to have put FIL in his place about nursery

[pointbreak]

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

I didn't need to go back work
I chose to go back ft
active choice,booked nursery at 12wk pg. it was always part of the plan.both v clear about it

This is so alien to me, different worlds. At 12wk pg, I was looking forward to the prospect of nurturing my baby, not booking it into a place to be ignored looked after by strangers

Fluffypillow - ignore those with the big mAssive chips on their shoulders - you sound like an amazing mum and have a great opinion!

Ignore them op i work in a nursery and would send my kifs there regardless of if i worked there or not. i think its brilliant and it takes a villageto raise a child and all that.

It has been suggested a few times on the thread that parents don't leave their children in nurseries where they are unhappy, that parents would know when their children are unhappy and take them out. Well, ime, that is not the case. I think people normalize the unhappiness of childcare and often think that is just the way it is.

When I had ds, there was a baby boom in my uni dept. 10 other women had babies at the same time. They all put their babies in cc, because that was what was done. The phd students put theirs in at 12 weeks, because that's how much leave they got, and the academics at 6 months. Now this was in Australia, where the ratio was 5 babies to one carer. These parents were putting their babies in rooms where two carers looked after 10 babies. They thought this was fine.

Not surprisingly all the babies had trouble settling. The parents thought this was normal and fine. Some eventually settled, others kept having problems but the parents carried on with their 'plans'.

One colleague put her baby in at 6 months. At his second birthday she said to me, 'he's so grown up now, he's even stopped crying when I take him to nursery'. This boy had been crying for 18 months at drop off. His mother thought it was normal.

Another colleague also put her baby in at 6 months. Her child was anxious, unhappy and not suited (IMO) to childcare. At 4 he was diagnosed with an anxiety disorder and speech delay. I'm not saying this was due to cc, just that a boy with these issues probably wasn't being helped by group childcare 40 hours a week.

Another friend had a small son. He used to get bitten and shoved around at cc. This friend told me that whenever she picked him up she would see another colleague's son in the 'time out' cot because he had been naughty. That boy was eventually diagnosed with ASD.

My only point here is that all these children were unsuited to childcare, but their parents never reconsidered sending them there.

I didn't need to go back to work either- I chose to. I spent 2 years with my dd, never spending a day away from her, because my feelings were rather like fluffypillows (though I hasten to add I never spouted them publicly and was judgemental like her).

I did things very differently with dc2 because I realised by now that my feelings with dc1 were exactly that - ie: my feelings. It was far more about me instinctively wanting to cling to dd and also find a way of validating to myself the fact that I had resigned a good job to be a SAHM. Sometimes when you've given up a lot, you want to convince yourself your child will be happier/cleverer etc

My ds was in nursery from 8 months and is just as happy, secure etc as dd. sorry if that doesn't fit the agenda of those who want to denigrate childcare - but it's the truth. And I realised with ds that I could find fulfilment from my work again, as well as being with my kids. It's not about preferring being at work or prioritising work- it's about getting your head round the fact that you can be a really good, loving parent without being with your children all day every day.

Ps- anyone else getting a bit weary of the posts from mums who don't use childcare, basically saying 'I know my child best and I also know your child best'. Quite laughable really. If you are secure in the choices you have made, you might find it easier to accept that other mums and dads feel secure with what they do with their children.

"looked after by strangers" - the Godwin's Law of childcare discussions.

They're not strangers for long. Sheesh.

To get back to OP, you have made your choice- there is no need to discuss or justify. This thread shows it won't get you anywhere! Smile,nod, ignore and do your own thing.

That's horrible tryingtoleave. It's astonishing how many people expect babies to be grown up at such a young age. Babies spending long days in childcare isn't good for the baby.

I'm surprised tryingtoleave had any time left to spend with her own babies - it Must be a full time job investigating all the ins and outs of everyone else's babies' lives!

You don't have to pay school fees- there are excellent state schools!

Oh my word. This really is astonishing. I require no approval from anyone on here about the choices my family made. The only people whose opinion mattered was mine, DH and DD. The OP, as clarified later, was about FIL offering an unwanted opinion long after the event.

It is really insulting that some of you think that the mums who are in paid employment are so out of touch with our children that we would not know if they were happy or not. It is patronising. I would not dare it sit here and say that perhaps your child would benefit from external stimulation etc. Because I don't know you. I don't know your child. So therefore I cannot form an opinion on your situation. And I won't pretend otherwise.

Some sad situations you describe tryingtoleave. But I am pleased report (again) that those situations aren't mine or anywhere like mine. Thankfully. I wouldn't be able to comprehend continuing to put DD to nursery if she was upset going. What strikes me from your post is not that there is a problem with childcare for the right child, just that some children aren't suited to it. Surely that is where the problem arises - when the parent fails to recognise that or ignores it? Surely that is the issue? The problem is not when children are happy. And seriously, nobody even start with the shite about not knowing whether your own child is happy.

I put down my DCs names for nursery when I was 12wks pregnant. It is a work creche and has a year long waiting list. You can't just wait till the last moment to put your name down if it is a good nursery. Both my DCs started going to nursery at 12 months old.
You can look forward to the prospect of nurturing your baby even if you are thinking of nursery places...it is called thinking ahead. I know a lot of parents who hadn't put their names down ended up having to put their DCs in second choice nurseries or send DC to a temporary childminder for a short while before making more permanent arrangements...which can be distressing on a small child.

