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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have expected my son to have been fed?

373 replies

AngelWreakinHavoc · 23/04/2012 17:11

I wont blab on I will get straight to the point!

My ds (15) stayed at his friends house for the weekend, Friday night till Sunday night. All the time he was there he was not fed, no breakfast,lunch,tea, a snack NOTHING!

I made sure he ate friday before he went there but he asked for something to eat later on and was told he would have to buy his own food. At first in discussion with my OH we thought 'oh dear they must be skint and have no food in' then I thought well they either should have said he couldnt stay or shared food equally (I have done it many times fed loads of kids with very little food).

THEN......My ds told me, friday night they had a chinese and saturday night they had an indian, It beggers belief, My ds friends Dad drove them to the indian ordered food for the family then took my ds to the shop to get himself a microwave curry.Over the weekend all he had was 2 micro meals and a bought sandwich Luckily my ds had £10 with him which I presumed he would be spending on sweets probably a 4 pack (general stuff a 15yr old boy would buy).

I would not dream of having anyone stay at my house and not feed them or aibu?

OP posts:
IAmBooyhoo · 23/04/2012 19:40

Either half of MN is full of naive women who where virgin angles until marriage or they have simply forgotten what being a teenager is like.

what has that got to do with 15 year olds drinking beer? Confused

IAmBooyhoo · 23/04/2012 19:45

and for those assuming that those surprised at OP giving her ds money to buy beer never drank as teens. i started drinking at 13, this doesn't mean i am not surprised at a parent giving her underage child permission to purchase alcohol. i am surprised. i dont think that's a crime. my children wont be encouraged or permitted to purchase alcohol whilst underage. that doesn't mean they wont be drinking alcohol at home before they are legally able to buy it. i'm still not sure what virgin have to do with it though Confused

JuliaScurr · 23/04/2012 19:53

Dp & I think not feeding your ds is bizarre, weird, strange, etc. The beer issue is totally separate. Hope his friend can come to your place in future so they can still be friends. (you could send his parents a bill)

OrmIrian · 23/04/2012 19:56

Horrible behaviour. Your poor lad.

Kewcumber · 23/04/2012 19:58

she didn't say she was giving him money in order for him to buy beer. She said she presumed he would buy sweets or beer. I too assumed she was being a combination of tongue in cheek and realistic.

My mother didn't give me money in order that I could buy alcohol, neither did she specifically tell me not to spend it on alcohol. But sometimes she gave me money and sometimes I did.

Shakey1500 · 23/04/2012 20:04

I would be LIVID. I couldn't not ring the parents and tell them what I thought AND univite the lad for the weekend. He is old enough to know better.

Oh and to me it was obvious that the OP mentioned beer etc as a lighthearted "that's what I would expect a 15year old to buy, on the sly, when he's on a jolly with his mate" :)

bringbacksideburns · 23/04/2012 20:05

I'd have to ring them and ask why he wasn't included in the takeaways if he is coming away with you.

I can't believe how selfish his friend was too.

SocietyClowns · 23/04/2012 20:06

I'm also almost completely speechless about such behaviour. I come from the sort of home where my mum would feed anyone who happened to show up in the kitchen. There was always plenty and I have the suspicion she'd rather go without or have less herself than refuse a meal to anyone, bless her. It is second nature to me to offer something to people coming to my house, children and adults alike, even if it is just a cuppa and a biscuit if they drop in briefly. It would simply never occur to me to allow a teenager to stay for the weekend and not give them food or let them use the bathroom fgs!
Honestly, some people Sad
The oddest I had was to be invited to lunch with my then 1ish year old dd and the 'friend' only provided food for the children. What was that about?

GnomeDePlume · 23/04/2012 20:11

OP posted at 18.06:56:

omg [hmm'] I DID NOT GIVE HIM MONEY FOR ALCOHOL!

The OP's original comment about the beer was I guess lighthearted and completely irrelevant

Angel I would certainly support you in taking the friend with you and repeatedly showing him how a normal family treats guests.

15 year old boys can be a little inept when it comes to social niceties. It is possible that the friend didnt really notice or just thought it was normal to expect everyone to pay their own way. I guess that is what they do at school or out and about.

That said, there is no excuse for how the family behaved except that they have the social maturity of 15 year old boys! It is possible that they just left them to get on with things and didnt think.

Just as a thought regarding the holiday, the friend may be lacking in social graces. It would be good sense to set some strict ground rules about when they come and go.

