To think DH is being unrealistic?

[WeWereOnABreak]

Expecting me to jump straight into a highly paid, full time job after being a stay at home mum for the past 8 years?

I've namechanged BTW as DH knows my username on here.

I have been a stay at home mum for 8 years as I said. DH has a well paid job and we don't need me to work, and in any case DH's long hours and having to work away overnight mean that it would be impossible for me to do anything that fits in with his hours, and if I paid for childcare then it just wouldn't be worth it for us financially as obviously I have been out of the workplace for many years so wouldn't be able to have a well paid job and the extra would all get eaten up in childcare.

Anyway, our youngest is due to go to school next year, in September. He will have turned 4 about 4 weeks beforehand. DH is already making comments towards me about how it would be great if I could get a job paying 30 or 40k per year when DS starts school. I keep saying to him that firstly, no way will I be able to command a salary of 30 or 40k on returning to work after a 9 year (by that time) career break. Secondly, I think it's unrealistic of him to expect that I will just go back full time. I would love to go back to work part time but I think full time will just be too much given that DS will only be little and I'd like to be able to take him to school and pick him up at least part of the time and to spend time with him. Also my DH does nothing at all in the house. No laundry, no housework, no help with bathtimes and bedtimes, no cooking nothing. He also creates mess everywhere and won't even put his plate in the dishwasher. If I went to work I am certain very little would change with this and I would have the additional stress of a full time job in addition to doing absolutely everything around the house.

What I would really love to do, is to do a part time beauty therapy course once DS starts school. Then once qualified I'd like to work 2 or maybe 3 days a week, once of which would be a Saturday and DH could have the children or my sister would have them if DH was working. Then I would still be able to pick DS up from school the majority of time in the week and I'd be doing a job I loved. DH poo-poos the idea though and says I won't make enough money (although I do know some that earn well, although not mega bucks from beauty therapy). But I don't really care about earning a high salary, job satisfaction is more important to me. When I left school I was forced by my parents into doing business administration and so did office jobs, which I hated, until I had the DCs, and I really want to try and have a career that I really enjoy or else I will hate going to work. DH keeps banging on about doing an accountancy course and the whole thought of that fills me with horror, it wouldn't be my cup of tea at all.

Am I being unreasonable to think his expectations are unrealistic? As I said before, he has a very well paid job, we don't need the money of me working. If we did I would be working now in any job I could get. But as we don't need the money it seems silly to just shoehorn me into anything and expect I'm going to earn 30 or 40k. Also the thought of doing something I hate again, like I hated office work, makes me panicky.

WTF? Did you earn £40k before your DCs? I could almost understand his expectation if so, though it's still ridiculous to think you could go straight back to that.

I hate people who put money before anything else. Coupled with the lack of housework/childcare it's hard to see the attraction of your DH.

Nope he's not anxious about the financial future.

He doesn't do any housework as he's lazy. I've tried to get him to do it but he won't and I can't live in a tip with no food in the fridge and no clean clothes.

If you have been at home for 8/9 years you must have been together for longer. How on earth does he not know what makes you tick and what would make you happy. What planet is he in if he thinks you can re-enter the workplace after 9 years out of office work and walk into £30-£40k?

FWIW I had 9 years off. Went back to work (career change) part-time for two years, offered full time with the chance of professional quals, for three years by the time I paid for childcare was worse off financially than working part-time. Once qualified and 8 years on I now earn £45k. I think I have done incredibly well and been incredibly lucky but and this is a big but - we are in London, I am public sector admittedly but even having had a successful City career in the 80s/90s it was not a breeze to get here.

PJharpy, I wouldn't be expecting to earn 30k from beauty. As I said before, I am not bothered about high earnings, more about job satisfaction. Before anyone says it, yes DH has job satisfaction. He is lucky that his field pays extremely well.

So, office work makes you panicky and accountancy leaves you cold. You don't need the money and hang on, you;ve not worked for 8 years, you dont live in london and he thinks you'll step into a 30-40K job? Bless him! But thats by the by - what do YOU want to do? I do sorrt of get where he is coming from, its not like you need the money so he doens't want you to feel undervalued pushing a pen for 15K which to be blunt if you go back to office work after that amount of time is what you are looking at (i know this, im in a very similar position so i apologise for my bluntness).

You say he has offered to pay for courses, so this is a positive then? Look into doing something YOU want to do? For you? He has money? could he fund you starting up a small business of your own?

I don't think hes being an arse, he clearly has a sense of yoru worth and doesn't want you working for peanuts but he is being terribly niave about the jobs situation just now, especially for women returners - i am havin a terrible time getting a job after a career break, im PhD qualified and am looking at jobs between 15-20k, but have been getting nowwhere and have even applied for jobs paying minimum wage :(

marriedinwhite - may i ask what you do? Im thinking about retraining but it has to be be on the job training, im willing to work in london, i was a scientist in a previous life but i think that is a blind alley for me now. Did you start totally from scratch in your current career or did you build off what you did before - much respect for getting where you are, im envious and in awe x

There's a lot more here than just whether or not you go back to work, isn't there?

If he isn't prepared to do anything around the house, then this is an acknowledgement that this is your job, isn't it? So expecting you to go back to work full-time (which you would have to do to earn that kind of money) is essentially asking you to do two jobs.

This is the first issue you have to tackle. Who will be doing all this work when you are out of the house earning your squillions? It is a real question and not one that you should let him wriggle out of answering.

