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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 19:52

*sure that

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 19:52

Why did you chose to get married after so many years and why are you waiting so long to do it now?

I'm glad the OP neglected to warrant this with a response.

OP you sound really balanced. I think you will work it out and be all the stronger for it.

SigmundFraude · 24/04/2012 19:53

'If he's sincere, next time his mates propose going to a lap dancing club, he'll say no, because he's learnt a valuable lesson.'

And what lesson is that? Don't upset your wife to be otherwise she'll emotionally blackmail you into acquiescence?

He wasn't actually unfaithful you know. He had a lap dance. He wasn't touched.

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 19:53

To be fair Sparkling AIBU is a place where people are envouraged to voice feelings that differ from the OP and lots of people don't really bear that in mind when posting here instead of relationships / chat etc.

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 19:53

Worra, you're setting up the question wrong. There's no need to set up a society mandating what a woman does with her body.

But it would be nice to remove the confounding issues that coerce many women into the sex industry.

So viable jobs that pay a living wage. Flexible hours to support parents with young children. Affordable childcare, recognising that many parents would prefer to stay active in their career and that a little temporary support can have large economic gains for them and for wider society. A culture where it's not socially acceptable for men to objectify women's bodies in an attempt to make women uncomfortable and to assert their 'masculinity'. A culture in where it is not ok for one person to profit from exploiting someone else's body in an intimate, sexual way.

Make headway on those issues, and see how many women are left in the sex industry.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 19:56

Autumn we do tend to think alike...that saves me a lot of typing

aussie I'm not 'setting' anything up.

I'm simply saying I think if a woman wants to sell her own body for whatever reason she chooses...even if it was purely pleasure because she was a millionaire...no-one has the right to tell her what to do with her own body.

FreudianSlipper · 24/04/2012 19:56

yes i would like to see a society that women do not sell their bodies for money becasue she is not ion controlits the customers choice

women who wants to explore her sexuality within performance/dance/art is different she is in control a women who sells her body to a man so he can get a kick out of paying her to do so is not (even if she puts limitations on it herself)

Original poster

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 19:56

nothingoldcanstay - nothing sinister there. I guess we were just a bit lazy. We have hectic careers, live the typical "London" life of believing we wer're still in our 20's when when we are in fact in our 30's. He did say when we got engaged that he felt a bit stupid for not asking sooner.

OP posts:

Sparklingbrook · 24/04/2012 19:56

That's true Autumn. Unfortunately AIBU is seen as the bunfight thread for good reason. If this had been posted in 'Relationships' it would have been completely different.

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 19:57

But it would be nice to remove the confounding issues that coerce many women into the sex industry.

This I support 100%. But I also apply that support in equal to other industries too, by choosing suppliers and manufacturers with the best care that I can.

Original poster

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 19:57

ViviPru Sorry - couldn't let that one go ;)

OP posts:

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 19:57

Worra :)

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 19:59

What if she gets a sexual kick out of selling her body?

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 20:00

OP He could be sincere and not do it again.

Or he could be paying lip service to your (justifiable) outrage, just like he paid lip service to respecting women before he went and did this.

You won't know.

One day, some time later, you might find out he's done it again. Just one look at the relationships forum and you can find scores of women whose unhappy marriages began with a situation like the one you're in now. Their partners did it once and were forgiven, so it wasn't a huge leap to do it again.

If it's hard to get past this now, how would it be years down the line when you had kids, were married or were tied down in other ways?

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 20:01

Ha no worries OP. It's the same story here (albeit in rural Leicestershire) so I get where you're coming from (8.5 years FFS. A girl could die of waiting)

So what's on the agenda for Mr. Martini's stag do?

ViviPru · 24/04/2012 20:02

(assuming there's still to be a wedding )

Willowisp · 24/04/2012 20:02

I had a stripper arranged for my hen night, he got his (massive) penis out & wiggled it in my face..I have to say it was gross. I cant remember if I told Dh to be or not....the point is, it wasn't sexy, I've never had the urge to have an experience like that & I don't think it's that big a deal.m

Your fiancé is obviously very upset, but it's really not the end of the world.n

And as far as not telling the other wives, why ever not ? Have them round & have a giggle about it instead of hiding it away, where it's likely to ferment & really do damage.

PS I don't get all the hysterical banshees screaming about deal breakers ?! (don't explain, I'm off to get chocolate...)

scottishmummy · 24/04/2012 20:03

thats idle speculation and alarmist mind yer back as if hes done it once he will do it again
you have absolutely no idea whether any of that will happen
but it suits you to imagine and tell op a catastrophic breakdown?
why

picnicbasketcase · 24/04/2012 20:03

I would definitely not be happy about it but I would like to think I could get over it eventually. I don't think it would be a deal breaker for me. He does sound like he deeply regrets being so daft.

signet2012 · 24/04/2012 20:04

Op you know your DP and you know your self.

I personally don't have an issue with DP going in any building, pub, lap dancing club whatever. I expect him to behave in a respectful way towards any woman

I have an issue with the bigger picture of the wheres and whatfors. I would be FURIOUS if he paid OUR money in a lap dancing club. DP finds the full scene quite sad and has been in a few when out on stags during our relationship but doesn't get much enjoyment from it.

I have no issue with this and he is open and honest with me about where he has been. IF your DP feels as bad about this as he makes out he does and you obviously feel bad about the full thing maybe a chat about boundaries and what you have both learnt from the experience would be of benefit.

If you cant carry on and its a deal breaker then that's fine too. Only you know.

Hope you feel a bit better soon

LineRunner · 24/04/2012 20:04

Actually, this has been posted in relationships.

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 20:05

Worra - address the other factors and then see how many women are left getting a kick out of selling their bodies. It will be a negligible amount.

It's disappointing that so many people can't see how the sex industry is generally damaging to the majority of women, both those who work in and those in wider society.

It's unhelpful to shut down discussions regarding strip clubs because there are other issues that are also important, and other industries which exploit people.

It's not hypocritical to recognise that some industries are more damaging and more pressing. I would rather make an effort in something than nothing, so I care about the harmful sex industry. It doesn't exclude me from caring about other problems.

AutumnSummers · 24/04/2012 20:05

thats idle speculation and alarmist mind yer back as if hes done it once he will do it again

Indeed.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 20:08

Worra - address the other factors and then see how many women are left getting a kick out of selling their bodies. It will be a negligible amount

You don't know it will be a negligible amount aussie

And even if it was a negligible amount...that would still leave the small amount of women who want to sell their bodies, unable to do so.

Is that what you want? A world where women have no rights over their own bodies?

FreudianSlipper · 24/04/2012 20:08

i think it would be more important to look at the reasons why some woman want to sell their body rather than its their right too

what is going in there for her to get this kick

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