Fucking hell im so upset and downright furious

[WhaleOilBeefHookedIWill]

A letter on a scrap of paper has been sent through my front door. It claims to be from a 'concerned' resident in the close which reads.

'Dear Neighbour,
I write to you out of concern for the value of my home and others in the cul de sac. I have written to yourself and two other residents in the close. Firstly I would like to apologise if this offends you in any way but I feel it needs to be said.
I appreciate that we all live very busy lives but I feel that we owe it to each other to spend a small amount of time on the upkeep of our property. I can only pressume that you did not realize your home looks a mess. I feel concerned for the value of my home and feel we owe it to each other to make an effort to keep our homes looking nice.
Your house reminds me of a poverty stricken council house with toys regularly strewn on your drive and your blinds look a mess. Once again I apologise if this offends you but again I would like to be told if I was upsetting others around me.

Obv not with those spelling mistakes, like.

I'll be expecting one of those letters then. my DC's like nothing better than to start at the garage with a tub of chalk and draw allllll the way down the drive to the edge of the pavement!
Our drive has a upwards slope so the neighbours get a lovely view of their handiwork!!

Put Pumpsters DCs bunk beds in the garden, win win.

How on earth can bunk beds be off putting?

Poundworld have some lovely garden ornaments in at the moment.

It actually does sound like a joke, the "poverty-stricken council house" bit gives it away. Surely?

Does anyone have teenage children in your close?

Don't rise to the bait - ignore it. Remember that correspondence between neighbours needs to be declared if you sell your house.

Actually, I just thought of something better. Take down the blind and hang a stained faded old duvet cover over the window. Make sure it's hanging on net curtain wire and sags in the middle.

Then, stick a reply on the gate saying you've replaced the blind as requested and hope the matter is resolved, much love.

Remember the fucksnails? Time for fuckcats I think....

Oops we did have a dead washing machine in our garden for several years and there's a plastic seesaw no ones fitted for 6 years and a dead shed.

Report the receipt of an anonymous letter to the police?

We left a toilet in our front garden recently, was taking it to the tip, someone took it.

Love the gnomes idea

Dear Neighbours,

Somebody has upset me, you will know who it is who upset me. I have included some paint samples for you to consider (thinking bright green, bright pink, yellow etc)

Love your Neighbour!

When u find out who it is, mysteriously paint their door! after all, u were thinking of the value of their property.....

Someone pinched your toilet lostboys ?

They must have been desperate...boom boom.

Sorry, I'll get me coat.

PLEASE!!!!! Put a skanky old mattress in your front garden and put a sign on it reading "summer bedding", you'll make my day! :)

a topiary in the shape of a penis..surrounded by worshipping gnomes

This turned into a funny thread !

I have an old mattress I could let you have for your garden, OP

Complete with stains

I do believe a guy was on the news due to penis topiary...beat his record...you know you want to!!

How dare this person concern herself with how you maintain your home. You pay the rent/morgage. You can do what you like in your house! Ignore this absolute rubbish that has come through your door.

And I say herself because I feel it would more likely be a woman to send a note like that, however I could be wrong.

OMFG - What a cheek!!

I think you should respond with the letter as per Pombears suggestion.

BUT ALSO

its 2012. Year of the Olympics, Golden Jubilee and the European Cup (footie).

I think you need to get really patriotic and find the naffest tackiest chavvy decorations you can and put them up in the front garden, front of your house and in the windows. Win the neighbours over by inviting all the kids in your cul de sac to help decorate.

Also build an ugly naff scarecrow with the kids for the front garden. Something loud, vile and in bad taste. If you make it out of carboard (painted with neon) it will look particuarly shite when it rains and becomes a limp pulp!!

*Diamond Jubilee - not Golden whoops!

I think a wishing well would look nice.
I think also a tittle tinkly fountain and a statue of a crying clown.
Maybe holding a union jack. Pushing a wheelbarrow with a little sad dog in it.

I'm actually crying reading this, at work..

It is rude but do they have a point?
The neighbour next door never does their garden, it's a right mess and we are thinking of putting out property up for sale.

I'm not perfect, don't have time to do garden every day etc but I think they could manage an hour or so every now and again. It de values my house.

I think perhaps you should put in a new path. Either one that wiggles its way up to your door, with two circular flowerbeds next to it, either side, at the gate; or perhaps two paths that are joined at the gate, one going straight to the door and the other going straight somewhere else, giving a pleasing V effect when viewed from an upper window.

I did also think of putting something rude on your blinds.

What I would ACTUALLY do is photocopy their letter, blow it up to enormous size, correct it in red pen and then stick it up in your front window with a comment about grammar and spelling being generally more important in life than a tidy garden.