to have put FIL in his place about nursery

[pointbreak]

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

mamamary It is lovely that you had that experience. Unfortunately it is not always the case. I've had good friends that have become childminders, and was shocked at how they treated the children they 'cared' for.

I enjoyed being with my children when they were small too fluffypillow. I found it fulfilling and fun. I also realised by the time I had dc2 that I enjoyed work AS WELL. It doesn;t have to be one or the other.
If you can't get your head round the fact that other mums love their children just as much as you love yours, enjoy their company just as much etc but want to work AS WELL .... frankly that just proves your lack of capacity to understand that other people aren't all replicas of you!!! It doesn;t make them worse or better - just different!!

And I'm truly glad I don't have the kind of 'good friends' that you have fluffypillow, because I don't have friends who mistreat children. Just as I'm glad I didn't send my ds to a nursery with staff like some of the former childcare 'professionals' who have posted on here. They are an insult to the world of childcare.

Fluffy, yes I do reckon my childminder was exceptional, and I think my mum must have thanked her lucky stars every day of the week. But there are decent, caring childminders and I'm sure nursery staff too (though I've no experience of nurseries). Because of my good experience, I'm very keen that my DD has a childminder rather than go to nursery and as it happens another lady I've known for years and trust implicitly is going to take her - I'm lucky in that I have no worries about her. Many parents must have nagging doubts - think this thread proves that :(

tinkerbel different people different views. I don't dispute the fact that you all love your children as much as I love mine, that is ridiculous. I do, however feel that if you put your baby in a Nursery when you don't need to, that is wrong. You are putting yourself first, and that isn't what being a parent is about imo.

fluffypillow - I didn't put my dc1 in nursery precisely because I put my own feelings first - I was very PFB, thought I was the only person who could look after her and didn't want her out of my sight.

I realised after a couple of years this was about MY feelings, not the reality of what she might experience at nursery, and actually next time round with dc2 I tried hard to remind myself that I don't own my child. I am there to guide, shape, support and care. He went to nursery from 8 months and is just as well rounded and secure as my dd

I think it's absolute nonsense to suggest that a parent who uses a nursery isn't putting their child first. IME many parents who stay at home are doing it precisely because it suits their needs. There was someone upthread who actually said she is dreading the fact she will have to return to work one day to pay the school fees. So shes hardly being unselfish staying at home is she? She doesn't like working and doesn't want to do it, therefore doesn't need to use childcare. Hardly some great self sacrifice.

dolly I worked in nurseries for a week or so each holiday for years.

I don't want to make anyone feel bad. I just wanted to share my experience. I also have to go back to work in 6 months time. I have also trawled nurseries, met nannies, childminders etc. I feel terrified about making the wrong decision. Just like most other parents.

If I have upset anyone I'm sorry. Never my intention.

tinkerbel I don't pretend to have made any 'great self sacrifice'. I'm just being a Mum, and doing the best thing for my children, which imo is being there with them when they are little, as they need me.

I'm sorry, but I fail to see how putting an 8month old in Nursery would benefit him, just don't get that at all.

Just as there is plenty of research to suggest work is good for one's mental health, there is also plenty of research to suggest children benefit from a close, bonding relationship with their mother in the crucial first three years of their life.

ScottishMummy - you clearly have such a huge vested interest in the former since you cannot stop yourself from entering these threads and banging the same old drum.

I have no vested interest either way - my youngest will be 2 in a couple of months, I'm a SAHM about to return to work full time as I'm not cut out for it and don't think I'm brilliant at it, although I adore my children and do my best.

Yes, working is good for one's mental health. We're all good at something and many of us are lucky enough to have vocations in certain areas. Some people are natural mothers. Surely someone who is a natural mother, or really enjoys mothering and looking after young chidren - and there are plenty of these people - will be better off doing that, rather than entering paid employment, simply because ScottishMummy from Mumsnet says she would be setting a better role model for her children if she left the house to earn a wage.

