To think DH is being unrealistic?

[WeWereOnABreak]

Expecting me to jump straight into a highly paid, full time job after being a stay at home mum for the past 8 years?

I've namechanged BTW as DH knows my username on here.

I have been a stay at home mum for 8 years as I said. DH has a well paid job and we don't need me to work, and in any case DH's long hours and having to work away overnight mean that it would be impossible for me to do anything that fits in with his hours, and if I paid for childcare then it just wouldn't be worth it for us financially as obviously I have been out of the workplace for many years so wouldn't be able to have a well paid job and the extra would all get eaten up in childcare.

Anyway, our youngest is due to go to school next year, in September. He will have turned 4 about 4 weeks beforehand. DH is already making comments towards me about how it would be great if I could get a job paying 30 or 40k per year when DS starts school. I keep saying to him that firstly, no way will I be able to command a salary of 30 or 40k on returning to work after a 9 year (by that time) career break. Secondly, I think it's unrealistic of him to expect that I will just go back full time. I would love to go back to work part time but I think full time will just be too much given that DS will only be little and I'd like to be able to take him to school and pick him up at least part of the time and to spend time with him. Also my DH does nothing at all in the house. No laundry, no housework, no help with bathtimes and bedtimes, no cooking nothing. He also creates mess everywhere and won't even put his plate in the dishwasher. If I went to work I am certain very little would change with this and I would have the additional stress of a full time job in addition to doing absolutely everything around the house.

What I would really love to do, is to do a part time beauty therapy course once DS starts school. Then once qualified I'd like to work 2 or maybe 3 days a week, once of which would be a Saturday and DH could have the children or my sister would have them if DH was working. Then I would still be able to pick DS up from school the majority of time in the week and I'd be doing a job I loved. DH poo-poos the idea though and says I won't make enough money (although I do know some that earn well, although not mega bucks from beauty therapy). But I don't really care about earning a high salary, job satisfaction is more important to me. When I left school I was forced by my parents into doing business administration and so did office jobs, which I hated, until I had the DCs, and I really want to try and have a career that I really enjoy or else I will hate going to work. DH keeps banging on about doing an accountancy course and the whole thought of that fills me with horror, it wouldn't be my cup of tea at all.

Am I being unreasonable to think his expectations are unrealistic? As I said before, he has a very well paid job, we don't need the money of me working. If we did I would be working now in any job I could get. But as we don't need the money it seems silly to just shoehorn me into anything and expect I'm going to earn 30 or 40k. Also the thought of doing something I hate again, like I hated office work, makes me panicky.

OP when you DH identifies the job you can walk into on 40k could you let me us know please?

If you do find out where your dh has got his ideas from can you come back and let me know

I think there is money to be made in beauty therapy, the place I go to for waxing is always busy -they offer a good range of treatments in a nice relaxing setting.
I also think your DH sounds a bit grotty tbh. He sounds laszy and I agree he is deluded about your earning potential. I am also a SAHM of 7 years and despite having an MA I doubt I coudl earn more than about 15K if I went back to work now, though have to admit I have never been ambitious in the workplace.
I think you need to decide what you want to do, but also I think its important you are there for your youngest when he starts school to do pick ups etc.My DS2 is a summer baby and is still doing a couple of half days at school after starting in September.

It isn't about money imo you have given up years as a sahm out of the loop workwise and now you want to do something fulfilling and are in a position to do so so what is his problem?

IME, getting a highly paid job (especially a p/t one) after a good number of years out of the workforce is VERY hard. That's why so many people negotiate p/t following birth of DC1, as it is SO much easier to go p/t in a job you are already in, whilst also maintaing a decent pro rata salary. You may lose out re. childcare vs salary ( I worked for a good while for almost no money) but its about the long term.

But you are where you are OP, and your DH needs to wake up and smell the roses, and start pulling his weight around the house ffs.

And FWIW beauty salons/haridressers where I live are really struggling at the moment according to my hairdresser.

I can't believe some of the posters on here.
OP, your DH is being totally unrealistic.
Go for whatever course you want to do.
And when you are studying, and then working, tell him that things have changed, and he has to participate in all housework and childcare.
Do what you want to do, you sound like you can make a go of it.
Good luck

I think that their was a survey published recently that showed that beauty stuff held its own in recessions but big ticket items like holidays do not.

