To think DH is being unrealistic?

[WeWereOnABreak]

Expecting me to jump straight into a highly paid, full time job after being a stay at home mum for the past 8 years?

I've namechanged BTW as DH knows my username on here.

I have been a stay at home mum for 8 years as I said. DH has a well paid job and we don't need me to work, and in any case DH's long hours and having to work away overnight mean that it would be impossible for me to do anything that fits in with his hours, and if I paid for childcare then it just wouldn't be worth it for us financially as obviously I have been out of the workplace for many years so wouldn't be able to have a well paid job and the extra would all get eaten up in childcare.

Anyway, our youngest is due to go to school next year, in September. He will have turned 4 about 4 weeks beforehand. DH is already making comments towards me about how it would be great if I could get a job paying 30 or 40k per year when DS starts school. I keep saying to him that firstly, no way will I be able to command a salary of 30 or 40k on returning to work after a 9 year (by that time) career break. Secondly, I think it's unrealistic of him to expect that I will just go back full time. I would love to go back to work part time but I think full time will just be too much given that DS will only be little and I'd like to be able to take him to school and pick him up at least part of the time and to spend time with him. Also my DH does nothing at all in the house. No laundry, no housework, no help with bathtimes and bedtimes, no cooking nothing. He also creates mess everywhere and won't even put his plate in the dishwasher. If I went to work I am certain very little would change with this and I would have the additional stress of a full time job in addition to doing absolutely everything around the house.

What I would really love to do, is to do a part time beauty therapy course once DS starts school. Then once qualified I'd like to work 2 or maybe 3 days a week, once of which would be a Saturday and DH could have the children or my sister would have them if DH was working. Then I would still be able to pick DS up from school the majority of time in the week and I'd be doing a job I loved. DH poo-poos the idea though and says I won't make enough money (although I do know some that earn well, although not mega bucks from beauty therapy). But I don't really care about earning a high salary, job satisfaction is more important to me. When I left school I was forced by my parents into doing business administration and so did office jobs, which I hated, until I had the DCs, and I really want to try and have a career that I really enjoy or else I will hate going to work. DH keeps banging on about doing an accountancy course and the whole thought of that fills me with horror, it wouldn't be my cup of tea at all.

Am I being unreasonable to think his expectations are unrealistic? As I said before, he has a very well paid job, we don't need the money of me working. If we did I would be working now in any job I could get. But as we don't need the money it seems silly to just shoehorn me into anything and expect I'm going to earn 30 or 40k. Also the thought of doing something I hate again, like I hated office work, makes me panicky.

HappyMummy ought to be aware that the 1950s has phoned and it wants its attitude back

Oh don;t be offended by happymummy's comments, if shes the poster I remember reading recently I think she's a surrendered wife! And anyway not everyone will agree - they will think you should do as he wants.

Start by drawing up a rota of household chores and childcare and tell him you're doing a dry run for a month to be sure you won;t let your prospective employers down.

I notice Happymummy hasn't been back since. Perhaps she's too busy wiping her husband's bum or sitting attentively next to him wiping his mouth with a napkin every time he takes a sip of tea

Good idea about the rota dry run Kew, thanks

Hi OP, my hairdresser has two small children, and her husband works shifts. She works when he is home to look after the children, and the GP help too. It works out very well for her, I don't think she earns a fortune, but it's not bad money at all! I'm sure it would be similar for beauty.

I was a SAHM for quite a few years, my DH worked very long hours, and although I worked part time when my children were little, it was very difficult. I did all the childcare and housework, I don't blame him, he had to work those hours, but I was pretty miserable, so I left work.

Now my children are a bit older I want to work, but not full time. I got a part time office job with the local council and absolutely hated it. The money was low, and didn't make a lot of difference to us as it affected my DH's tax situation. I left that job, and started a part time teacher training course, and am just about to complete that. It's teaching in the FE sector, and I am lucky that my degree subject was suitable. I have been teaching (unpaid) in the local FE college during my placement, and have enjoyed it - don't know if I'll get a job though, that's a different story! Is there something you could teach? Or, could you train as a teaching assistant? You do need to consider who will look after your children in the school holidays if you work, so a term time job is excellent in that respect.

Good luck!

What would she know anyway, she has one child

I wasn't assuming it was a genuine question. Like do you have savings of your own/ incoming money from him as your 'wages' for being the SAHP? In which case you can turn round and say screw you it's my money paying for the course il do as I like. If you are relying in him to pay for it than you need him to agree to an extent with what you are doing.

I was made redundant a couple of years ago and now DS is 5, looked and managed to get a part- time admin job yipeee!!!

The downside was i was at the bottom of the pay scale (nhs) and the hours were awkard. I had to turn it down because there was not the childcare available. DP works awkward hours and couldn't be relied on to pick up.

So even if you manage to do course etc just be aware that childcare could throw a complete spanner in the works :(

Oh yeah £40k ha ha ha :(

You both need to discuss this properly, with information to hand rather than just numbers plucked out of the air.

You dont want to work in an office, fair enough and TBH the numbers your DH are quoting are delusional. There arent the jobs out there (I know, I am one of the massed ranks of recently redundant working as a contractor). Training to be an accountant costs a lot of money and more importantly takes a lot of commitment which you wont be able to give if you dont have your heart in it.

