, you expect him to work many hours to support you and the household but when he expects you to return to work its only you that can choose the hours etc. On that part YABVU.

He is BU to expect you to walk into a £30k job after not working for many years.

Showmethemhappyfeet, why are you assuming that because I don't work all of the household money belongs to my husband? Is it because he is the earner?

Sexist?? You are having a laugh. The op and DH agreed she would SAHM. Op does all the house old work plus cares for 3, children. FGS.

WeWereOnABreak- some people get it it it, some people spectacularly do not.

My college funded my course as it was my first level 2 course. It would have been 1.4k otherwise + kit and uniform, however most colleges I looked into have the opportunity to pay by term/half term, you also get a lot of business skills and science in the course and advice from companies and insurance specialists when finishing, I have had the opportunity to get certificated in 5 additional modules for between £10-£100 each which is a fraction of the cost compared to if I was doing these modules outside of my course.

But surely the OP has some say over the household money? This has been thrashed out time and again on here - just because one partner gets the salary, when the other stays at home, doesn't mean it's all the WOHM partner's cash and they get total say. This is family money.

Re the beauty therapy in recession, in my area the one thing that's been opening, not closing down, the last few years has been beauty salons and nail bars...

I'm with lebof

HappyMummy, so you are saying that only he can choose the hours then? I want to do part time, he wants me to do full time, so basically you're saying do as he says and let him dictate as the poor man has been working for all these years? Unbelievable. What about my expectations? Or do they not matter as he's been working outside the home and I haven't? What about him being unreasonable in doing nothing around the house, because you've not homed in on that, presumably because it doesn't affect my DH.

I actually find your attitude and your post extremely offensive.

OP, YANBU. I haven't read the other replies but as someone who has been out of work for 14 months to have a baby (was made redundant whilst pregnant) with 5 years PA experience in the City I am STRUGGLING to find a job which fits in with childcare hours. My last job offer pre baby was mid 40s, I am being told by recruiters I will now have to settle for somewhere between low 20s and 30 (pro rata) as I'm looking for part time and having been out of the workforce, despite my technical skills being well above average. I have been told employers will use my time out of the workforce to pay me less and that part time always pays less even though you're doing the same job, for example, if it's a job share. There are so many people out there looking for work that don't have the same downsides as me (having to leave by 5 to do the nursery pick up for example, rules out a lot of big companies). So your husband is being VVU to think you will be able to walk back into a well paid job after 9 years out of work. I'm sure you're more than capable but the reality is that the jobs market is so so tough, why would they take you and pay you that when there are so many other candidates available to them?

"but when he expects you to return to work its only you that can choose the hours etc" becasue he does none NONE of the housework or even his own washing, ironing and no childcare (bed tiem bath time etc).

Its far from certain she'd even earn enough to pay for childcare. He is living in (sexist) cloud cuckoo land