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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to have put FIL in his place about nursery

470 replies

pointbreak · 27/04/2012 13:55

Out of the blue he announced he thought it was a shame that DD had gone to nursery at 13 months. She goes 3 days a week, 8.30 - 4.30. She is at home with me the other two days and me, DD and DH spend the weekend as a family. She is happy as larry. He now admits it has benefited her but he didn't think that before she went. Please bear in mind MIL worked in a nursery for 12 years.

He went on to tell me that they were lucky as his wife didn't need to work when their DC were young. I pointed out that we didn't NEED me to work, but my career was important to me and just as valid's as his DS's career, so why should I give it all up. I did have PND for the first 6 months of DD's life and we all know that returning to work can help with that.

So, was IBU? What else should I have said? Or not?

OP posts:
hawkmoon269 · 01/05/2012 20:16

pointbreak who said all nurseries are equal? Seriously, who?

hawkmoon269 · 01/05/2012 20:18

pointbreak who said all nurseries are equal? Seriously, who?

Original poster
pointbreak · 01/05/2012 20:21

Sorry hawkmoon, that post was not aimed at you, sorry if you thought that!

OP posts:
tinkerbel72 · 01/05/2012 20:22

So now we've got parents who aren't capable of looking beneath the surface and knowing what is best for their child in their personal situation. And all this is reported by people who worked in these poor nurseries and were happy to do so for many months and years! I don't know which is worse- the patronising attitude towards the poor parents who can't make a good judgement, or the sheer hypocrisy of those who are happy to take the wages in these shoddy establishments

lemonaid · 01/05/2012 20:24

I think you should have said "We were lucky too, as DH didn't NEED to work. But he wanted to keep working rather than be a stay at home father and I fully support him in that choice "

Original poster
pointbreak · 01/05/2012 20:26

Oooooh lemonaid, that is fab. Will keep that in my backpocket for another time. Perfect response....

OP posts:
AberdeenAgnes · 01/05/2012 20:27

Blimey is this still going on? I don't know how people find the motivation to cling onto this topic for days on end.

CailinDana · 01/05/2012 20:30

What a pointless comment Aberdeen.

DollysDrawers · 01/05/2012 20:30

I agree tinkerbel I could never work anywhere that I felt did not treat children well and if I did come across somewhere like that I would report them to Ofsted. I certainly couldn't keep going from one crap place to another for years.

hawkmoon269 · 01/05/2012 20:30

tinkerbel I wasn't happy. That's why I stopped. And I worked in university holidays - a few weeks at a time.

I'm sorry if you feel I'm patronising parents. But sometimes, just sometimes parents get things wrong. All parents do. And as I said, some are much more trusting of official reports and reputation than their instincts. They're not bad parents. I'm not judging them.

pointbreak ah, I'm sorry too.

AberdeenAgnes · 01/05/2012 20:32

I'm sorry, this was a bit too passive-aggressive lite wasn't it? What I actually meant was, I think some people doth protest too much...

hawkmoon269 · 01/05/2012 20:34

dolly and if I saw now what I saw then I WOULD have reported it but (for the umpteenth time) I was a teenager. I just thought "how sad, nurseries aren't all their cracked up to be", tried to be extra nice to the unpopular children and got out of there as soon as I could. I was normally only there for a week at a time anyway.

Please be a but sensitive. I feel retrospectively guilty enough that I didn't do anything at the time. Although I did eventually explain to my nanny agency why I would work in nurseries anymore...

hawkmoon269 · 01/05/2012 20:36

they're not their. I'm clearly tired and in need of some real life supper. Night all!

CailinDana · 01/05/2012 20:37

I left teaching. Reporting anything to OFSTED gets you nowhere. I say that from experience. They're not interested.

hawkmoon269 · 01/05/2012 20:37

Good grief. And bit sensitive. Not commenting on anyone's butts Smile

DollysDrawers · 01/05/2012 20:42

with respect hawkmoon, you did say you worked in nurseries for years and I feel you have been fairly insensitive to some parents on here who have spent a great deal of time and put a lot of thought into selecting appropriate childcare for their children. Some parents work because they want to, some work because they have no choice and they may feel guilty enough as it is too.

I genuinely don't mean this to be inflammatory, it's just what I felt when reading your posts.

CailinDana · 01/05/2012 20:53

Plenty of people stay in jobs that they're not happy with. It's not as easy as saying "Well if you weren't happy why didn't you just leave and report them to OFSTED?" For one thing, it's not as simple as just leaving a job if you don't have another one to go to (although I did do this in the school that was closed for abuse, I couldn't take it any more) and what can you say to OFSTED? "On Thursday Mary left Amelia in her dirty nappy for over an hour and on Friday Jane didn't pick little Christopher up when he cried?" You would be told to get lost.

What the people who have worked in nurseries are talking about isn't out and out abuse, it's just low level lack of care, either due to being too busy or due to genuine disinterest on the part of the workers.

DollysDrawers · 01/05/2012 21:02

Cailin I have reported to Ofsted before and something did get done. I'm not talking about reporting for one off incidents like the occasional nappy being missed, but if there is continual poor care then surely you (general) would want to do something about that? How can anyone expect things to change if they are just accepted, even if they are known to be wrong?

DollysDrawers · 01/05/2012 21:03

Sorry posted too soon, wanted to say that staying in a job you don't like because it's a bit crap and boring and staying in a job you don't like where you feel that children are not being cared for properly are two different things IMO.

Annakin31 · 01/05/2012 21:03

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

pinkappleby · 01/05/2012 21:06

My sister has worked in nurseries and is adamant that she would not use one. I have tried to press her on why and it seems to be about the staff only spending time with the kids they like and doing the bare minimum for the others. That echos what quite a few others on here have said. Suggestion that if you have a clean, non-agressive, verbal, potty trained girl you may be fine, if not you might have to watch more carefully.

Maybe some of it is expectations. I am expecting to use a nursery for DC3, she will be 3 by then so able to report back. I am expecting them to keep her safe and make toys/activities available. That's all.

Annakin31 · 01/05/2012 21:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

MamaMary · 01/05/2012 21:27

Just to add to the debate, I and my siblings were looked after by a childminder from primary school age (my DS was a baby).

We loved her. She played games and told stories and did craft stuff that our DM never did with us (though we loved DM too!). She was such a lovely and important figure in our childhood. I still am in touch with her, and she was my first choice of childminder to look after my DD (she couldn't do it unfortunately).

MamaMary · 01/05/2012 21:28

Sorry, i meant DSis not, DS!

fluffypillow · 01/05/2012 21:37

Annakin I'm sorry, but I just have a different prospective on this to you. My days are far from long and empty. I ENJOY being with my Daughter. She makes me happy. I am very fulfilled, and don't want this time we spend together while she is small to ever end. She is this amazing little soul, and I want to look after her all the time, and make sure she is safe and well cared for. A Nursery is not an option for us, I wouldn't even consider it.

I only have to read some of the posts on here to see how awful some of these places really are, and I stand by the fact that you can never really know what goes on in a Nursery until you are there ALL the time.

You say you did a job you didn't like, just to have time away from your DD, and read the paper?! We are very different people.