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Original poster

LAPDANCE

533 replies

reeniemartini · 24/04/2012 18:08

Hi,

I'll try to keep this as brief as possible but my head is a bit all over the place.

I'm getting married in October, we've been together 8 years and engaged for 18 months. I have always felt that i hit the jackpot with him, talented, funny kind and trustworthy. he came back from a stag weekend with mutual friends on Sunday night - and last night he told me they went to a lap dancing club and he paid for a dance. £20 - 3 mins.
I was floored. I always thought I was cool with that kind of stuff, thought it was even a bit of a giggle, one of my friends was even a lap dancer for a few years - so I am surprised how angry and upset I am.
He cried. He said he was sorry, he was stupid, he was too drunk and got caught up in the moment. He said he had to tell me because he never wanted to have any secrets from me, he said he was also upset because he didn't think it would feel like cheating but it did.
I asked for all the details even though I didn't want to hear, what did she look like? How/why did he choose her. Apparently it was as soon as they got through the door and she was the first that offered. It wasn't in a private area, she knickers on, a fishnet top and no bra. (God I feel sick just typing that)
I guess I'm so upset because I would have bet my life that he would NEVER do such a thing and now i feel stupid. I took my ring off - more to show how angry I was than anything and he looked like he was going to throw up - he just crumbled.
The groom didn't get a dance - and for some reason that makes it worse. His other friends did - they have all been married less than a year. I said it feels like the first chance you had you all disrespected your partners without any question or forethought. You all just conformed to the worst stereotype when I so much more faith in you than that.
Am I being unreasonable. i just don't know how to feel. I'm angry, upset but on the other hand am I just being a drama queen? He's promised me he'll never do anything like it again, that I don't deserve it and it was a stupid mistake. I just don't know how to feel.

OP posts:
WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 23:43

Every time a woman makes a free choice to sell her body for sex, she reduces my opportunities as a woman in society

I see what you mean.

But then again, if charging people for sex was illegal...that would reduce other womens opportunities to do as they please with their own bodies.

It's a bit of a catch 22 isn't it?

Either way opportunities are reduced for women.

FreudianSlipper · 24/04/2012 23:44

worra there are many woman who have openly come out and said yes i did it for the money i loved it, ask them a few years along the line when they realise it is not them in control you will get a very different answer from the vast majority many have been open about this and are trying to advise young women not to go into this industry

why because it starts to get to them being seen as a bit of flesh they are human and night after night of being asked for sexual favours, being told their cunt smells lovely, being asked why do you do this, being sworn at, being told their bodies need toning up, their vagina is saggy, their tits sag, they need a boob job, they need a good fuck and being treated with no respect (have you heard how many men talk about these women) plus the pressure of those running these clubs gets to them

there are very few that do not end up emotionally damaged by their experience its a vile industry and the more laws put in place to protect women the better

KRITIQ · 24/04/2012 23:47

I haven't read all the replies but I can see quite a few insisting you should just suck it up and there's nothing wrong, or bizarrely even insisting that women exploit men in strip clubs. (baffled)

Anyhow, he has betrayed your trust, end of. It's for you to decide whether that's a deal breaker or whether you accept his remorse and he's able to do enough to convince you you can trust him. Give yourself time, ignore the people who are trying to say you've got an attitude problem, listen to your gut feelings and do exactly what feels right for you in the situation. It's about you and what you need from a life partner to feel confident that you can trust him, and only he can demonstrate that to the level that is acceptable to you, full stop.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 23:47

Yes I understand that some women pretend they're enjoying it and then come out emotionally damaged.

But again, while there are some women who are truly happy...I would fight for their right not to be repressed by people who disapprove of them and their choices.

Whatmeworry · 24/04/2012 23:48

where's your evidence, whatmeworry? If you're going to tell people they're living in lalaland, I think you're duty bound to point to the evidence that would back up the claim that legalisation is the way to sort it all out

Bleeding Nora, just read the Wikipedia article on the impact (or not) of the Swedish laws. You really don't need any more evidence than that, its very clear that they have just shifted prostitution off the streets and moved it elsewhere by changing the buyer/seller legality arrangement.

"Prostitution has not increased in Sweden" was the most positive measurable result AFAICS

I'll carry on betting on history and human nature thank you. You are deluding yourself if you don't

Charbon · 24/04/2012 23:53

Hairdressing and driving schools tend not to have a organised criminal network supporting them as in the case of SEVs, the person selling those skills is not at risk of drunken customers feeling entitled to shout personal abuse about their bodies and the curtelage of their premises tend not to littered with used condoms and drugs detritus the morning after while children are walking to school.

Charbon · 24/04/2012 23:55

Wikipedia? You call that researched evidence Grin

Try again Whatmeworry. It's you who is deluding him/herself.

