to have put FIL in his place about nursery

[pointbreak]

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

FIL is perfectly entitled to feel what he wants but it was bloody rude to spout his view that nursery wouldn't be good for the ops dd. he should keep how opinions to himself and just be thankful for having a healthy happy grandchild

And what a shame this thread is turning into 'the best place for a child is with mum 24/7 until they're 3/4/5 years... I used to feel that when I had my dc1 (but would never have been rude enough to post it on a public forum as fact). Having had dc2 who was in nursery from 8 months I can see that he is just as happy as dd who was with me for two years. I used to believe that there would be measurable differences, and that somehow things would be 'better' for dd Because she'd been with me, but now I think i was convincing myself to validate my decision

I never understand why people feel the need to justify and have the last word. Just smile, nod,say mildly, 'we are all different' and change the subject. There is no need to discuss it.

Totally agree with fluffypillow's post and AA's post about consistent care from one person. A 13 month old is still a baby. Three days is very long and yes of course it is a fact that a baby would rather be with their main carer. To deny that is to bury your head in the ground.

It's your opinion mspaperbackwriter- it used to be mine too. That doesn't make it a fact!

If there is a choice between childcare and being looked after by a family member, the thing that clinches it for me is the fact that in childcare they will not love your baby. I think a lot of new nursery workers and teachers feel like Worra's neighbour's DD when they start. They come in wanting to love all the children. I was certainly like that. Then I realised this was a job, and that if I fell in love with every child I would be worn to nothing in six months. To an extent you have to detach yourself and force yourself not to love the children because they come and go, and you're not their parent, it's not appropriate for you to have that level of attachment to them. Of course you feel very fond of them but you have many children looking for your attention and you simply can't give them that loving one to one care that a parent would.

That's not to say the child will be damaged of course. It's just something to take into account if it's a genuine 50/50 choice between home and nursery.

Of course you're not the parent. I wouldnt expect a professi

Professional carer to love my children. I wanted them well looked after, with appropriate stimulation etc. having said that their key workers were very fond of them- and they were first rate

See, I am beginning to think I did not phrase my OP very well. I wasn't wanting or needing validation that nursery was or was not the right choice for MY family. It was more about the general issue of something spouting forth an unwanted opinion after the fact. I didn't want this to turn into a SAHM v WOHM debate. If my OP had been about FIL giving his opinion on me FF, I guess I know where this would have gone too.

As for you fluffypillow. You are right FIL, is entitled to his opinion. As are you. But I did not ask for you opinion as to whether it was right for our DD to go to nursery. I did not ask for his opinion either. Yet, despite the fact I never asked for your opinion as to whether nursery is the right choice for our family, you decided to give it at length. I don?t need to defend my family choices. But I will give you my views, since you decided to go into my personal situation so in depth. I must say your views come across as very sexist. Certainly not a value I would wish to instill in my DD.

Monetary wise I don?t NEED to work. But, family happiness is more than just about money. Me working brings me many forms of happiness, as does my daughter. She gets my full attention on my days at home and I am enthused to be there with her. Were I doing it 5 days I week I wouldn?t be. Perhaps you read I had had PND? I need sometime on my own and thankfully my career provides that.

And your assertion that I wouldn?t know whether my DD was/is happy? Well I find that insulting. Have you bothered to read any of my other posts. She is happy to go to nursery, I know this. Her behaviour and speech tells me this. What more do you want to know?

Is nursery the same as home, no? But I don?t need to be. She is carefully cared for, there is no doubt about that. She is well stimulated, gets lots of attention (probably more than if I was a SAHM 5 days a week), had made lots of friends. They do so many stimulating activities with her that I would never even think to do. How is her development in these areas disadvantaged because the people doing them with her are paid? Please tell me that?

I don?t pay them to love her, I do that. They care for her and her needs are taken care of and I don?t like the insinuation that they aren?t.

And the comment that she should be having all her meals with me because I am her mum? Really? What about her dad? Should she be having all her meals with him because he is her dad? IS my DH subject to the same criticism by you because he has chosen to carry on working, when really, he could have chucked in work and me worked full time, as I am sure in reality many families could do? But no, I suspect, the criticism is kept for mums isn?t it?

So, DH and I myself made a decision as to what works for OUR family, taking into account the needs of all 3 of us. I don?t then sit and openly criticise what other families do, as I know every situation is different.

OP - YANBU.

I have 2 DCs 3.5yrs and 20months and they both attend nursery 3 days a week 8.30-4.30. They seem to love the nursery. DD who is 20 months old says "out! out!" when we arrive at nursery, to tell me to get her out of the buggy ASAP so she can run in and play with her friends. DS, 3.5yrs is a bit more clingly towards me, but is soon playing with toys and friends before I leave. I stay with him for awhile longer than DD (who I don't have a chance as she is off like a rocket in to her room). When I pick them up from nursery both of them are busy playing and doesn't seem desparate to leave when I show up. I have to drag them away most days. So I guess this means they are happy there! My DS talks very fondly of nursery when at home, taking about his friends and what he has been up to . And they are very attached children, with very strong bonds to me, DD still BF when I pick her up etc, so it's not that they don't want to be with me!

I know that being with me IS probably better for them, and they might be even happier on the days they are at home. I've not got my head buried in sand. However, with two littles ones, even when I am at home with them life is very chaotic and a lot of my time is spend cooking, clearing up, cooking clearing up, preparing snacks to take out etc, so it's not like I can devote a lot of time to them individually anyway, even on the days that I don't work. Whereas in nursery somebody is playing with them all the time.

