This has made me so angry..working mums, we are the devils work

[sh1t]

I read this, and wish I hadn't

paid strangers to look after our kids

I sort of get the sentiment behind it, but the tone of smuggery just irks me, and the post is so skewed to mums, what about dads. The author claims she is a feminist, but I can't see it.

Uncomfortable reading, alright...

I have been a SAHM for the last year, and it has been the toughest year of my life. I am not cut out for it. I struggle with it. I don't have the patience. I adore my two and do everything I can for them, I love spending time with them (and love the breaks just as much; long for them sometimes) but I hate to admit it, I resent it a lot of the time, find it unrelenting, frustrating and unsatisfying.

And I feel so, so guilty for all of this.

I am now on the verge of going back to work full time - not because we need to, but for my own sanity - and reading this makes me feel pretty desperate. If only I could be a better mother to them and be what they deserve. That author should consider herself very, very lucky.

There's certainly a growing body of evidence that emotional neglect in infancy is strongly linked to depression and anxiety in adulthood.

I think we all know what emotional neglect looks like having watched the social workers on tele - it has nothing to do with sah or wohms.

I think the article is unfair, even to the SAHM's she says she supports because the implication is that "if you do one thing wrong your child will end up in therapy so you have to be on top form every day of your life"

Sorry, but that's just bollocks. My mum was sometimes amazing, sometimes adequate and had bad moments too. I'm not going to sit in some therapists office aged 35 going "Oh boo-hoo. When I was fifteen my mum lost it with me and stormed off for 3 hours [aka going for a walk to cool down so she didnt strangle my petulant ass]. I've never got over the feeling of complete abandonment."

I am also of the rather cynical opinion that it's never in the therapist's interests not to find any childhood ishoos. Not when you can charge £x per hr sorting them out.

I work with my own children at a nursery and i know i couldnt provide those same experiences at home. Our nursery does nothing stated on here. i would never send my children to a nursery with 3 small babies to carer though as think that is too much.

It's a blog entry on a loss making website.and nothing more. All you are doing is driving web traffic to it to making it appear more important.

Novack. You're right- for some reason I thought this was in the Guardian.

Reminds me about the saying about self-pub, which could as easily be about the internet

"The best thing about self-pub is that anyone can do it. The worst thing about self-pub is that anyone can do it"

novack yes you are right, we are giving the article too mcuh attention, but I would really like author to come on here and see how her article reacts with people.

richman yes I feel like she is sending out a message of unattainable perfection. That she is pretty close to it, and we all need to learn from her.

the author has compared her work with dysfunction and trauma to nursery. to infer that nursery causes trauma and dysfunction
its a false and alarmist comparison
i am genuinely suprised one would see it as such a clear comparison - its not

and as much as there will be someone who knows someone who worked in nursery and she sid it was hell..dont abandon dem babies there. well again thats not universal,or a given that all nursery is poor

there are a range of nurseries,with varying quality
just as there are range of parents and childminders/nannies with varying ability

all my dc at nursery from 6mth, and it has been great suits us

the staff are paid carers, with a clear role and boundaries
its a transaction
my children dont need a nursery nurse to love them, they have loving parents
they need a safe,stimulating environment with adults who will be kind and show regard

sodoffbaldrick

Dont beat yourself up! not everyone is cut out to be a SAHM, and not everyone is cut out to be a WOHM

we are all DIFFERENT

and we need all types for society to thrive

The GUILT on this thread is annoying the fuck out of me! I wish people could be securer in the choices they have made

and not let some smug and misguided blogger upset them

sodoffbaldrick I've heard that the whole "babies should be at home with their Mums" was put about after WW2 to persuade mothers back into the home so that the returning soldiers could get their jobs back. Don't feel guilty about going back to work. I love my family dearly but wouldn't want to be with them 24/7. Each to his own

baldrick you are entitled to happiness and self-worth too
if housewife feels relentless to you,then yes yes go back to work

there has become a a bit of a thing that being mummy is a giving things up competition. implied is you measure maternal love by what mum gave up. we dodnt need to martyr ourselves, if you have choice of work take it. and go back with a happy heart.knowing its a good role model for children to see mum work and contribute

and lose the guilt, as you'll encounter the precious moments mamas who will try do that for you

Surely everyone can see this therapist lady is justifying her own life choices. Fair enough, I do the same. I work outside the home (one parent at home til about 2) because I believe it to be important that women take their place in the external world and don't want to lose my 'slot' in the workplace, or pay an economic penalty for doing so for a few years. I also have excellent qualifications and a drive to write/lecture/work which won't be satisfied otherwise. I don't think women need to keep apologise for working, or pretend it's all about the money. I want my children to grow up fulfilling their potential, including in the work arena as well as others, as well as wanting to fulfil my own.

The difference is I don't mind if others don't feel the same. Good for her for having made choices which match her own internal values, bad for her for suggesting everyone else make the same ones.

The thing about this writer is that she doesn't seem to grasp that she has a skewed sample based on her previous work experience. She saw people who (presumably) self-selected for therapy, hence the "walking wounded". She wasn't spending her days with the happy and thriving, who may or may not have been in childcare since early youth.