WorraLiberty · 24/04/2012 23:56

Charbon, I genuinely don't know which lapdancing clubs you live near but here in london they tend to be pristine....I mean absolutely stunningly clean.

The security in many of them is shit hot or they would lose their licences.

As for the criminal networks supporting them...yes I've heard that about some of them.

I've also heard it about pubs, ice cream vans and hot dog stalls.

aussiecita · 24/04/2012 23:57

Charbon, you're right on the money with everything you write.

Whatmeworry · 25/04/2012 00:01

Wikipedia? You call that researched evidence

Wikipedia with all its arguing authors and meticulous trails of changes, as compared to partisan single issue websites that gloss over all the bits they don't like - damn right it is.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2012 00:02

I'm going to leave this thread now because I think I'm just repeating myself Grin

But Charbon even though we disagree, I've enjoyed discussing it with you.

OP, I hope everything works out for you both.

I do genuinely think the lines were blurred for him with regards to what you found acceptable...so hopefully he has the message now.

Charbon · 25/04/2012 00:02

They are pristine inside in parts of London, but not outside, especially down the side alleyways and at the rear of the premises. Many London councils have rejected their licence renewals on these grounds as well as others.

aussiecita · 25/04/2012 00:05

Worra, do you think that a hot dog, or an ice-cream, can be oppressed? Because women can be, and their bodies are treated like a commodity in the sex industry. I don't know if you genuinely can't see the difference in these industries, or if you're deliberately being obtuse?

Charbon · 25/04/2012 00:08

Actually I was referring to the properly conducted social research that has been undertaken in Sweden several times that found (despite looking for it) no increase in criminal activity as you alleged upthread, nowhere near the existence of 'underground' brothels or independent prostitutes that were ominously predicted by the opponents to the 1999 law and the more recent survey of public attitudes towards men who buy sex, which showed that those men have become marginalised and despised.

But you obviously prefer Wikipedia and can come up with nothing more relevant to support your argument which has been proved to be factually incorrect.

WorraLiberty · 25/04/2012 00:11

auss if you insist on taking my posts out of context then they're bound to look obtuse.

Criminal networks support other industries

At no point did I say a hot dog or an ice cream can be oppressed.

Now who's being obtuse?

entropygirl · 25/04/2012 00:18

whhhahahahahahha. also wtf?

Are people seriously saying someone should break up a successful 8 year relationship because of a 3 minute lapse of judgement that occurred while drunk?

I mean okay if murder or rape had occurred in those 3 mins I would get it, but looking at a woman?

You know we (almost) all have boobs right? They aren't evil?

Is this the eighteenth century?

Whatmeworry · 25/04/2012 00:18

But you obviously prefer Wikipedia and can come up with nothing more relevant to support your argument which has been proved to be factually incorrect.

Nah, Wikipedia is just more honest about the whole story of all the research findings, and the impact of the law warts and all, which is far from as clear cut on benefits than the partisan sites you clearly are limiting your reading to.

TBH all I needed to do was read Wikipedia to know that you are ill informed. What is more worrying is that you are deliberately staying ill informed.

entropygirl · 25/04/2012 00:20

hmmm I agree that women should be able to sell sex if they want to. But forced prostitution should be illegal (including forced by men, women, economic climate etc).

Charbon · 25/04/2012 00:21

Yes it is a retrograde society that reinstated and normalised men's rights to buy sexual services, you could certainly be forgiven for thinking we were still in the eighteenth century or an era where women were regarded as the sexual property of men.

entropygirl · 25/04/2012 00:22

I just think it should be okay for women to be the sexual property of themselves...without anyone telling them it is sinful...

Charbon · 25/04/2012 00:24

Provide evidence of your assertion that banning the purchase of sex or sexual entertainment means it gets taken over by criminals Whatmeworry - and make sure it's up-to-date. That's all I and others are asking you to do. You have no need to worry about me. I know my facts.

Whatmeworry · 25/04/2012 00:38

Provide evidence of your assertion that banning the purchase of sex or sexual entertainment means it gets taken over by criminals Whatmeworry - and make sure it's up-to-date

Oh look - all you have to do is read Wikipedia:

"On 3 May 2009 Hanna Wagenius of the Centre Party Youth introduced a motion to repeal the sex purchase law, arguing that it did not help women involved in prostitution and that trafficking had actuially increased since the law came into effect"

my italics added.....

Charbon · 25/04/2012 00:40

And it failed because it wasn't true.

Next?

Whatmeworry · 25/04/2012 00:43

And it failed because it wasn't true.

"The motion was passed 56: 39"

None so blind, eh Charbon.

In fact, my reading of Wikipedia tells me there is a head of steam building up to repeal or alter this law.

SweetPea91 · 25/04/2012 00:45

YANBU 100%!! I would find the need for that "dance" what ever the excuse given unacceptable.