Fucking hell im so upset and downright furious

[WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill]

A letter on a scrap of paper has been sent through my front door. It claims to be from a 'concerned' resident in the close which reads.

'Dear Neighbour,
I write to you out of concern for the value of my home and others in the cul de sac. I have written to yourself and two other residents in the close. Firstly I would like to apologise if this offends you in any way but I feel it needs to be said.
I appreciate that we all live very busy lives but I feel that we owe it to each other to spend a small amount of time on the upkeep of our property. I can only pressume that you did not realize your home looks a mess. I feel concerned for the value of my home and feel we owe it to each other to make an effort to keep our homes looking nice.
Your house reminds me of a poverty stricken council house with toys regularly strewn on your drive and your blinds look a mess. Once again I apologise if this offends you but again I would like to be told if I was upsetting others around me.

PMSL @ lemon curd

OP count yourself lucky. If you lived in the States in a reasonably middle class "community" development / estate in suburbia, you would be subject to rules about what colour you could paint your fence, what time washing could be put out ( if at all) , cars must be parked in the garage at all times and not on the street, no playing in front garden etc. All rigourously enforced by the management committee. Brits really have a very easy carry on . the above sounds extreme, but it leads to tidy, if sterile , neighbourhoods. have a little thought for your neighbours though - it doesn't take much to bring an area "down".

Smear your windows with dirt, then she won't see the state of the blinds.

Ooh, and give the kids a big tub of pavement chalk.

What part of the country are you in OP?

I was wondering whether Jodrell Bank could lend you their satellite dish for your roof

Tarting up the place sounds like fun too! As suggested by others this must include lots of gnomes, the tackiest wishing well and windmills you can find, gaudy christmas decorations and flowers planted to spell fuck off.

I like the old toilet idea. Plant geraniums in it

How about a life sized cardboard cut out of Katie Price in the front garden?

You know....to cover the toys.

See OP, no need to be upset! Think of the fun you can have!

Love the 'fuck off' blinds! My garden currently contains 3 broken chairs, what I think is a deer skull, a really ugly plastic chicken and a council bin all left by the previous tenant - ideas?

Buy some of those "hilarious" fake turds and place them down the front path.

Good idea Worra! Except the cardboard cut-out Katie Price would get a bit soggy from the rain if left in the front garden. Perhaps she would be better placed in the window to cover the blinds. You could have a different cut-out in each window.

inconsiderate neighbours leaving junk around does bring an area down though, the OP needs to think about their mess.

You could make that lot into a little tea party Belmo.

How about one of these just to up the tone a bit?

How are toys junk? Maybe to a sad interfering souless fecker they are. Is it you sending these letters Theinet?

This thread is hilarious. Sorry whale not the situation but the replies. I even a little at lemon curd!

Surely you need to teather a goat in the your front garden.

Leave rubbish in bags

Hang yellow nets nap hardly in your window.

Ooooo snotty snotty cowardly cow of a neighbour.

The irony is that I think when you move house you have to declare whether you have had issues or disputes with neighbours (I think if you fail to declare this and something comes to light, the buyer has some right to maike a claim against you) - so she is managing to bring her property price down all on her own!

Just had another thought! Stick up the note with your reply as follows.

Dear neighbour,

You seem very concerned about the value of your property. Does this mean you are planning to move? If so - hooray!!!

If you need any help packing, let us know.

Yours

Whale Oil

I was thinking an ancient caravan parked in the front garden with an old sofa outside would be another good touch, But I'm loving the gnomes and bulbs idea. Also getting your OH to sunbathe in the front garden wearing Y fronts and swigging from a can of special brew whilst sitting on the afore mentioned sofa.

It's really pathetic isn't it? I think it's the lowest of the low to do something like that. Snobbish and cowardly!

It's not like you've got two mattresses and a burnt out car in your drive is it? It's blinds not to their taste and a few toys.

I would most definitely photocopy this letter and hand deliver it round your close with something attached saying:

This is a copy of the letter posted through my door on such a date.
I am posting it through each door to every neighbour, so that the writer can see my response, as they obviously believe it is best to deal with any issues they may have anonymously, not face to face like reasonable adults.

I am very sorry your delicate sensibilites being upset by my blinds and toys on the drive. I will endeavour to hide the toys away from your vision lest they affect the house prices round here and shudder make you think you are living on a council estate with poor people.
However may i suggest that sometimes it might be wise to think of some of the truly awful things happening around the world right now and politlet GET A GRIP.

Or words to that affect.

DH likes to make Christmas decorations . The last one he made looks like an abandoned TV when it's switched off and hums fucking constantly when it's switched on; any good to you?

Our fuckwit neighbours told us that the children's bunk beds in the windows were putting their prospective buyers off!

Yanbu and it would bring out the devil in me!