LAPDANCE

[reeniemartini]

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

Local Authorities setting a 'nil cap' on Sexual Entertainment Venues in their areas are not being legally overturned, because (I believe) SEVs are considered in law to be very different from smoking fags.

Nothing "adult" about such wilful refusal to acknowledge what lapdancing is all about, worraliberty; as if the fact that women freely choose it (which I've no doubt most do) had anything to do with the points at issue at all!
The fact is that lapdancing exists to provide men with a certain kind of sexual encounter. if a woman says that she has no wish to engage with a partner who seeks sexual encounters outside the relationship, that is her right and is a perfectly rational response. most men - most people - in our culture prefer fidelity in their partners.

The sex industry has been around for thousands of years.
It will always be around.
It is not necessarily a bad thing - psychopaths and sociopaths permeate every industry.
My husband had a ' dance ' at a stag do.
He is a wonderful father and husband.
I think there is a need for perspective on these matters.
There is no way I would have considered throwing all that away for the sake of a lap dance.

ReactionaryFish finally we agree with each other then!

Your own post 23.05 is what I've been trying to say.

The only other thing I've been trying to say is that I don't believe in the repression of women....so if they want to gyrate for money or have sex for money and are truly happy to do so...they should be allowed to get on with it.

ReactionaryFish why do you keep talking about women MEN dance to but you can't answer that because it don't fit you strange view

It seems as if your saying it's fine for men to dance for money but not for women

Sexist if ever I heard it

Whatmeworry you are uninformed because you cannot provide evidence of any increase in criminal activity that has sprung up within societies that have banned lapdancing clubs. Likewise the opponents to the Swedish model can find no evidence of increased criminal activity either since they banned the purchase of sex 13 years ago. Yet you are advancing the flawed argument that banning something leads to increased crime. You are factually incorrect, that's all.

I do not know of any Sexual Entertainment Venues where men dance for women.

The Chippendale type shows are stage shows.

And I think some of you choose to actually believe that most women in the sex industry are being exploited!
Some women choose this type of work and enjoy it - and actually, it is the women that are exploiting the men !
I live in a city and I have met many sex workers in my job.
Not all of them need ' saving ' and not all men that use them are unreasonable.

LineRunner really my local lap dancing club runs a ladies night

In any case what you saying is its fine for a man to shake their arse as long as its not in a SEV astounding

The first women's only lap dancing club laster less than a year MrBoJngles...thats because women don't generally want to see mens bits when they dont know them.

Actually Bo is right

If you Google, you'll see that many lapdancing clubs have ladies nights.

You have a 'local lap dancing club'? Interesting. In most Local Authority areas they are now confined to city centres.

No, I think all Sexual Entertainment Venues are Sexual Entertainment Venues, and smokescreens of respectability or 'gender equality' are just that - smokescreens.

But I do appreciate that there is big money at stake.

Why do you think that selling and buying those drugs is illegal Worra?

You're right that there is a difference between selling a body for sex and selling drugs. The former does proportionately more harm to women and is legal in this country. Societies that value women ban things that harm them as a group.

And NannyPlum the reason that lap dancing is wrong is that they place ALL the power in mens hands...you are naive i the extreme if you imagine the girls in those clubs are not exploited...first by the club owners who charge them huge amounts to merely get on the stage...and fine them for minor things such as wearing the wrong shoes....then by the men who by dint of having some crisp notes in their pockets are able to pay to see their bodies.

The places are little more than brushed up brothels where an extra twenty can buy a handjob or a close dance....(rubbing bodies on penises until ejaculation) and the women are pressured to do "extras" by the management.

Maybe if anyone is worried about the male dancers, they could ask them whether they were sexually abused as children and whether any of them were trafficked from Eastern Europe. Maybe find out how many have current substance misuse problems or abusive relationships. How many have been raped or sexually assaulted? Perhaps it is just as common in male dancers, I don't know.

I don't actually think that any of the women on this thread said that male stripping is awesome and great and only female stripping is bad. The OP was about a female lap dancer and therefore the discussion was about that.

It only does harm to them if they're being forced into selling their bodies Chandon

If they're perfectly happy in their work then that's up to them.

I do realise that some women just can not or will not accept that some women love to lapdance and some love to have sex for money.

But it doesn't mean these women shouldn't be free to do so...just because others deem it impossible that they know their own mind.

MrsShitty when you say 'these' places...that's a very sweeping generalisation.

Places such as Spearmint Rhino for example have quite openly sacked girls for having sex with customers/offering sex.

Because it's likely to get the place shut down!

The 'male dancer/Chippendales' argument is specious and has been blown out of the water numerous times on numerous threads. It's such a lame argument it's hardly worth the bother engaging. There is no comparison. Male dancers don't live in a matriarchical society where women get paid more than men and have superior opportunities. Where there is a culture of women paying for sex with men. Where there is a culture of men being humanly trafficked or pimped for their bodies. Male dancers do not have to 'rent' their spot in a venue and only get paid if they earn more than the club owner has charged them for appearing. Their livelihood is not reliant on tips and private services.

Worra Spearmint Rhino's owners are expert spin doctors.

Charbon

A hairdresser rents a chair in a shop and has to cut enough hair to pay the rent

A driving instructor rents a car from a driving school and has to sell enough lessons to pay that rent.

Renting a spot on stage in a club/renting a pole runs on exactly the same principle.

They are MrsShitty?

Oh right

MrsTerryPratchett have you ever heard or rent boys
Is this for fucking real refusal to believe some women want to lap dance and refusal to expect that men are abused when children, men are trafficked
Also many will have current substance misuse also many are not even gay

No you miss the point Worra, as many of the 'free choice' proponents do. Some choices are harmful to society as a whole and in this case women-as-a-group. Every time a woman makes a free choice to sell her body for sex, she reduces my opportunities as a woman in society. She props up the perception that women exist for men's sexual relief or entertainment. That harms me and every other woman when we face sexism in everyday life. Just as if I decided that it was my choice to use cocaine or heroin, I would be harming my fellow human beings' right to live without the misery of the drugs trade. Free choice in this context means selfishness and nothing else.

Makes me so sad to think of the denial that exploitation happens to men and in some ways it's worse a double humiliation to have sex for money and to have sex with a man when yur not gay