AmberLeaf · 23/04/2012 20:15

Alibaba
Well you said in your OP 'I gave him £10 thinking he would spend it on sweets and a four-pack

Which pretty clearly indicates that you gave him money knowing that he would spend it on beer

Thats not what the OP said at all, she said;

Luckily my ds had £10 with him which I presumed he would be spending on sweets probably a 4 pack (general stuff a 15yr old boy would buy).

does the 4 pack mean a 4 pack of sweets or beer? its not clear and I dont think the OP has clarified?

Either way beer is not the issue.

YANBU and they are odd

fluffiphlox · 23/04/2012 20:21

Anyone who has read the recent thread, now on Classics,about the hospitality shortcomings of people who invite guests, won't be that surprised at these social inepts. My bet is that your son's friend enjoys being with your family and it would be wrong to punish him because his parents are barking mad. I mean, if we were all responsible for our parents' actions, where would any of us be?

LunaticFringe · 23/04/2012 20:21

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

TidyDancer · 23/04/2012 20:24

Just when I think I've read it all on MN, something like this comes along.

I would have to call the parents. I am trying to understand under what circumstances that might happen in a reasonable way, but I can't. I don't have teenagers, but I could never imagine having a child of any age in my house at even a single mealtime and not feeding them. It's just not right.

ScarlettAlexandra · 23/04/2012 20:26

have you spoken to the parents, i really wouldn't be able just to keep quiet, your expecting to take their child away so you must be in contact with them. i would make it jokey and ask for a packed lunch for him, they might get the message that way.

IAmBooyhoo · 23/04/2012 20:27

yes yes yes, i get that she did not give him money and say "here's money for beer". i get that she was assuming he might buy beer with the money. however when i first posted it wasn't clear what she meant. well done those who worked out straight away that it was tongue in cheek. some of us didn't so we asked questions. hardly crime of the century.

and can someone please explain what the hell virgins have to do with any of this?

foreverondiet · 23/04/2012 20:27

Extremely odd, and totally rude, even more so if they invited him to stay.

I would have expected my child to ask for food, and if it wasn't forthcoming to call me to ask to go home.

On the basis that they invited him (ie you didn't ask him to go) I'd call or text to express your concern.

Loonytoonie · 23/04/2012 20:35

Agreed - I'd have to call them on it too. It doesn't have to be confrontational -even though I'd want to yell at them but I'd have to ask them what happened, and whether there'd been a misunderstanding.

I'd say that I were giving them the chance to admit that they didn't want him there/couldn't afford to have him there/whatever nameless pointless reason they have for not making him welcome, but I'd definitely have to call them on it, if only to let them know that you're aware that they treated him badly.

Your poor lad.

painauchoc · 23/04/2012 20:41

Absolutely shocking behaviour!
As for the beers, I drank at 15, heavens we even found a dodgy bar to serve us at the local caravan park where we regularly sank a good few drinks on a Saturday night.
My kids are young, are people really appalled and horrified at normal teenage behaviour of having a few sneaky beers these days? I better steel myself for parenting a teenager and get my judgy pants out. sounds like it may come as a shock.

chipmunksex · 23/04/2012 20:41

I suspect the house was filthy and they were ashamed.

NatashaBee · 23/04/2012 20:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

bunnywhack · 23/04/2012 20:50

YANBU and bugger the beer. As you dont want to phone them and still want to take their DS with you on holiday you could either have a quick word with them once you have brought him back saying hey what happend the other weekend or if you want to be less confrontational maybe next time they ask him round phone his mum and make a point of asking if they will feed him or does he need money. This is all assuming that your DS is still ok with his friend and not peed off at the treatment he recieved at their place which he has every right to be

ImperialBlether · 23/04/2012 20:55

I doubt they were ashamed, chipmunksex - they seem hard faced in the extreme.

Floggingmolly · 23/04/2012 21:07

You shouldn't invite people over if you're too ashamed to have them in the house, Chipmunk. Confused Would you invite someone for coffee and make them drink it on the doorstep?
Anyway, how do you explain the non sharing of the food?

angelberry · 23/04/2012 21:11

Can I offer another angle OP? Are you sure they knew he was staying? It wasn't some half-baked plan cooked up between your DS and his mate to have him 'hiding out' in their caravan so they could drink etc?
Just a thought- it's the kind of thing I'd have done when I was a teenager!

IAmBooyhoo · 23/04/2012 21:26

i think OP checked with them that it was ok he staued til sunday as that was when she could collect him so it sounds like they knew he was staying there.