Fucking hell im so upset and downright furious

[WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill]

A letter on a scrap of paper has been sent through my front door. It claims to be from a 'concerned' resident in the close which reads.

'Dear Neighbour,
I write to you out of concern for the value of my home and others in the cul de sac. I have written to yourself and two other residents in the close. Firstly I would like to apologise if this offends you in any way but I feel it needs to be said.
I appreciate that we all live very busy lives but I feel that we owe it to each other to spend a small amount of time on the upkeep of our property. I can only pressume that you did not realize your home looks a mess. I feel concerned for the value of my home and feel we owe it to each other to make an effort to keep our homes looking nice.
Your house reminds me of a poverty stricken council house with toys regularly strewn on your drive and your blinds look a mess. Once again I apologise if this offends you but again I would like to be told if I was upsetting others around me.

Paint "Piss off" on a sheet and hang it out of your upstairs window tomorrow!!

You could tidy it up, then see whose house goes up for sale first....

Do you leave the toys out overnight? If so YABU. I don't because I know that it DOES make the house look unkempt and this is a "NICE" area.

I am also untidy and so have to work a bit harder to stay on top...I never leave toys out in view at the front but the garden looks like a dump with nice borders.

I'd print a response and stick it up in my own window - what a flippin cheek, some people need to get a life.

Lol, sounds like my house. Oh dear, what a coward. I'd just ignore it. Shame you can't find out who it is.

So, time to write a letter and send it to every single house in the cul-de-sac!

Something along the lines of:

Dear Neighbours

I have received the attached letter from a kindly neighbour, who clearly lives in the perfect house in the cul-de-sac and has the perfect life and plenty of time on her hands.

It's really nice to know that I have such wonderful neighbours that are concerned about my property, but equally it is sad that they felt they could not speak to me in person.

I'd hae been quicker with my reply, but I was making a cup of tea! Sorry!

Send a note back.

Dear Neighbour,

We are concerned about your wellbeing, as you seem to be rather over-obsessed with the lives and private business of your neighbours. We feel that it would be better for your health if you found more productive and positive ways of filling your time. Eg get a hobby/television/life.

With love and concern

Whale oil and family

I think that I would look them in the eye and say calmly, it does offend so rather than apologise -don't do it.

There's a house near us with a toilet in the front garden. Very appealing it is too,and really raises the tone of the neighbourhood. You should get one.

But I do rather like the suggestion involving 'fuck off' being written on the blinds! Give the idiot something to really complain about!

I wouldn't do a letter drop to all the neighbours, if I were you, I'd stick their letter up outside my house and attach my reply.

My toys are permanently out, nowhere to put them and it doesn't bother me . Only have a bike, sandpit and Wendy house so I suppose it's only the bike that could get put away if I had room.
I would get a horse for your garden and also put Christmas decorations up and leave them all year round.

Dear Neighbour,

Thank you for note. As you mention the value of your home, I assume that you are moving. In that case, please let me know when your house is being viewed so I can tidy up - thus speeding you on your departure from the neighbourhood, you pathetic wanker.

Hugs and kisses,

Whale Oil (Mrs)

YANBU BTW

Good idea, SS. Laminate the letter and your reply, stick by gate.

Oh and change your wifi name to 'fuckoffbusybody'.

I love SilentSinger's idea!

You know those little wooden posts people sometimes put up to thank neighbours for funeral flowers?

Something like that with the laminated letter and your reply "To my cowardly neighbour"

"Dear neighbour, feel free to come round and do the garden for me whenever you like, and pop over around dusk every evening to put the toys away, and at about 9am to get them out again. As you can see, my colour scheme for my window dressings are XYZ shades, and the window measurements will be the same as your house or whatever they are and if you let me know when your blind fitter is coming I will endeavor to be home to let them in to fit the new blinds you are buying for us.
If I have misconstrued your letter, and you are not actually offering to do my garden, tidy our toys, and replace my blinds, may I cordially suggest you mind your own business" fuck the fuck off to the far side of fuck and when you get there, fuck off some more

Ooh yes share nicely, maybe a rude Santa / snowman one. They're just so classy

Flaming cheek! Snobby interfering git. Paint your whole house a neon colour and stick a windmill on your roof

Paint "Piss off" on a sheet and hang it out of your upstairs window tomorrow!!

I laughed and laughed at that. It would be funny as fuck if you did that!
Just leave it up for one day.

Fuck off on the blinds is good as well.

When you find out who it is put a copy of "keeping up appearances" through the letterbox with a post it "that's you, that is"

Well you obviously need to make your garden a bit classier.

Can I suggest gnomes, lots and lots of gnomes. You can put them on the toys when the children aren't using them to distract from the council houseyness, because (according to my slightly mad MIL gnomes show you are middle class). And if you have room, add a lovely wishing well, windmill and wheel barrow for the gnomes to pose with.

plant the words "fuck off" in spring bulbs into your front lawn?

I believe that would be meeting them in the middle.

What twattery. Sling a mattress out there for good value tomorrow.