Fucking hell im so upset and downright furious

[WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill]

A letter on a scrap of paper has been sent through my front door. It claims to be from a 'concerned' resident in the close which reads.

'Dear Neighbour,
I write to you out of concern for the value of my home and others in the cul de sac. I have written to yourself and two other residents in the close. Firstly I would like to apologise if this offends you in any way but I feel it needs to be said.
I appreciate that we all live very busy lives but I feel that we owe it to each other to spend a small amount of time on the upkeep of our property. I can only pressume that you did not realize your home looks a mess. I feel concerned for the value of my home and feel we owe it to each other to make an effort to keep our homes looking nice.
Your house reminds me of a poverty stricken council house with toys regularly strewn on your drive and your blinds look a mess. Once again I apologise if this offends you but again I would like to be told if I was upsetting others around me.

Im toying with the idea of sending this through every door.

Dear concerned nosy neighour
I apologise if this letter is not applicable to you but thats the problem when people dont have the bollocks to address a complaint directly and include and address for correspondence, as any mature adult would do.
Anyway I do apologise if my house offends you so much, but there is one option that may help in this situation- DONT LOOK! And im sure it wont affect you soon anyway as you will probably go blind due to being a persistant WANKER.
Many thanks,
Whale and family x

What? Unbeleivable!

What a prize tosser....

Get an old fridge.

And a set of balding tyres.

We have a nicely faded 15 yr old plastic Kiddie Club Coupe car - too small for any of my kids now. It sits in the garden looking old now. If you leave it long enough the seat and back window shelf fill up with water which can go nicely green. You'd be very welcome to it.

Make a sign with 'My neighbour is a tosser' with an arrow pointing to the relevant house and put it up in your garden. Some nice fairies lights twined around it would add class.

May I suggest adding a few tasteful gnomes to complete your delightful
jardin?

Perhaps one could be positioned riding shotgun on OrmIrian's Kiddie Club Coupe car whilst another could be posed with his fishing rod dipping cheekily into a rusting paint can.

Don't be afraid to accessorise with plastic windmills and a broken down old wheelbarrow.

Sit back and wait for the compliments .

No Whale your proposed note will just annoy them and confirm their 'council house' prejudices by virtue of including swearing. I'd use some of the others suggested on here - noting that they now legally have to mention this 'dispute' to the estate agent and any prospective buyers - which should nicely kick their house price aspirations in the nuts. I would laminate their letter and your reply and stick it on your fence / the nearest lamppost too. That's a great idea.

I'd also piss myself that they are trying to sell in the longest economic downturn ever recorded in the UK, now confirmed to be a double dip recession - and they are blaming their falling house price on your garden. Hahhah sounds like someone has been watching too much Kirstie and Phil and has forgotten that house prices go down as well as up. I bet they are fecked off because they've had estate agents round to value their property and have found out it's not worth as much as they'd like it to be. Well tough shit - paper gains on houses don't mean Jack unless you sell up and realise them! And they've certainly missed the boat to do that (bar London).

And go on - you know you want to create a Cerne Abbas giant in weedkiller

What about

'Dear Neighbour,

I write to you out of concern for the value of my home and others in the cul de sac. I and two other residents have received the enclosed note. Firstly I would like to apologise if this offends you in any way but I feel it needs to be said. There is an idiot in our midst.

I appreciate that we all live very busy lives but I feel that we owe it to each other to spend a small amount of time minding our own business. I can only presume that the author did not realize how inappropriate their note is. I feel concerned for the value of my home with someone so rude and nosey living nearby and feel we owe it to each other to make an effort to keep our noses out of other people's affairs.

Your houses reminds me of the fact that different people have different priorities. Feel free to enjoy the toys I leave out and if anyone would like the name of my blind-maker, please ring my doorbell to ask, I'll be happy to help. Once again I apologise if this offends you but again I would like to be told if an utter fool was living nearby.

Warmest wishes

Whale'

See what I did there? Suppresses childish snucker

Like it!

You know those people who are obssessed with xmas. You've just become one of those, OP. Cue lights strung across every window, a sixteen foot inflatable snowman on your lawn and a sign across your roof saying, Santa Land Here. Should go down nicely in May.

Alternatively, how about a wind farm?

The barbecue season is nearly upon us. How about making your own gazebo out of a few washing poles and an old duvet cover. Seating to be provided by the derelict sofas.

