Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2012 20:09

So it is Line. Smile

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 20:10

he got his (massive) penis out & wiggled it in my face

I just did a bit of sick in my mouth

2ombie5layer · 24/04/2012 20:10

Some women want to because of the money.

Id be tempted if I was a bit nicer to look at had more confidence.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 20:10

I'm sure there are many reasons why women want to sell their bodies Freudian and not all of them good reasons.

But that's still no reason to ban them from doing so in my eyes.

Anyone doing that, is just as controlling as some of the vile pimps who actually force women to sell themselves.

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 20:13

But aussie surely you must see that if you're not going to take the same stance with other indistries that your argument sinks? You show yourself to be picking and choosing what to get outraged about and expecting others to follow suit based on your set of standards.

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 20:15

Worra They wouldn't be unable to do so. There are other options, and presumably nobody can control a women running a discreet operation from her own home or in a hotel. What we can control is other people, predominantly men, making profits from exploiting other women's bodies.

It would be a negligible amount, because there is information showing that the number of sex workers increases when in areas where there are recessions, famine, civil wars and other poor economic conditions. Prostitution flourishes in hard times because it is the last, desperate option for vulnerable people.

You are setting up a false dichotomy: the alternative to our current situation is not mandating what women do with their bodies. It is eliminating the confounding factors and ensuring that nobody else profits from what a woman chooses to do sexually.

LineRunner · 24/04/2012 20:15

I have just posted on the Relationships thread to ask the OP which is her preferred thread, as I would like to contribute.

The Relationships thread (same original post) has 17 posts, so is not as active as this thread.

2ombie5layer · 24/04/2012 20:18

Line I think a lot of people hide the relationships thread as trolls go there a lot so that might account for more people being on AIBU thread. Also lots of people only go to their prefered topic rather than active (it took me over 2 years to click active)

Whatmeworry · 24/04/2012 20:18

YABU - It was a stag night, thats what they are for, and you're not even married yet,it's a one off, he's contrite. This is small stuff, don't sweat it unless it happens again and again.

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 20:19

Autumn, open a debate about another industry and I'll post in the relevant thread. Be sure to pick an industry which:

  • is known to cause an increase in societal & domestic violence
  • we would prefer not to work in ourselves, nor would be encourage our daughters, sisters and partners
  • has no net benefit to society (so no useful tangible product, sex shouldn't be a product)
  • is known to include a significant percentage of vulnerable people
  • is known to include a significant number of trafficking victims
  • is inherently damaging to one gender far more than the other
  • promotes attitudes which objectify and damage women
LineRunner · 24/04/2012 20:25

Hi OP, my view is that I would be as pissed off as you are. I would be as shocked as you were, and as shattered about the (apparent) mismatch of values.

As it happens, stuff like this has happened to me; and the relationship didn't really recover. Weirdly, I think I ended up trying harder than he did to 'make it work'.

I'm sorry; and I think these clubs are destructive on many levels.

FreudianSlipper · 24/04/2012 20:27

what protecting vulnerable women (the vast majority are) is in your eyes the same as pimps who beat and rape the women who(are often forced) to work for them
that is a very odd opinion to have

i do not believe it will stop prostitution totally but it might help save many who have had little choice, who think it is a glamorous occupation or an easy way to make money and then find it very hard to get out of

if you look up the women who are prostitutes who have been raped whole working (many more than once), who were sexually abused when they were children, who have been beaten by their pimps, who have been beaten by clients and who have drug problems why would this be an industry anyone would want to fight for, it can never be an ok industry because it is trading in humans

Original poster
reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 20:30

WorriedBetty I was worried that being honest about my feelings with him would result in him hiding things from me in the future however I felt that he had been honest with me so I should be honest back.

Also I didn't MAKE him cry. He's a big boy and his own guilt was quite enough to that by itself. That and the fact that I was genuinely let down and hurt was upsetting enough to provoke his tears. I think that enough to make anyone you love cry isn't it?

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 24/04/2012 20:33

It's illegal to sell your own body parts, kidneys for example, in order to prevent people being exploited when desperate, and dodgy dealings.

Do you have a problem with that, seeing as some people might want to sell their body parts because of altruistic reasons or a passion for medical science, and they are prevented from doing so?

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 20:33

Aussie your last post to me illustrates the point I made earlier that the feminist position discounts other abuses as being less relevant because they don't reflect the abuses in the sex industry exactly. Other industries not conspiring in the exact same abuses as the same as those within the sex industry does not hold up to me as a reason to boycott one but not the other.

BertieBotts · 24/04/2012 20:34

Oops, sorry - that was to the poster who argued banning lapdancing would take away women's right to their own bodies.

LineRunner · 24/04/2012 20:38

I've always found that feminism pays due regard to human rights across the board.

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 20:39

Bertie, if that person has no underlying ohysical condition that could cause extreme altuism then why would I take issue with it. as far as I'm aware it;s illegal to sell body parts to stop people from kidnapping and killing others to sell them, not to prevent someone from doing good.

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 20:40

Autumn: Not less relevant, but different. Other industries have different issues specific to them. So I am happy to talk about them in a dedicated thread if you find them interesting and want to discuss something.

I brought up those points because you seem to insist on comparing other industries to the sex industry, without seeing that they are different beasts in many key ways. I would argue that the sex industry causes more damage than many others, and that doesn't prevent me from acknowledging that there are other issues also worthy of attention. I'm not closed to discussing other industries, but this thread isn't the place.

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 20:40

*physical

LineRunner · 24/04/2012 20:43

It's illegal to sell body tissues to stop people from being exploited.

wheresthepopcorn · 24/04/2012 20:44

Fact: Men like looking at naked women. That is not going to change. I do think those private lapdances are pretty grimm though. Yes, they wear knickers but they can also take them down. OP would you ever go to lapdance club with him? Is the reason you're upset because he went or because he went with his friends?

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 20:46

aussie I've been told that my argument isn't relevant to the sex industry on many threads before. But the hypocracy in not paying the same level of attention to abuse in all industry is the very reason I cannot get onboard the anti-porn train so how I can I not see it as relevant to threads like this? I keep gettung people to try to peruade me taht it's not hypocritical and all I get told is to start new threads. When the issues are inextricably linked to me and are a large part of the reason that I won't support a boycott on porn then how can I?

MissCeliaFoote · 24/04/2012 20:47

OP: I think there's a line between going into a club 'because all the lads are' on a one-off thing, and actually having a one-off dance. I mean I wouldn't be happy with my boyfriend going to a lap-dancing club every week, but on a stag do I'd be OK with it EVEN THOUGH I am a feminist - I accept we have our differences and he would probably want to go along with the crowd. I think you're absolutely right to be very upset and pissed off with him having a private dance though, it's horrible. I'd be upset too, but I would also in your situation forgive my partner.

thebody · 24/04/2012 20:52

'I would class it as cheating' don't be so daft, cheating is cheating, he didn't, he had a lap dance, it was a stag do, he told u, he said sorry.

For gods same if u make so much out if this silly incident you won't survive the rough and rumble of a long relationship.

We all fuck up, he was honest, forgive, forget.
Move on.

Swipe left for the next trending thread