Something about lipstick sales going up in harsh times. Good luck op.

I am now confused or may have missed some missing info. In her first post the op said she had been a sahm for 8 years. Later on she has said her ds is two and she is looking to return to work when he starts school and that she doesn't have older children. Either I have missed something or the op did not work for the six years before her son was born

marriedinwhite, where does she say she doesn't have older children? She calls her DS her youngest in the OP.

In her post of 10.53 where she pulls up Gnomedeplume on her incorrect assumptions and then outlines the facts as they are.

I read that as meaning that she isn't, at present, a SAHM of school-age children because her youngest is only 2 (hence Gnome was wrong to be spouting about SAHMs of older children and apply it to her).

Sorry, that should have said a SAHM only of school-age children.

I laughing at the thought of being a "surrendered wife" and I also didnt realise it was a crime to post and then do other things rather than sit on MN all day.

I just dont see why the OP should have everything her own way because she thinks thats fair. I doubt very much if her DH said I dont want to work full time, i fancy a couple of days just making a little money and be able to do the school run that the OP would say of course you can darling.

Whilst your DH is wrong to push you into something you would hate, i dont see why he is wrong to want you also to work full time as he does and share the financial responsibility of keeping a home and family. Eight years as the only earner may be paying a toll on him and he wants a cushion as its a huge responsibility to bear. Its very old fashioned to see the male as the earner and provider.

The housework is a seperate issue but seeing as you are home the majority should fall to that person as the one working cant be home to do it. It should be shared on days off.

Your husband is obviously being unreasonable, but if either of you are unhappy with "the deal" as it stands (sounds like you both are) then renegotiation is needed.

The tit-for-tat approach of "I'm doing this whatever you think" (as he's done with his job decisions and you're now proposing to do with the beauty course) is aggressive and disrespectful. But since you've put up with it from him for a long time, you may have a battle on your hands!

Im in a similar situation. My kids are older, but I am 9 years out of work, and DH thinks I can go back to work at a high salary .

When I gave up work, it was a big decision - I was the main breadwinner, his career was just starting to move and we took a huge cut in income. He did not want to give up work to take care of kids.

Since I gave up work, it has enabled him to do the job he does, which involves him being away from home a great deal, leaving home at 6am and not returning until 8 when he is here, lots of foreign travel etc.

If I went back to work, he would have to do 10-5 two to three times a week. Plus take time out when the kids were sick. Plus we would have to pay for childcare after school and in the holidays.

Kids clubs committments would have to go by the wayside.

In short, my JOB is my family. I do everything in the house, all cooking/cleaning/taxi service/nurse/childcare. By taking away all this crap, it enables him to follow his own career. That is worth a great deal of money. Because the difference between private sector and consultancy (what he does) is at least equivalent to a good salary,

HMOO, she hasn't had everything her own way though - it was a joint decision for her to sah and her dh has had the career that he chose - there was no joint decision with the Op as to the jobs he accepted or declined.

If anyone has had it all their own way it's the dh. Being a sahm has benefitted her dh hugely - he's been able to focus on his career and do fuck all in the house.

The Op going back to work and the housework issue are not separate - she can't do the former if he is unwilling to do his share of the latter. As things stand he's saying that she's fulfilled her usefulness as a sah, so time to get her arse back to work, while not being prepared to pull his weight wrt child care and house work. It devalues the sacrifices she has made in order to care for her family (even though it was something she too, wanted to do, it didn't come without any sacrifice on her part in terms of earning potential etc).

OP-First of all when it comes to your DH and his lack of cleaning why don't you just hire a cleaner and send the invoices to him?You state your are 'comfortable off' and he's never going to change from being a slob.

FWIW I qualified in NVQ Beauty Therapy 10 years ago.It was a 2 year course and we covered everything from waxing to aromatherapy.
I was lucky that it was free for me(was under 19)but like many posters have said it would cost around the £2k range for you which I know that you're already aware of.
I have worked in salons and for make up companies etc and then I had my dc(who are 21months and 3years).
Since having dc I have done a spray tanning course and I have just completed a 30 week course doing Swedish Massage(which I LOVE).

