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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This has made me so angry..working mums, we are the devils work

391 replies

sh1t · 26/04/2012 19:50

I read this, and wish I hadn't

paid strangers to look after our kids

I sort of get the sentiment behind it, but the tone of smuggery just irks me, and the post is so skewed to mums, what about dads. The author claims she is a feminist, but I can't see it.

OP posts:
scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 23:00

met the precious moments crew at hv group
cringey and good for a laugh
but hell they really reinforced I was happy to return ft
and of course school has precious moments mamas too, but never see them or do coffee mornings or PTA. but yes they too do comment oh dearie dear, are you not able to attend the sniffing ensemble, or sports day or man the food stall

lol,you see work has it's advantages

blackeyedsusan · 26/04/2012 23:00

whatever you do re work/children/childcare you ae going to be damnbed by someone.

it would be better if parents had the choice about working/not wworking/part-time working/sharing woking hours between the 2 parents...

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 23:02

precious moments mamas give me so much mirth,and good stories
primary is like meeting a whole new another set of them

fedupofnamechanging · 26/04/2012 23:02

Curry, I posted up thread on my response to that article - I have not defended it. I have said that it's about time women stopped doing this to each other and negative comments are hurtful, no matter what 'side' you fall on.

I have been both a sahm and a wohm - it is foolish and short sighted of women to attack each other all the time, when in reality most people are just doing their best, given their particular circumstances.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/04/2012 23:05

I have manages to swerve both coffee mornings and the PTA - it's not the law that a sahm must do these things. I do go to sports day - it makes my kids happy, so I'm stuck with that one!

fedupofnamechanging · 26/04/2012 23:08

Plenty of wohp attend Sports day/help out on the PTA - it's really not a question of sah = attend everything, woh = attend nothing.

people are a mix, which is why this sniping is so pointless

FayeGovan · 26/04/2012 23:09

sm, now your kids are older and you've been back at work for years, don't you get fed up on these threads rehashing the same old stuff? I've seen you writing the same stuff for years, aren't you bored of it all by now?

genuine question

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 23:10

our PTA only meet during day,no evening or weekend
sport day is weekday afternoon, at work

MotherOfSuburbia · 26/04/2012 23:10

I've seen this doing the rounds on Facebook today and it has made me very uncomfortable.

I've been a SAHM for the last 9+ years with 4 childen and I think it was the right decision for my family but that's what I think is important - that each family should be able to decide what is best for them and their children.

There are so many different factors that go into making this decision and I think it is so damaging to catagorise one way or the other as 'right' or 'wrong'.

fedupofnamechanging · 26/04/2012 23:11

Every woman should be able to make her choices and not have other people rip them to shreds for it.

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 23:12

these threads are perennial
enduring themes replicated year in year out
and all eacted across mn
what's not to like

FayeGovan · 26/04/2012 23:14

thats what I mean, you've been on them for so long aren;t you bored of it all by now?

what to like about rehashing a post you probably made eons ago?

move on

Birdsgottafly · 26/04/2012 23:16

The governments proposal to welfare reform, universal credit is designed with the intention of having everone doing some work, sort of 'with rights, come responsibilities'.

There proposals included those that have caring responsibilities, (children and disabled people), whether they want to undertake employment or not.

This devalues the role of caring for a dependant. All this woman is doing is putting the case of a parent who is happy to look after a preschool child.

This plan doesn't make sense for everyone and those that it doesn't have a right to make their point, if others take it as a criticism, they have misunderstood the point.

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 23:17

faye will you ask the same question to biddulph fans,and the why have em if you leave with strangers posters?

given their stance doesn't much deviate or digress

you see thats the thing about a consistently held opinion, it's expressed consistently

FayeGovan · 26/04/2012 23:23

have just read the link the op refered to

great article, but uncomfortable reading for many

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 23:29

frankly I know my kids are Ok in nursery and school and I don't seek approbation, nor worry about derision from articles

these articles and various research they pop up nearly daily

I have my own judgment and know what works for us as family

aquashiv · 26/04/2012 23:31

It amazes and saddens me to read such shite in this day and age....

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 23:34

doesn't sadden or amaze
psychobabble, attempting to guilt trip mums and poor research has been on go for years

DuelingFanjo · 26/04/2012 23:36

why on earth is she comparing the children she worked with in therapy who suffered abuse with children in childcare?

I think she's better off out of the world of therapy if she can't see the difference between abuse and childcare.

what crap!

scottishmummy · 26/04/2012 23:41

she's doing that fully qualified am I...so listen to me you people .as if her experiences are universal and applicable to all

you see good childcare isn comparable to abuse and dysfunction
but for whatever reason she has drawn comparison

SeaHouses · 26/04/2012 23:44

I don't know if I feel more saddened or resentful.

