Fucking hell im so upset and downright furious

[WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill]

A letter on a scrap of paper has been sent through my front door. It claims to be from a 'concerned' resident in the close which reads.

'Dear Neighbour,
I write to you out of concern for the value of my home and others in the cul de sac. I have written to yourself and two other residents in the close. Firstly I would like to apologise if this offends you in any way but I feel it needs to be said.
I appreciate that we all live very busy lives but I feel that we owe it to each other to spend a small amount of time on the upkeep of our property. I can only pressume that you did not realize your home looks a mess. I feel concerned for the value of my home and feel we owe it to each other to make an effort to keep our homes looking nice.
Your house reminds me of a poverty stricken council house with toys regularly strewn on your drive and your blinds look a mess. Once again I apologise if this offends you but again I would like to be told if I was upsetting others around me.

Dear Concerned of Cul De Sac,

I want to reassure you that you need not worry for too long about the children's toys being left in the garden.

Children grow up so fast these days, it will be only a short space of time before they will be replaced by their motorbikes and old bangers.

Yours sincerely,

Whale Oil

Oooh you NEED to find out who the other residents are that got the note as well!

The letter sender says she has written to you and two other residents.

Ooh get me! I said it was a she. I did that totally subconciously.

What's up with your blinds? I mean how can blinds be a mess anyway?

So op, have you taken our suggestions on board? You really sounds far too tidy, time you made an effort!
Ps love the spring builds idea :)

Roughly how many houses are there in the close?? Just wondering how realistic it will be to find out who sent it. Its one thing thinking someones house needs attention but to actually write it down and put it through their door. I've enough to be sorting in my own life without worrying about the neighbours.

Flipping heck, they should come and live next door to us. Our garden is like a building yard!
Tell them to piss off, it's your home, it can look the way you want it to!

Mr DP has just suggested an old washing machine or a sofa should be added to your front garden as ornaments.

Also re my previous suggestion, he's reminded me I may have been marked out as being our road's crazy lady for posting my reply to an anonymous leaflet about parking in our road, on our front gate.

Dear Neighbour

I am very concerned for the value of my home too as I am thinking of seeling and have to delcare if we have troublesome neighbours. In light of your letter, I will have not choice but to declare yes.

lol i like beaonseas letter

they would hate to have me as a neighbour, currently in the front garden are two bikes (which will go in the shed overnight) and a ride on tractor with trailer (big john deere thing!) a sand and water table, various footballs, a balance bike and skateboard and probably a few other toys, the boys to be fair to 'park' them all neatly on one side of the garden!

old sofas and a manky washing machine i would see their point, but toys?!!

Yes how can blinds be untidy? Is one of the slats a bit twisted ?
Mmm maybe your lovely neighbour has a point .

I hope you have a mahoosive garden for all our suggestions. Can you post a pic if you manage it?

Bloody cheek!

PMSL at this thread though...

When you indentify the culprit, go round with letter, say.

"OMG I JUST GOT THIS LETTER!!! I saw it had gone to someone else and since your house is as untidy as mine I thought you might have some suggestions about how to address the writer's bare faced cheek!"

I imagine it's a mate playing a practical joke!!! Thanks for ideas will use this on my mate whose house and garden are pristine.

Worra true and funny

Time to burn something, I reckon.

Matress, tyres, 40ft wooden cross... it's up to you really.

God what a knobhead. May I suggest you throw an old pair of trainers over the telephone line and upend a manky settee in the garden

And the nice thing about 'Fuck Off' on the blinds is that you can do it in black tape and take it off as it suits you.

Me, I'd go the whole hog - get an old sofa from a verge somewhere, scatter some car parts around, put fairy lights up in the window, let the grass grow waist-high and cultivate those dandelions. You could scatter some condoms too - blow them up and then let them deflate so that they look used. (possibly putting a little lemon curd in each one?)

Have you got any idea who the other two are?

I would be tempted to photocopy the letter, attatch a shitty reply to it and post it through every house in the close!

I have an old washing machine (that was meant to be picked up a week ago) that you can have . . .

LEMON CURD?!

Some kind of out of reason festive lights would be a nice touch, and one of those stone water features with a little weeing boy.

It's got to b a joke! It's sooooo funny if is but sorry for laughing if not!! Bugger it ha ha ha

stealth I was thinking combined sleaze and disease . Yoghurt would do, but would be less fun.

Oh thank god. Was wondering how to break it to you