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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

This has made me so angry..working mums, we are the devils work

391 replies

sh1t · 26/04/2012 19:50

I read this, and wish I hadn't

paid strangers to look after our kids

I sort of get the sentiment behind it, but the tone of smuggery just irks me, and the post is so skewed to mums, what about dads. The author claims she is a feminist, but I can't see it.

OP posts:
CharlotteBronteSaurus · 27/04/2012 21:15

ppppffffftttttt
i work with adults with major mental health problems. trust me, no-one comes to see me because they spent time in nursery aged 18mo.

if anything, many of the people i work with could have done with spending more time outside of the family home. There are plenty of parents who spend literally all day leaving the small dc strapped in the buggy with a bottle of ribena and a biscuit. at nursery these children are offered nutritional food, the opportunity to explore a safe and stimulating environment, and plenty of cuddles. Yes, there are occasions when a crying baby might have to wait a few minutes for a cuddle, but that's also the case with SAHPs of more than one child.

and as the author of the article will know because of her background in psychology, the impact of maternal depression on attachment is enormous, and can be difficult to reverse.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 21:16

I'd like mule to come back, and stop the poor me act

Bonsoir · 27/04/2012 21:27

I'm sure mule's DCs are delightful, assured and happy.

Any parent who thinks that DCs are just as happy and well-adjusted spending extended time in childcare as spending time at home is deluding themselves. It's fine to put your job first (for whatever reason) but just don't think that DCs wouldn't rather have their parents around when they aren't at school/at activities, and that they aren't happier and more secure for it.

Of course, some parents actively want to bring their children up to be aggressive and distrusting of the world. The best way to achieve that is to outsource as much childcare as possible.

FayeGovan · 27/04/2012 21:28

sm, to me she didn't do a poor me act at all, she answered some of the posts and reiterated her feelings

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 21:38

obviously Faye given you and mule concur,you would like her posts

FayeGovan · 27/04/2012 21:42

yes, I do

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 21:53

so given that no surprise you don't take issue with her article

FayeGovan · 27/04/2012 21:59

yes again

anyway, it'd be boring if we were all the same wouldn't it

Whatmeworry · 27/04/2012 22:02

I'd like mule to come back, and stop the poor me act

Given that she can afford to be a SAHM, poor is not the word I'd use :)

The women who really need good affordable childcare are those that have to work.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 22:03

good point well made

FayeGovan · 27/04/2012 22:14

some mums stay at home as they cant find childcare to work around a dh's shifts or they cant afford to work for a loss

not all sahm's are loaded and living with a dentist

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 22:23

lol,loaded and living wi a dentist
keech
but funny. v v funny

catgirl1976 · 27/04/2012 22:25

My DS's key worker has her own child at the nursery. In a different room but at the same nursery. I think that's a fairly good recommendation.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 22:26

yes staff at my nursery send own kids there

Shagmundfreud · 27/04/2012 22:29

CharlotteBronteSaurus - you don't know how the formative experiences people have under the care of others as babies impacts on their mental health as adults.

Nobody here is comparing it to the impact of being severely neglected by a parent.

That doesn't mean that experiences of care outside the home - which may form the bulk of someone's early life experience in infancy - haven't had a damaging impact on them and perhaps contributed to emotional health problems in adulthood.

"Yes, there are occasions when a crying baby might have to wait a few minutes for a cuddle"

And also a case where a baby may have to share his or her care with another two children of the same age who may demand constant carrying and attention. How can one person easily meet the needs of three babies? I've never met anyone who think parenting triplets is a doddle. Most people think it's an extraordinary feat. And yet we expect someone earning £6.50 an hour, with an NVQ level 2, to make a good job of it? And what about those babies in nurseries where the staff turnover is high? There are many nurseries in London like this.

When I was teaching on a CACHE my colleague used to go out doing the nursery visits for the purpose of observing students on placement. She used to come out in a state of depression about the baby rooms in many of the nurseries she visited. Sometimes two or three babies standing up in cots crying at once. Staff trying to stretch themselves between all the babies but obviously (because it's hard to rock two or three crying babies at once) struggling to meet everyone's needs.

And some of the babies spending 50 hours + in an environment where they don't have a secure attachment with ANYONE.

So no - maybe it doesn't result in the same sort of terrible fall-out you get from neglectful families, but that doesn't mean it doesn't matter or that it's fair, or that it's harmless or trivial.

FayeGovan · 27/04/2012 22:34

catgirl and sm, childcare workers sending their own kids to the nurseries where they work isn't the same as sending kids to a nursery you don't work in, surely you can both see the difference there

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 22:36

maybe the nursery nurses should live wi loaded dentist

FayeGovan · 27/04/2012 22:37
Grin
catgirl1976 · 27/04/2012 22:38

Yes I can see the difference Faye - luckily I wasn't making a comparison. I was simply addressing the comments about nursery workers not using nursery care and suggesting that sending you own child to a nursery you work at is reasonable endorsement of that nursery.

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 22:40

loaded living wi a dentist
priceless
v v funny
can imagine it said in raspy faggy voice

DuelingFanjo · 27/04/2012 22:41

Ok, i have read it again and am still not sure what the purpose of these two paragraphs was

'I look after my children full time, and don't plan to return to work until the youngest has started school. Far from being a 1950s housewife (to me this implies little skill or ambition beyond bakery), I've studied at post-graduate level, and prior to becoming a mother, I practiced as a therapist, working with both adults and children who had experienced abuse. This gave me a lot of 'hands on' experience of the devastating impact this can have; a lifetime of difficulties such as addiction, self harm, the inability to sustain any meaningful relationships, and unbearable emotional pain.

Of course, this is the extreme end of a very long spectrum. Towards the other end, I met many of those people we might call the 'Walking Wounded', who live their lives fairly successfully, and don't suffer any major mental health problems. But placed in a situation like therapy, in which they are invited to explore their deepest feelings, they will reveal all manner of childhood experiences that they wish had unfolded differently. A Walking Wounded person might cry a river of tears over the fact that their father went away for three days without explanation when they were six, or that their mother's hugs were always slightly brittle and reluctant.'

catgirl1976 · 27/04/2012 22:43

The thing that interests me on these threads is that I do what I know works best for me and my child (which in this case is sending him to nursery pt at 4 months old). He is happy, I am happy this is the optimal situation for us.

I assume everyone else does what works best for them and their child.

However, what I don't do is feel the need to extrapolotate that the things that is best for our individual circumstances and situation is likely to be the best thing for anyone else. Nor do I care what anyone else does with their own children or what they think of what I do with mine.

This odd need that seems to exist on these threads from people desparate to convince other people whose situations they know nothing about that what they do would be best for them too baffles me.

molly3478 · 27/04/2012 22:46

Shagmund - That is easily sorted though just dont put your babies in places like that. The most babies we will take is 3 under 1 as we assess the needs of the children. That means 1 baby to 1 worker and the rest is made up of either 1 or 2 aged 1 - 2s. This is plain to see when you come to the nursery, open door anytime and settling in is very long parents are in setting for long periods etc.

It is easy to see the difference between nurseries where they have rows and rows of cots and are stretched compared to decent ones.

FayeGovan · 27/04/2012 22:49

sm, us burds faye goven all have raspy faggy voices Grin

scottishmummy · 27/04/2012 22:59

and the best lines!
being a scheme wean I too can appreciate the raspy faggy mammy

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