I feel a bit resentful for anyone, either SAHP or WOHP who has found it all so easy that they can write smug articles saying how wonderful what they do is and how everyone should do what they do.

DD is my youngest and she is starting secondary school in September and I will breathe a sigh of relief that childcare will no longer be an issue. I've been both a SAHM and a WOHM. I have had some good times at home with the kids and I have had at some point, excellent childcare. But I've also had frustrating times when I wanted to work and couldn't afford childcare, and miserable times when I was at work and my children were in substandard care in an out of school club.

And I read all the time on here about people who want to work and can't, people who work and want good childcare but haven't got any available, and people who are exhausted trying to combine their job with poor childcare.

It can only be a good thing if the government sorts out decent childcare so it is available for everyone, but at the moment I just find it sad that women are criticising each other over this issue. I really don't want to hear about how easy other people's choices are. It doesn't make my choices easy just because somebody else's have worked out brilliantly.

Marymaryalittlecontrary · 26/04/2012 23:58

I have worked in quite a few nurseries. I worked in one for a year, and then after I qualified as a teacher I did supply teaching and took supply jobs as a nursery nurse on days that there were no teaching jobs.

I would not put a child under the age of 3 in any of the nurseries I've worked in.

I'm sure many of the parents thought that these were fantastic places, but the vast majority of staff did not love the children, and did not look after them better than a loving parent could. In one nursery it was twin toddler boys' first day at the nursery. They came in, mum left them and they cried. A member of staff sat with them for a few minutes then left them because they were crying. 'Oh just leave them,' she said, 'they have to learn.' What did they have to learn at 2 years old? That mummy had left them in this scary place and no-one cared that they were upset?! So I sat and played with them, and yes it did take a while for them to stop crying but they did stop.

At another nursery the children aged 2-4 had free access to the toilets and sinks, which was all well and good if they were properly supervised but they weren't, so they ended up soaking themselves from playing in the sinks. I changed a few children who had been ignored by regular staff even though their tops were totally drenched in cold water.

At that same nursery a girl of just turned 2 was teething or just a bit under the weather and all she wanted was for someone to pick her up but she kept being told 'I'm busy, I can't pick you up.' The staff members weren't doing anything that they couldn't have done with her on their hip. I would have carried her but she was shy and wouldn't come to me. But the people she knew just couldn't be bothered with her.

At another nursery the staff in the under twos room just sat around chatting while the babies toddled about.

Somewhere else a toddler bit a younger baby because they weren't being supervised properly and the staff then lied about what happened to cover their backs.

There are many more examples I could give, but I won't go on. My point is that these places are seen as 'quality childcare' but are really not. Most are staffed by girls who don't really want to be there and don't really know how best to treat small children. I think when shagmund was sharing her experiences someone said that her bad experiences must be rare. But they're not. I have been in a lot of nurseries, and not one would I put a child under 3 in. Plus, I personally think that children under that age are not suited to group situations without a parent also present.

I think childminders are different if you get a good one, and obviously grandparents are often good child carers because they automatically love the child.

Plus, for some children, who have parents who honestly don't know how best to bring up a small child, then nurseries are the better option.

My mum was at the top of her profession when she left it to have my brother. She thought about paid childcare so she could carry on working but realised that she didn't believe that anyone could look after her child better than she could.

Whatmeworry · 27/04/2012 00:04

why on earth is she comparing the children she worked with in therapy who suffered abuse with children in childcare?e.

There is a new abuse frenzy being whipped up, trick is to extend the definition of abuse to all sorts of hitherto untouched and increasingly far fetched arenas and then claim its rampant and there needs to be funding etc etc.

They will be inspecting all the kids' arseholes again in a year or so. You heard it here first....

aquashiv · 27/04/2012 00:11

SeaHouses I agree esp your last para..

hairytale · 27/04/2012 00:21

It's utter bollocks. Especially this bit

" As a mother now, my daily activity with my children is not so far removed from my former working life. I play, I witness, I create safe boundaries, I hold the space, and I help other people make sense of difficult emotions. My work as a therapist taught me first hand the enormous value of 'just being there"

If being a mother is like being a therapist, she is doing it wrong. "just being there" is not good parenting.

I could "just be there" but wed be crying into our cheap beans on toast each meal time in the freezing cold with dirty clothes on, because if I didn't work we'd have no money.

If I paid my Oxford graduate counselling psychologist what I did per hour, damn right the two are not the bloody same!