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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
Debeez · 24/04/2012 21:04

I think this type of thing depends on your relationship. Not in the clear good/bad/jealous way but in the silently agreed boundaries agreed between you both. From your post I gathered you surprised yourself at how bad you felt, I think your DP surprised himself too. He thought he wouldn't feel bad and given how long you've been together thought the same as your prior to this, that you wouldn't be bothered.

YANBU to be upset, but your DP is upset to, and hurting just as much as you from what you've said. Given he came and told you everything when really there was no need (guys and their what goes on tour etc) show's he's a great guy, he made a mistake.

Lapdancers seem to have a bit of glamour on tv and films, once you've PAID a woman to dance for you, a woman who wouldn't look twice if he wasn't paying and whom he wouldn't look at if she wasn't so available, you see it for the cheap act it is.

Sorry to ramble but you sound so upset as does your husband. :( I hope you do work things out, he sounds lovely.

MissCeliaFoote · 24/04/2012 21:08

I think Debeez has some great advice there.

Idocrazythings · 24/04/2012 21:10

Personally, putting all obvious feminist issues aside (and I'm not saying they're not important); I do not think it is that big a deal. It would be different if he was going all the time, and getting turned on. But he didn't, it was a stag night, he probably got a bit caught up in the "pack mentality" that often happens on boys nights out and just went along with it. He told you about it too. I think unless a guy is a "pervert" they probably find the whole thing a bit embarrassing (mine does). I'd be more upset (actually furious) if he was dirty dancing with some random girl in a pub or club. Don't let it spoil what sounds like a lovely relationship, good men can be hard to find.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 21:12

what protecting vulnerable women (the vast majority are) is in your eyes the same as pimps who beat and rape the women who(are often forced) to work for them
that is a very odd opinion to have

What I'm saying is anyone wishing to ban women from selling their bodies for lapdancing or sex, is just as controlling as the men who force them to.

Both would be forcing someone to do something they're not happy about when it comes to their own body.

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 21:19

Oh, Worral. You took endless shit. Seriously.

MagsAloof · 24/04/2012 21:19

talk

damn autocorrect

FreudianSlipper · 24/04/2012 21:27

one is forcing women with intimidation and violence

the other is to protect women. like others have said those that really get enjoyment from selling their bodies will find a way

some countries are trying to battle against the sex industry, they may not always get it right (lots of pros and cons to what is happening in sweden) but they are trying we are turning a blind eye and the worse thing is books and films making it look so glamorous like belle de jour (that quite a few prostitutes have spoken out and claim is a work of fiction, a fantasy)

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 21:29

That's not a very mature way to debate anything on a discussion board Mags

I disagree with quite a few people on this thread but I understand that everyone has their own opinions.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 21:31

Freudian

Why should they have to find a way to sell their bodies illegally?

What if they don't want to be 'protected' from selling themselves?

Can you really not see that forcing someone to sell their body and forcing them not to sell their body of their own free will, is wrong?

Our bodies are our own and no-one has the right imo to force us into or out of things.

GreenEyesAndHam · 24/04/2012 21:34

I know the thread has moved on but can I just say...

the Dreamboys??

Is it still 1995 where you are? Confused

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2012 21:38

It's this lot now Green. Sad

GreenEyesAndHam · 24/04/2012 21:40

Farking Nora Sad

Not a pube nor chest hair between em

fallenangle · 24/04/2012 21:42

If he hadn't told you, and so you didn't know, then would everything be ok? If you are looking for a partner who doesn't ever make a mistake you will be looking for a long, long time. The fact that he told you says a lot.

BarredfromhavingStella · 24/04/2012 21:45

Hi, my DH went to Spearmint Rhino on his stag do which didn't bother me at all, however, he had a private dance which upset me so much I was just about ready to cancel the wedding (private dance was a completely naked dance-no knickers) his ONLY saving grace was that he didn't pay for it, his friends did which some people may find strange but made all the difference to me.