I agree that some children are not suited for childcare, or aren't in the right childcare. There was a little boy in my DS's room that was always crying, whenever I went to drop off and pick up my DS, and even when I went in at odd times. He had started nursery at 6 months, 5 long days a week. Even when they were 2yr old I remember him crying. Now he is left to go to preschool nursery. He had an older brother at the same nursery, so maybe it was difficult for his parents to have 2 children in 2 different locations. But TBH I couldn't have put my child through that no matter what. But I don't want to judge the parents without knowing the full circs.

Just making small talk, tinkerbel - it doesn't really take that much time. The mother whose baby cried at drop off for 18 months told me 'he's not really upset, you know - just putting it on'.

You sound exceptionally interested in the minutiae of other peoples lives trying to leave. Maybe just enjoy your own children, and then you won't be so obsessed with trying to pick holes with everyone else's lives eh?

I know a nursery worker who also says she would never leave her children in a nursery but not because she thinks nurserys are bad environments but she thinks that a mother should give up work and look after their own children etc etc So yeah basically judgy pants. She said in her experience nurserys on the whole are fine, you get the odd bad carer and you are going to like some children more but overall most nursery workers really care about their job and do it well (in her opinion)

Interestingly she lasted a week in an Australian nursery when she was working over there. She said there were babies there from six weeks old and she couldnt give one to one attention to them and it upset her so she left.

I suppose your FIL is entitled to an opinion. You don't agree with it but you can't stop him from having it. My MIL has an opinion on all aspects of our child rearing, when my DS was your child's age we stopped talking for a bit because of her 'advice' but we made amends and looking back I was possibly slightly sensitive to other peoples' opinions on my first child when he was a baby/toddler.

I'm a SAHM to 2 DC (4 & 1) as time as gone on my MIL feels it is her place to remark on how her niece will do any little job to bring in extra cash, I think because she feels there is a lot of pressure on my DP to provide the family income. My DP is part 2 architect so has 1 year to go before qualified, consequently he is never around. Studies at work after working late and is studying at the weekend. We have decided that my career is hold for a bit as we can't juggle both. However, it is not necessary for me to do little jobs and I have no time to do so. Needless to say I do not engage with MIL over this as or had nothing to do with her. As I said though you can't stop them having their input.

Such an emotive topic.

I have worked as a nanny and would NEVER employ one.

I now work in management of a chain of nurseries. I truly believe all our staff, who are carefully vetted and continuously monitored, are professional and kind.

There is no way that we are unkind to children of annoying parents. The children are adored and the parents are tolerated. A child cannot help having annoying parents and, if anything, it stirs sympathy in the carer.

Our little babies are very well cared for indeed. Very safe, always fed, changed and put to bed on schedule. We all adore them. They are provided with gentle stimulation at times and also left for quiet time which we believe is important for them.

Toddler care is much more challenging. They are much more dangerous to themselves and each other. Staff run helter skelter just to keep them safe, fed and changed. We have tight routines in place to ensure they can explore and develop continuously, but my view as a mother is that it's not what I'd want for my toddler. However, the children are safe and their physical needs are met. This is far preferable than many home situations.

Once the children reach about 2.5y and self help skills kick in, the quality of their nursery time improves and by 3.5y most have a wonderful time.

I don't agree most have a wonderful time

I've nannied and trained as a nursery nurse

I didn't want to use paid childcare when my kids wree young as I'd seen too much

There is a reason why posts keep appearing here saying most childcare workers, when they have their own kids, don't use childcare

Same as a friend who is a chef wont eat in some local restaurants, because he has worked as a temp in them and knows what goes on behind the scenes

Kids do get used to nursery care and parents think everything's great, as this suits them, but often the care their kids get is just ok, nothing more

I am pretty shocked that so many people seem happy to work in shoddy nurseries with low standards frankly. What sort of person carries on in a job where they are clearly doing a second rate service, and only after giving it up and staying home, suddenly pipes up about how rubbish it is?!

Anyway- aside from those of you who were clearly second rate nannies or nursery nurses- there is also excellent, caring and professional childcare around which many of us are happy to use.

The special school I worked in wasn't second rate it was world standard - the headteacher goes to countries around the world to lecture on how to set up special education provision. In many ways it was fantastic and the verbal children in particular did well. My concern is with non-verbal children - those with severe disabilities or ones who are very young. For someone whose heart isn't in the job (and there are people like that in every single job in the world) it is easier to ignore a crying child than to go to the sometimes massive effort of figuring out what's wrong with them. A parent will have the instinct to know 9 times out of 10 what's wrong but an uncommitted carer won't. They'll either do the wrong thing and annoy the child more or just do nothing, either way a distressed child isn't being comforted. The child might be fed and clean but they are missing out on that responsive care that adapts to them. The nursery's day runs on the same routine no matter what's happening with the children. It's not neglect, it's not abuse, it's just a bit shit.

I wouldn't call it world standard even if you do

I think some people on this thread have a real problem with accepting that individual parents know their own child best, and make decisions based on their knowledge of their child and all the other circumstances specific to their own situation

Having my children was a massive Learning curve for me. My instinct on having my first child was that there was only one 'best' way of doing things. I felt I needed to be with her pretty much 24/7 and that anything else was a poor second. I was secretly a bit bewildered that friends could put their children in childcare and return to work- but sim

Wrong cailin. Not all nurserys run to a strict routine. Certainly many I know about are children led in that respect.

Posted accidentally

I was simply surprised that they coped so well with juggling it all so confidently. I now know that there is more than one way of doing things. There isn't a 'best ' way. I have learned that my ds has turned out just as well with me working as my dd did by having a SAHM. I have also leaned that I like working - and how i feel matters too.