I think I'm a good mother, but there was quite a lot of disruption in my dd's first two years - her father was awful to live with, I left him when she was 18 months, and we're about to move home for the fourth time since she was born (she's four). Throughout it all, nursery has given her continuity. The fact that there wasn't a lot of emotion is a good thing - it was the calm and stable environment that she needed.

ah but is the emotional leverage of as a therapist she is strongly suggesting that nursery produces trauma and dysfunction. and as a therapist she then goes on to use words like abuse which is sure to be emotive and push a few buttons

quite frankly ive never felt guilt or worked with anyone else who did. so meeting the precious moments mamas was a real surprise

i dont work solely for money, its nice i wont deny it
but its not about the money
it is about self worth, sense of vocation, loving my job, getting approbation from it. knowing im v good at my job. and making a positive role mode contribution

work is tied up in a lot of my adult identity, values and ethos
im not solely mum,nor would i want to be
and i have pretty much always known id work ft with children

I actually thought it was a very good article. Like other posters have said this is a response to Nick Clegg not an attack on working mothers.

I have been a working mother and a SAHM and I get really annoyed by any implication by politicians that staying at home with children is not good for the economy or that I should have been at work. I feel the author was annoyed at Nick Clegg's attitude. Rightly so! She was defending her position.

I know many nursery workers are extremely good but I did a placement in a nursery where I live that had a very good name amongst working mothers here. I saw things that were in my opinion child abuse and the parents were oblivious to it and the children were too young to say anything. I had to make a formal complaint to my university about them. Many other students found similar things in the nurseries they were sent to. This was before I had children.

Whilst I do accept that childcare can be excellent some of it isn't at all. I resent the likes of Nick Clegg implying that my children would have had learnt more from a nursery than if they were at home with me. That is not an attack on people that do send their kids to nursery or work by the way. I am merely saying that SAHM mothers have the right to defend their role in society.

I don't think for a minute she thinks that all mothers are good mothers - she was a therapist, she will be only too aware of the darker side of some parents. I don't even think she was saying that all mothers should be a SAHM. She was telling Nick Clegg that he should value mothers and the role they play in a child's life.

Who cares what she thinks? She's a nobody on a low traffic website. She's just a twit, don't waste energy on her.

it is an attack on working mums
dark hints of abuse recollections of her time as a therapist to add gravitas

karma know this was ages ago now but just back on this then must do some ackshual work I wasn't criticising SAHMs with what I said about my own mum. But this is the thing: in praising my own WOHM mother, it's easy to see that as criticism of someone else's choice.

It's not. I know I'd struggle massively being a SAHM (really sympathise with Baldrick) but that isn't a reason it isn't a great choice for someone else. I'd frankly also struggle working in HR or a people-facing position or as a paramedic. Horses for courses.

I just hate the stupid child abuse angle on nursery. I wouldn't expect a nursery nurse to 'love' my child and would think it pretty weird if they did - any more than I'd expect a reception teacher to. I would expect them to provide a safe environment with fun activities and healthy food and space to run around.

A friend works in a nursery in a very deprived area where the children love nursery because it is a break from watching TV all day in cramped conditions or sitting in mum's launderette. Friend knows that, for example, one child will be taken home at lunchtime by 'aunty' sat in front of TV with a packet of biscuits until bed time.

For many children the alternative is not baking cup cakes with mummy.

indeed and local authorities/nhs use nursery to give some children a more stimulating safe educational environment than they would get at home

RP, fair enough. I agree with you regarding the whole nursery = child abuse angle of this article.

It is hard sometimes when wohm say things like "knowing its a good role model for children to see mum work and contribute" (Scottishmummy), which does imply that sahm are not providing good role models or contributing to society.

marymary and other posters ..it is so good to hear that i am not alone on this subject about their being crappy nurseries.. especially in the private sector..to the owners they are just money magnets...staffed by mostly young girls who dont have a clue

changes need to be made and drastically ...as i refuse to go bk to my job role as it is the treatment of staff also

i was once left with 17 children (all 2 and under) for an hour on my own, whilst young girls went into another room and chanted shit about handbogs and asos..because i had the audacity (owners words) to whistleblow at my mistreatment, i was made to feel excluded and was bullied out of the job..

complain to ofsted you may cry out..they do bugger all

this is why I end up hiding threads like thes. Posters start off by trying to make working mums feel like shit for having a job and if that doesn't work they then start telling horrible stories about the nurseries they worked in.

I am sure there is bad childcare out there - in nurseries, in childminder settings and even in families - but I definitely don't need to be told that childcare for under 3s is shit because some people had shit experiences working in childcare.

I think that posters need to realise that this wasn't a random piece of writing (as i pointed out ealier). She is putting a point across to NC, in light of new proposed changes to the benefit system, paternity leave and having everyone doing some work outside of the home, including carers.

Her other writings against child abuse and subtle negative messages given out about motherhood and children's rights are really good.

duelingfanjo everyone is entitled to their opinions