LAPDANCE

[reeniemartini]

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

aussiecita believe it or not some women are strong enough to know their own minds and actually want to dance with little clothing on for a fairly good wage.

Well maybe 'freak out' is a bit extreme Worra, but to the untrained eye, Mumsnet is for Mums, or people contemplating being a Mum in the near future. Until very recently, I think he would panic if he thought I fell into the latter camp (I certainly don't fall into the former - well not last time I checked)

Better cross your legs when you log in Vivi

Oh my DP would be freaked out too, we don't have children and he doesn't want any the next few years. I landed here working with kids and liked it enough to stay, but he doesn't have to know ;)

For the people who plug the happy stripper myth: your anecdotal evidence doesn't hold weight since your 'friend' is not representative of the women in the sex industry as a whole.

The plural of anecdote is not data. If you cared to read some academic papers, you could get a clearer idea of the unsavoury conditions for many women who have been coerced or forced into the industry.

I think it's fine to be paid for sexual favours if that's what you CHOOSE to do with you OWN body.

OP I would also be upset but your OH sounds lovely and this is not worth chucking away an otherwise happy relationship over, you'll work through this and be stronger because of it.

Not a lap dance! Dear God, heavens and saints preserve us! I suggest you drag him by his testicles to the club and insist he stands outside with a placard stating his eternal shame and utter male wrongness.

@WorraLiberty - I think the difference is that the lapdancing and prostitution industries have no benefit for anyone and are both a cause and effect of the misogyny towards, and sexualisation of, all women.

aussie The positives are wages. As for more men in porn? Supply and demand.

As to why I don't want in? Simple answer? I haven't the body for it and never have had! I also have a disability that would make it very difficult to get work. That also applies to general acting and musical jobs as well.

But I have no problem in the world with someone who wants to make money off of THEIR bodies doing so for a fair wage.

As to what you are saying about how people's decisions are influenced. Does that not hold tue for every single job that people take? there are always extenuating circumstances and influential factors, are there not?

For the people who plug the happy stripper myth: your anecdotal evidence doesn't hold weight since your 'friend' is not representative of the women in the sex industry as a whole

And nor is your opinion.

Do you know no-one was abused making the parts for the computer/phone/Ipad you're typing on?

The last bar of chocolate you ate...was anyone crippled by the chemicals while picking the coco beans?

Your handbag and shoes...did small children play any part at all in putting them together...having been forced to work a 12 hour day in cramped conditions for peanuts?

This is the thing about many industries.

Some people are abused within them and some are treated very well and are more than delighted to make a living out of them.

forgetting how many women are or not abused within this industry surely teh society we want to head for is one where womens bodies are not sold to provide sexual pleasure for the customer

we may never totally get rid of the sex industry but we can do our best to not make it something that is not seen as an ok industry to be, an ok thing for men to do on a night out, an ok thing for a young woman to make some extra money on the side

really how many of us would be happy hearing their dad was a regular at these clubs or that their daughter worked in one

Chocolate is actually a particularly nasty industry with MOST chocolate tainted by slavery. Doesn't make the sex industry any better, though.

scrapping the bottom of the cliché barrel
the plural of anecdote is not data

yes and your subjective opinion is not a universal given

you might want to say
will get the pop corn...
that's another mn oft used cliché

Worra that's exactly my point. If people are going to decry a whole industry because of abuse in some parts of it but don't apply the same passion for the rights of others to not be abused in other industries by boycotting them too then that whole argument just loses weight with me.

It's hardly uncommon for men to go out on a stag do, get drunk, go to a lap dancing club, spend money on a woman.

It is more uncommon for a man to feel bad about it, confess to his missis, apologise, and state that it felt like cheating and he's really unhappy about it.

On that basis, he sounds like a good guy. He made a mistake, under peer pressure.

If he's sincere, next time his mates propose going to a lap dancing club, he'll say no, because he's learnt a valuable lesson. And that will be a man worth keeeping.

reeniemartini - are you sure this isn't more to do with the length of time you have been dating and then engaged to your DP. It's a long time and I think it's understandable that maybe you are either looking for an out or feeling insecure.

Why did you chose to get married after so many years and why are you waiting so long to do it now?

I am sure the OP is finding all this very helpful.

forgetting how many women are or not abused within this industry surely teh society we want to head for is one where womens bodies are not sold to provide sexual pleasure for the customer

Really?

You want to head for a society where a woman is forbidden to do what she wants with her own body?

It's not a society I'd like to be a part of.

Don't get me wrong, I can see how some young women may think it's a wonderful industry to get into...and then find out they hate it.

But equally, while there are women out there who do enjoy selling themselves...whether that's by way of wiggling over a man's lap or having full on sex...they should be perfectly entitled to do so.

I wouldn't dare tell anyone what they should or shouldn't do with their own body.

Sparkling the OP has previously indicated that her situation is resolved. Given that debates spawn out of conversation, is there any reason NOT to carry on? I would see your point if the OP was still in turmoil over this but the conversation seems to have moved on. What's wrong with that?

littlemslazybones and ApocalypseThen - i think you may have hit the nail on the head. I think its a lot much about ME learning what my own boundaries are. You're right, it does feel like a little piece of me has died. I thought he had a lot more respect for women than that. The blow is, he has always come across as a bit of a feminist, very aware of women's issues and a wide reader of a lot of feminist literature. THAT'S where a lot of the disappointment has come from I think. The fact that he could be educated about it yet not give a shit enough to not take part in the exploitation. I guess it's all just lip service after a few drinks with the lads though isn't it?

vivipru - I thought I could trust good judgement.....maybe it's best to make yourself clear.

Mrbojangles1 - wasn't a private dance - I think that would be a lot worse to deal with. He said he was drunkenly caught in the moment and thought - what would it be like? Turns out he thought it was not very pleasant. I said I was worried about what would happen if he found paying some semi-naked women £20 to gyrate on him for 3mins to be a turn on? Would he have done it again?

neverquitesure : i never explicity said I was ok with it but I've always approached conversations about that stuff with an eye rolling, you'd have to be a complete sad/seedy/stereotype to do that kind of attitiude.

For those that think I am putting strangers views on the internet above my own feelings - sorry no. Part of the problem is that I don't feel I have anyone to sound off to about this. I am too ashamed of his behaviour to tell my friends or my family. that's another reason to be angry - why the hell should I be ashamed!! They would be as shocked as I was. The last thing I want is people thinking "poor reeniemartini her DP has done this, I would never allow it/ what a shit/ isn't she stupid for leaving him/marrying him etc

On a slightly different note i want him to tell the other "lads" that he told me. I am good friends with their wives and I have no intention of telling them - I don't feel that that's my business. However I want them to know that I know. I want them to realise he isn't part of their little lads conspiracy and they may think that it was all a laugh but I was hurt in the process and even though their wives don't know - that's probably what their actions would do to them too.
SHIT - I'm cross

Again, Worra is spot on. I'm suretaht most of the very same anti-porn debators are pro-choice. I can't help but smell more hypocracy there.

I hope the OP is OK and will do what is right for her.

Were you addressing me, scottishmummy? Has that jugular vein not broke free from your neck and strangled you yet?

I just sometimes think it deters people from asking for advice when threads get like this Autumn.