Second, what do you want to do? If he has never consulted you about his career I see no reason why you should consult him about yours (especially if money is not an issue).

If I were in your shoes, I would be working out my plan, including how much it's going to cost you to train. I would also find out how much it will cost you to get a cleaner (and get someone who is going to do your ironing as well). And then tell your DH this is what is going to happen. Don't ask him or try to explain to him.

And remember the MN mantra:

"No is a complete sentence"

Good luck.

boringnickname, yes I think I'd be lucky to get 15k round here for pen pushing tbh. Sorry to hear your jobsearch is being a bit fruitless, I hope you get something soon.

We would both be paying for the course as all money is our money rather than his.

It's up to you! I'd sit down with a piece of paper and jot down your priorities as a family, his career goals, yours, household management and budget. Try and do it in a non- confrontational manner because that'll end up as a battle of wills rather than anything productive.

You could also argue that beauty is a rapidly growing business; I read in last week's Sat Torygraph that nail treatments are particularly doing well and have very low costs- you can do a few women at the same time etc. I'm not normally into that sort of thing but dsis bought me a minx nail treatment and I had it on my toes- been through beach, pebbles, sea, swimming and still perfectly intact 4 weeks later. You could even start now before littlest goes to school and then prove your success!

BIWI, I think I will do all that. Great idea :)

Do you have any money of your own? I don't think your husband sounds like a nice man at all and if i were you, I would start to siphon off some money and put it away in a secret account, just in case things go pear shaped.

Is the house/any investments/savings in joint names?

boringnickname I'm an HR manager. When I went back I started from scratch right at the very bottom on £7.5k for 17.5 hours a week! My last pre SAHM P60 said £117,500. There is no way I could have gone back to selling Eurobonds after 9 years off though - nor would I have wanted to.

yes, of course its both of your money - that was pants of me to suggest it is his, i didnt mean it to come across that way. Its the same for us, he earns the money but it is ours. I just think he has unrealistic expections but i get it, i thought id walk into 20-30K, i was niave too

Well i don't even know what eurobonds are! :-) but thanks it is really hard to get back, ive sat in an interview once with a patronising cow sat with her head on one side saying "but you havent worked for so long and the office can be a really tough place" err, it was a poxy insurance admin job - FFS, i could have punched her! whilst doing the job blindfold with one hand behind my back.

Thank you for the advice everyone.

Am still adamant I want to pursue the beauty therapy so I think I'm going to make it clear to DH that there will be no other option and that I categorically will not be doing admin work or accountancy work. And that we will be having a cleaner as soon as I start working

And I hope you said something like "I have been doing a different sort of work that has involved managing a home and the demands of different family members, different schools, solving problems in relation to other people on a regular basis and dealing with many different people in many different environments. That has helped me to develop and to improve my organisation, it has also helped me understand different environments and different ways of doing things which I feel would be very useful in the workplace".

I quote 'I've tried to get him to do it but he won't' this re housework. So I don't quite see why he gets to refuse something he doesn't want to do, but you are supposed to just do as you're told? He is being an arse. As well as utterly unrealistic about the current job market, yes. I have known people who have lost jobs and have had to take one on half their previous salary because that was the best thing available.

Hes not just unrealistic, hes deluded

He also sounds as though he doesnt see your child-rearing/home-making work as meaningful and that you will only be truely contributing to your family once you are bringing home a wage packet.

On those counts he's an arse.

I think you will struggle to find work as a beauty therapist though, I know of several women that are qualified but work in other areas now as there just isnt the work. but maybe setting up on your own could work?

I think beauty therapy is the sort of sector that is hit by the recession, isn't it? Have you researched it well?

Anyway, don't let him bully you. But also, in your shoes, I reckon it would be quite a smart move to start working full time. It means financial independence, it means long term career prospects and also it means he will not come home to a cooked meal every day, but instead you will both have to sit down and make some sort of rota who cooks an which day, who does the laundry etc etc. It would be a MASSIVE wake up call!

It's not really relevant whether he or you are being unreasonable. It's that you are coming from different starting points on this. He's thinking 'money'. You are thinking 'job satisfaction and self fulfillment'. You need to talk. Go out for dinner or somewhere nice and relaxing and talk this through properly.

I think you are both being a bit unreasonable and a bit unrealistic:

• once DCs are all at school then you probably should look to find something else to do other than SAHM
• when you are a SAHM with older children youshould be doing all the housework
• look seriously at the career options open to you. Stop plucking numbers out of the air
• if you want to start a business then you need a business plan: what services, prices, marketing, tax

You need to start discussing this properly

I'm about to finish a level 2 beauty therapy course and I am already earning out of it doing mobile work, I am in the same position, I don't need to work and wanted something to do that fit in around the children.
It's great because it's something you can always expand and the industry is always growing and changing, plus there are so many avenues you can take.
I really enjoy it, I say go for it.

Fire off your CV to lots of well paid jobs and you can use the lack of response as evidence for your delusional DH.

I think your beauty therapy course sounds like an excellent plan.

I know a couple of self employed therapists , if you can sell then theres a lot of money to be made in commission on the products . Also plenty of flexibility in terms of childcare because a lot of the work is in the evening when your DH could look after the DC , presumably he deigns to look after his DC ?

Sorry OP but I really feel for you , a DH who has a great salary and all his needs at home taken care of by a wife who does this with good humour and then starts pontificating about you getting a FT job no matter the salary with no mention of how he will be making changes sounds like a bit of a prat.