I wish I could stay at home with them, but towards the end of my maternitly leave with DD I was very close to PND and me going back to work has been a life saver. I turned into a screamy, stressed out mother looking after them 5 days a week on my own and it wasn't good for them or me.

To be fair OP, you must have expected people to comment on it/give their views...otherwise your thread title would have read something like "AIBU to think people shouldn't give opinions unless they're asked for them".

Point break - that's a very good post. Even when I was wary of nurseries I would never have foisted my views on others, or judged them, or asserted them as 'fact'. It was MY feeling at that particular moment in time, and in fact experience has proved to me that my anxieties were really quite unfounded.

I also find this idea that working mums who use a nursery or childcare don't really know their child intimately very insulting as you do. Any mother picks up on the non verbal signals from their child as well as what they say when they start talking- in fact with a very young child you are more clued into what they are feeling.

I also find this idea that working mums who use a nursery or childcare don't really know their child intimately very insulting as you do.

Agreed. I know more than anybody could possibly know about their DCs!

I think a mother knows intuitively when she is spending enough time with her DCs and what is the right balance for all concerned. When I first went back to work after having DS, I went back full time, but short days (not sure why...all my friends seemed to, hadn't really thought about part time work, maybe naive of me). But after a couple of weeks I knew that I had made a mistake and I missed my DS loads. I was craving to spend time with him and felt guilty that I was missing out on him. Luckily I was on a trial re my working hours, so after a couple of months, I went part time to 3 days (luckily my work was OK about this). Working 3 days a week is the perfect balance for me between feeling like I spend enough time with them, individually and together and me having a break and keeping a career and hopefully my children will see it as such too.

My mum always worked when I was young, infact went back to work at 3/4 months (short days) and I was cared for my a nanny (I was an only child) and I have turned into a healthy, happy person.

I think it is ridiculous and naive to assume that all parents are totally loving and want to give their undivided attention to their children at all times, I know plenty of situations where (sadly) the baby/child is much better off by going to a nursery or child minder .

"As for you fluffypillow" {get you op }

As for you fluffypillow, I agree with you

Here, fluffypillow, have my first ever .

what's all the have my 1st biscuit?
is there 2nds, what's significance of proffering the first biscuit

pointbreak, I stand by my first post 100%, sorry if my opinion differs from yours, I obviously touched a nerve.

You think my views are sexist because I think it is important for a Mother to stay with a child, and look after them when they are little, really??? You would not want your DD to grow up having my values? Yes, that would be dreadful, I mean imagine if she grew up wanting to be with her child 24/7 .

I still say you can't possibly be SURE your child is being looked after properly, and that they are happy when in a nursery setting. You may drop a child off in the morning happy, and pick them up at the end of the day happy, but that means nothing. 8.30 - 4.30 is a long day.

As for stating again that you had PND, well so did I with my second Son, that has nothing to do with going back to work. It's not something you have to do because you had PND. I didn't, and I went on to have Dc3, and didn't suffer with PND this time. It's not connected.

You said I'm critisising you because you're the mum? Well, maybe I didn't word my post very well. Of course a father has just as an important role to play. My DH is very hands on. If I'm not there, then DH is. I would also feel the same if it was your DH deciding to leave her in a Nursery for 3 days a week, when it wasn't necessary.

IMO when you have a child, your needs come second, that's just how it is. It's not about, 'well, I need this or that to be happy'.....to be frank, your child comes before you. End of.

Mm, fluffypillow, I hope those judgeypants are comfy.

Thank youmarfisa. It's not my first, and I'm sure it won't be my last

Mmmmm very comfy, thank you.

what martyred a mutha gives up everything for the weans.it drips
sentimentality

really that would bring a tear to a glass eye

fortunately such schmaltzy housewife logic doesn't hold much sway these days, given majority mums work.

and when the baby pays the mortgage,fills. fridge and gives career progression...well then baby can chose. until then as the adult , I chose

Goes back to NEED to work and WANT time away from my child. There is a big difference. The first I understand, and know it must be so hard for many parents, the second I will never understand.

fluffypillow - have you never, ever wanted a break from being with any of your children, don't you like doing things on your own or in adult company? - and haven't you ever thought it might be good for your children to spend time apart from you? If your children are so dependent on you what happens if you are rushed into hospital (or worse). I am sure you wouldn't like my values - I am a SAHM yet my DS spent time with a childminder and at nursery from an early age. We both benefitted from the break.

I have a few friends whose lives are so inter-dependent with their childrens that in my view it is not healthy for any of them ('children' being in their 20s now ).

I didn't need to go back work
I chose to go back ft
active choice,booked nursery at 12wk pg. it was always part of the plan.both v clear about it

ragwort I have a 14 yr old, 9 yr old and 15 month old, and yes, I can hand on heart say I have never wanted a break from any of them. There are challenging days, yes, but that is all part of being a family, isn't it? You just get on with it.

My older sons do spend time away from me (friends houses ect....), and are very independant. My little one is with me, or her Dad all the time, and it will be that way until she starts playgroup when she is 3yrs.

I can't see how this is unhealthy for my children.

I've never heard of a SAHM before who paid someone else to look after the children, are you serious?