Just from my experience I thought I'd ask you to look into the kind of treatments you would love to do and be good at(I know it's hard before you've done the course btw)but just even if you have an idea.
I ask because I spent 2 years doing the whole beauty course and sometimes wished I hadn't.
For example
Gel nails-loved
make up-loved
Manicure-loved

and then
waxing back sack and crack
waxing bikini lines on not the cleanest of people
aromatherapy-worst headaches
getting crap out of peoples toenails and then filing feet(do not breathe through nose while doing this)

So maybe just look into what you think you'll love and then do some individual courses.Of course maybe you're looking into that already and therefore ignore!
I personally think the new Shellac or Gelish nails would be a great money maker to do privately as everyone I know has these especially busy mothers as the gel polish doesn't chip unlike varnish.
Massages-get £35 to £40 per hour doing freelance work.
Spray tan-people will love it if you come to their houses as it can be embarressing having a spray tan in a salon and having to get home looking like an oompa loompa.

Anyway good luck.I think you'll be great

Ps on phone sorry for crap spelling etc

I've not read the entire thread (got to page 3) so apologies if I'm repeating but I think that the two of you need to discuss exactly what the aim is of you going back to work.

Is it that you set off on a stellar career path with your job being seen as equal to his so you split the housework and take it in turns to take time off when the kids are ill / on school hols / the childcare falls down. (This is what I have with h and it works fine if the husband is willing to accept the impact on his career.)

Or is it that you get an interest beyond the kids whilst earning enough to pay for some treats, extras and the odd lovely holiday? But when the school phones to say the little one has just been sick you go running.

If it is the second (and I suspect it is) then I think beauty therapy is quite a good idea. My SIL has just re-trained as a beauty therapist (in her old life she is an ex-international sportswoman and still plays a bit professionally). They have set up a treatment room in their flat and she fits clients around her training. As time goes on she will get more clients and slowly but surely build up a part time business. (At least - that's the plan!)

Maybe you could do something similar?

HappyMummyofOne, you clearly live on another planet.

I can't even be bothered to argue with you. You sound a total idiot.

And thank you again for those of you that posted constructive replies, negative and positive. Lots of great advice there

One thing i will say, i think it can often be more difficult to work when the children are at school - you have to consider before and after school care, holidays, when a child is sick, if the children have after school activities this becomes difficult to accommodate because childcare doesnt often fascilitate taking children too and from clubs etc. So a business venture could well be more flexible, the beauty therapy could definately work for you, as you say, money not really neccesary although im sure will help, but it wont matter too much, if at first you are not making that much as your DH earnings will cover that. Good luck - very exciting time

@worra the value of the beauty therapy market has soared over the past two years.

In my opinion it is as there are a lot of good, long lasting treatments on the market now. Shellac and gel nails are a realistic option for me and I cough up once a month for them. There are good fake tans on the market (less of the oompa lumpa look of yesteryear) and everyone needs their hair done!

Massages etc, I don't know. That does seem to be spending money to pass the time.

They are all good things to do freelance as the profit margins are high. Plus OP could work evenings and weekends as a freelance beauty therapist so childcare isn't as much of a problem.

I agree with Kew - I'd suggest a dry run of 50% housework / childcare sharing, to prove he is able to do this, for a month.

He will, obviously, do nothing. At which point you say, fine - if I work 50% hours, you should do 33% of the housework / childcare. He won't do that either.

And then you sign up for your beauty therapy course. I imagine he thinks 30k is peanuts since he earns 80k. He is delusional of course but it doesn't sound like he really thinks in details (understatement)

Happymummy - as a mother with a demanding job can I just say that housework distribution is the single most important issue in making two careers work. If you can't see that I'm assuming you're still on mat leave.

Your DH is being unreasonable but so are you. Both of you are only willing to do what you want (you want to do beauty therapy your H wants complete freedom in his career) where is the teamwork? I'd agree with the others about working out a rota for school drop off/pick ups, housework etc so he understands the reality of you working. But you also need to be willing to compromise if your financial reality (which may be different to what you currently think it is) requires you to work more than a couple of days.

However your H is being completely ridiculous about the salary expectations. Especially since you're not in London. I work part-time in a role that would be £45K if I were full time, and I've negotiated part-time hours that allow me to do school pick up every day. But to be in the position to earn that and make the deal on my hours I have alot of experience and an unusual skill set my employer values. It's not as easy as your H thinks!