On the other hand if you want to run your own business then you need to go into that properly as well. How much will training (and refresher courses) cost? Who will you market to? How will you market? Products, prices, services all need to be worked out. What about capital investment? Where will you conduct your business?

You only want to work a couple of days a week, you want to spend time with your kids. Your business will cost just as much to set up if you then only work at it part time as if you work at it full time. Who is going to pay for your services? The people with money are the people in work which means that you will need to work when they are at leisure ie evenings and weekends. Will that actually work if your husband is away a lot and working long hours?

Realistically what are your chances of making a viable business? The people who make a success out of a business do so because they are businesslike.

As I said before, I think you are both being unreasonable and unrealistic. I'm an accountant and DH runs his own business so do in fact have a lot of experience of this.

Of course the massed ranks of MN will tell you you are right, that your husband is a bastard which I guess is what you want to hear. Now I will get lost.

I really can't see how anyone can make a living out of beauty therapy nowadays.

Actually, I think the only real money to be made from it is by those who run the beauty therapy courses.

It seems to be what everyone's doing nowadays...second jobbers, part timers, long term unemployed being offered courses, many many young girls at college and 15yr olds who have become 'school refusal' are offered places at beauty college.

Yet, when I walk past hairdressers and beauty salons on a busy saturday...they're all empty because no-one seems to have the money to spend on luxuries.

GnomeDePlume, I have not once said I want to start a business. Your first reply started bleating on about a business. I replied and said that I had not said I want to start a business and now you've replied AGAIN going on about a business. And as I stated in my OP I don't wish to be an accountant. I for one have plucked no figures out of thin air. I find you quite condescending tbh.

Which part of 'I don't want to start a business' don't you understand?

And I resent your little dig that I am not businesslike.

The hair and beauty place nearest me is doing a roaring trade, because it is cleverly targeted at young women and teenagers. Think scousebrows, curly blowdrys, full Saturday night make-up, false lash inserts, nails...a vision of horror to me, sure, but the kids are the ones who aren't worrying about mortgages and just want to look the dog's bollocks for their nights out. If you do your research and find a niche like that, I'm sure it's possible to make a killing.

Thank you LeBOF :)

The salons in my area seem to be doing a good trade too; I know a few beauty therapists locally; a couple work part time at a local salon and do well and one has a beauty room in her house and makes a nice bit of pocket money whilst her young son is having his naps during the day.

Must be an area thing then

Maybe there's too much competition here in London?

Either way, you'd be lucky to break even if you rented a chair/part of a salon around here.

Yes it could be a competition thing Worra, although I'd have thought London would be the best place to be a beauty therapist as there are so many people! I suppose it depends on the salon though.

One of the therapists that I know now was earning about 20k a year when she was full time a couple of years ago, on a self employed basis which I think was her earning 50% on everything. I think she probably sold products too. She is a very good therapist and is quick too, able to do things like a set of nail extensions in an hour, so she was able to do lots of treatments in her working hours

Renting a chair, being self employed, doing a bit of work at home while the kids are at school are all businesses. All of these will have to be registered with HMRC. You would be responsible for your own tax and NI, your own public liability insurance.

You may not see it as a business but unless you are employed, it's a business.

Well there are so many people, yes.

But then again there are so many beauty therapists too so it's swings and roundabouts really.

Shows like The Only Way is Essex, has meant a massive growth in the amount of young girls doing beauty courses.

A couple of years ago, if you walked into a salon on a Saturday and asked if anyone could fit you in...you'd be laughed out the door because they were so very busy.

Now when you pass the same salons, there's usually only 1 or 2 members of staff and they're sitting around waiting for customers.

I know all this sounds very negative, but I'm just trying to impress the importance of thorough research.

The other strength you would bring to it would be strong social skills and organisational ability. Although Worra is correct that every female school-refuser is ushered off to college to do hair and beauty, the only ones that make a success of a career in it are the ones who stand out by being bright, motivated and astute. A lot of those teenagers just don't have those skills- if they did, they would probably have been able to stay in school. To a certain extent, almost anyone can learn the treatment skills, but the capacity for engaging people, getting return custom, understanding how to communicate what the products do without sounding like a bullshitter who didn't get a science GCSE? That takes something extra, and the successful people have it.

I know that thank you very much GnomeDePlume. And again, as stated I would not want to run a business. That's 3 times I've told you that now. Some beauty therapists do work on an employed basis.

Gnome, why are you assuming the OP is an idiot?

Also GnomeDePlume again I find you very condescending and rude assuming that I know nothing about self employment and HMRC. You have no idea of my background or the job that my DH does so I think it's a little rude the way you are insinuating that I am some uneducated oik that knows nothing.

I agree that despite the recession beauty appears to be holding its own. Certainly on my local high street, where other shops are closing down, the only new shops we have had opening for the last couple of years are charity shops (2 new making 4 in a small town!) and beauty salons/hairdressers (again 4 now!). There must be a market for it. From my limited knowledge I think tanning and hair removal (laser etc) are particularly popular atm.

If you do find out where your dh has got his ideas from can you come back and let me know

I dunno, I still have me brows threaded every month usually and DD1 has just had a mani/pedi treat and we are not loaded.