FreudianSlipper · 24/04/2012 22:00

because the selling of bodies, of sex should never be legal it is just wrong how can it ever be seen as right as it can never be a safe industry that women will not be exploited in it is so full of dangers both physically and emotionally

the few that want to sell their body through no need just pure desire will do so but how many women are we talking about such a small number. yet by allowing women to sell themselves for sex thousands are exploited, raped, abused, beaten every year i think trying to protect those women far outweighs the desire so few
men control the sex industry and women get exploited how can that be supported

carernotasaint · 24/04/2012 22:08

Barred why on earth did his "friends" do that.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 22:10

We'll have to agree to disagree then FS because I truly believe that even a small number of women should not be controlled in that way.

fallenangle · 24/04/2012 22:17

I think your thread has been hijacked op. Your DP and the stags were not considering feminist issues when they went to a lap dancing club. Yes they should have been, but you have a lifetime to educate him.

Charbon · 24/04/2012 22:22

What always amazes me on this thread is some posters' woefully poor knowledge of social history. They write as though it would be an alarming and dangerous precedent for society to ban something that is harmful, even if some of the people earning their money from it give the appearance of making a free choice. Free societies have been doing this for years and fortunately our society is waking up to the misery created by LDCs, which is why councils introduced new legislation 3 years ago that is allowing us to close down these cesspits. I feel very sorry for the citizens of other countries that have to bear the brunt of drunken misogynists invading their space to buy sexual titillation.

I dislike OPs having two threads on the go at once about the same issue and AIBU is about the worst place to get relationship advice which is what you seemed to be after OP. But I said on the other thread that what some people forget is that it wasn't always the case that a stag night involved men paying for sexual titillation by women. This has been a phenomenon that has been normalised and blithely accepted by society only during the last 15-20 years. It's retrograde in that it normalises men paying for sexual services.

I'm therefore stunned by some of the ridiculous bargains women make for men's behaviour. E.g. 'it's okay if he doesn't have a private dance', 'I don't mind if it's a stag night', 'what is he supposed to do, say no to his mates?'

ReactionaryFish · 24/04/2012 22:23

I'm always bemused by people who say that paying for a lapdance isn't cheating. Erm, you're paying to be sexually stimulated by the close physical proximity of another woman who is naked or nearly so. It's not full sex, but it's not exactly out of the ballpark. Amazing how effective male propaganda has been in convincing some gullible women that this ain't so.
Whether you can forgive it is entirely a matter for you. I suspect you probably need to give it a bit of time. These things aren't always rational. For myself, I think I'd think I'd just think fuck off, I don't need a man that badly, I can't be arsed with you. but we're all different.

ReactionaryFish · 24/04/2012 22:24

"I think I'd think I'd just think"? What the fucking fuck?
You know what I mean

Charbon · 24/04/2012 22:26

I agree Reactionary. Posters write as though men have no choice other than to visit one of these places on a stag night. Women's gullibility and acceptance of this propaganda is astonishing.

Beachcomber · 24/04/2012 22:30

Right WorraLiberty - you wish to defend the rape, abuse, exploitation and trafficking of the vast majority of women and children in prostitution so that a tiny minority of happy hookers are not controlled. I suggest you read this in order to see what you are defending.

Anyway the nordic models don't make it illegal to sell sex. I do not wish to hijack this thread so I will not post on this again.

ReactionaryFish · 24/04/2012 22:31

yet if a bloke had, say a quick snog and a grope in a nightclub for free they'd be up in arms. i don;t get it. how does paying for a sexual thrill make it more acceptable? Surely it;'s worse? we can all fall prey to drunken error from time to time (ahem Blush) but hiring a woman's body for a one-sided sexual transaction is quite another matter

Whatmeworry · 24/04/2012 22:33

What always amazes me on this thread is some posters' woefully poor knowledge of social history. They write as though it would be an alarming and dangerous precedent for society to ban something that is harmful, even if some of the people earning their money from it give the appearance of making a free choice

Actually,I suspect they do know their social history. If you ban something people like to do, they still do it, its just that criminals move in to run it.

I'm always bemused by people who say that paying for a lapdance isn't cheating. Erm, you're paying to be sexually stimulated by the close physical proximity of another woman who is naked or nearly so.

No more beach holidays for us then.....

You have to differentiate or it just gets daft - if you start calling everything that involves being aroused by a woman "cheating", then where does it stop?

Ah yes, Puritanism and covering up the legs of tables. That didn't last either you know.

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