I'm sure we can at least agree her children would be better off. Yes, those inconsequential people who get in the way of earning a crust...

Unfortunately I'm not cut out for full time stay-at-home motherhood, but I feel no need to beat some beleaguered drum that says no-one else should do it either. That I'd be positively doing my children a disservice by being a SAHM. The notion is laughable.

It always reads utterly like you're so desperate to convince yourself of your stance; no-one else.

I rarely post on nursery-related threads because there is no benefit to making people feel bad about 'choices' they sometimes have to make.

I did return to work after DS turned 1. We explored lots of nurseries and I didn't come away from a single one feeling like I could leave him in it. We went down a different childcare route entirely and will be again when I return to work in a coule of months time. Luckily for us we were/are able to do that; I fully realise many are not.

As for why people who work in them don't improve the system from within - well, honestly, I don't see how they could. They are often young, inexperienced, unable to change ingrained cultures, outnumbered, etc, etc. The list is endless.

sodoffbaldrick
Brilliant post. Thank you.

What is there not to get fluffypillow?

I had been very fortunate to get back into a good job, which gave me a lot of satisfaction and fulfilment to add to the fulfilment I got from days spent at home with the children. I visited a number of nurseries and childminders, found a nursery which ticked all the boxes for me (it wasn't Ofsted outstanding btw, and I don't know about the length of the waiting list!) - it was warm, caring and my ds was happy and secure and well looked after for the years he attended. I'm sure my ds would also have been fine if he hadnt gone to nursery from such a young age (my dd didnt). My point is that going to nursery was equally fine - with the added huge benefit that I could continue my career too.

Well, my DS goes to a nursery that is very good. His key worker is lovely, has children of her own (who attend the nursery as well, one of which in the same group as DS) and is totally honest with me about the events of the day.

I'll be sad to see the end of his nursery years if I'm totally honest, he's got a hell of a lot out of it.

baldrick what a long winded post,do you plan to personally address all other posters who have temerity to disagree with you
if you're so happy then you'll have no need to so vigorously revoke my posts. as after all it's words on a screen.

I can't recall your posts, so no long wind rebuke from me

I don't share the view that a nursery is 'equally fine' for a baby as being at home with a loving parent. The benefit was for you, not him. This is my point.

fluffypillow - you don't need to share the view - they are my children and I know that my ds had just as good an experience spending some of his time at nursery, as my dd had, being with me as a SAHM!

Yes - my career does benefit me - though it also benefits my children and indeed my DH, not simply because of the money, but because they have a happy, fulfilled mother/wife. Win win! Nothing selfish about allowing oneself to be a fulfilled person.

Gosh I so hope that some of these children get some outside influence from somewhere so that they can learn a little empathy, as it doesn't seem like they will learn it at home!

That's a good point annakin. I would add though, that going to work isn't necessarily about avoiding depression or isolation.
I was very happy spending time at home with my children, and didn't find it boring or isolating. I just enjoyed being able to work too. It's entirely possible to return to work because you have a good job which you enjoy - it doesnt mean you don't find being with your children great too.

bubandbump

Firstly Annakin Thank you for picking me up on my spelling mistake.

I do not think you are less loving or caring towards your children than me. I meant we are very different people because I wouldn't make the choice you made.
As for 'they don't do much'.....what would you like babies to do? I think they are absolutely amazing.

I also fail to see why you think my DD will need to spend every minute with me for evermore, she's only 15 months fgs, I don't think we need worry just yet!

lol bubandbump
nail
head
moment

Why the buggery hell would someone who didn't much like children, and didn't want to keep them happy, content and occupied, and therefore easier to be around, get a job in a nursery? It's not for the money, I've seen what they earn

It's entirely possible to think one's own babies are amazing (I did - they were INCREDIBLE) yet still enjoy going to work as well.

so they can come and crow on mn that they beat dem children at bleak day care barn
they know staff doncha know