Have an outdoor karaoke and make sure you invite lots of quick tempered louts who always finish off a good barbecue with a street fight.

OP, channelling Henry Root, perhaps you could fashion an official-sounding letter from the council advising your neighbour that a recent search of historic documents has uncovered an ancient right of way across their garden.

If memory serves, Henry Root spoofed an "official" letter to some unsuspecting homeowner, suggesting that a newly unearthed by-law meant anyone who chose to could actually drive a flock of sheep through the hallway of the unfortunate freeholder,and that it was the freeholder's duty to allow free and unfettered access at all times to said hallway for the purposes of "sheep relocation."

Just a thought.

Dublinmammy- I love it!!!

I think the words "cul de sac" and "council house" and "value of our home" tell you all you need to know about the person who wrote this letter.

I would bet they read the DM

Definitely stick to the sort of note DublinMammy wrote above. No swearing. People will be shocked enough by the copy of the original note. You want to be the one with the high ground and all that.

Good luck!

"its a close, you fucking moron"

this has made me :o

I grew up with cul-de-sacs; I thought they were closes in Scotland and never heard of them being anything other than cul-de-sacs in England [double blush]

I think Dublinmammy's letter is splendid, but I'd spoof the "concerned about the value of my home" by mentioning the real things which are affecting (recession etc) thus really showing up NosyKnob as an ignorant spiteful twat.

What an awfully rude letter..and very cowardly of whoever it was.
However...(asking cautiously!)..it does make me wonder how bad your house actually is? Most people don't notice other people's houses unless they are particularly smart or particularly a mess?

Personally..and just saying..regardless of all this devalue blah blah...I wouldn't like to live next to someone who just didn't give a shit. I think everyone has SOME kind of responsibility to keep their property clean and tidy. Isn't that just polite? (and you don't need money to be clean and tidy!)

The woman next door to me has appallingly dirty windows ;) i'm tempted to throw soapy water on them in the middle of the night haha to force her to clean them (when I say dirty..i would estimate they were last cleaned 10 yrs ago!) ...MIND YOU.....It doesn't annoy me enough to send a letter...

soooo..how bad is your house?! :D

I have no idea what a "close" is either, I was just turning this pratt's letter on him (or her!). Is it a posh cul de sac? Does sounding lovely and Frenchy not elevate cul de sac above close in the manner of "Bouquet" versus "Bucket" Oh! Look what happened there.......

Put an old rusty tin bath in the front garden That will learn them.

OP, I have a couple of recently removed car tyres I can come and deposit on your lawn if that may help?

Seriously though, the cheek of that letter!

oh we used to live in one of those kind of expensively managed apartment places, regularly notes went round from some sort of committee about bins etc

just tidy up your garden in the dead of night, then try putting another note around, detailing something related to the privacy act or something...

it's sooooo annoying to have neighbours like this - fussy types - in any situation, really annoy me

life too short to send your neighbours a note tho, they were out of order

couldnt they just have manned up and knocked on your door to speak face to face?

i'm loving teh response on this thread.

OP just keep an eye out over the next few days for any neighbours walking past and tutting or trying to assess whether you have tidied up your garden then you will know who to send your response to.

How many houses are there in your close?
I'd be knocking on every door to find out who the other 2 people who are ruining the neighbour hood are and finding out what their crimes were.
You will then hopefully find out who the stuck up nosey neighbour is too (unless they will deny all knowledge to your face)

There are over 50 houses in the close (totally not a cul de sac). I would go door knocking but I'm thinking what if it's not even a neighbour who sent it but a vindictive nob I know from elsewhere and I make a fool of myself

or...

just do NOTHING

NADA

ZILCH

get yourself some chocolate, have a brew and put it out of your mind - be THANKFUL and proud of yourself that you have never ever resorted to communicating with another human being via the NOTE system (as an adult anyhow, i think i last sent a note when i was 9)

author of said note needs to learn to live and let live so by doing nothing youre sending a stronger and more mannerly message of this and also that you can rise above such nonsense

yes, if your place is messy, tidy it up a bit, may make you feel good who knows, you may even find lost treasure...

but fundamentally, doing nothing and just forgetting about such idiots will make it clear that you are the bigger person and wont be bullied by stupid cowardly notes