To think my children can share a bedroom

[letasongcarryyoualong]

I have 2 children. DD is 5 and DS is almost 3. I am desperate for another baby, in fact I'd really like another 2 children and have a family of four but practically one more is probably my limit.

However we live in a 2 bed house which because of debt and taking out a mortgage over more than the 25 year term and a 100% mortgage we're in negative equity on and I can't see how we're ever going to be able to afford to move out. Neither of us earn much although we earn enough to keep us from being eligible for benefits. Part of this is DH, he could go for promotions etc but is happy where he is and doesn't want to add to his responsibility. I work part time.

Since we already have a DD and a DS in one bedroom I can't see how it would make much difference to add another. If I had two DDs it might be different, they could share indefinitely but as it is they have to share anyway. And I do worry about that too. At what age will DD need her own space?

Our 3 DDs shared a room until the eldest was 14. She was actually offered a room of her own at 12 but decided she didn't want it. She liked being with her sisters.

If you went ahead and fell pregnant quickly and then had another girl who would then share with your older girl.

So your daughter would be 6 or maybe 7 when the new one was born. You then have the baby in with you for a year and then your older daughter will be 8 sharing with a 1 year old and then at 11 and starting secondary school she would be sharing with a 3 year old and that is hardly ideal as how is a secondary school aged child going to get any work done with a toddler sharing her room? How will she study in an evening and get home work done if little sister is fast asleep in the room. And if you dont move out of your room for your son to have it then she will have to work around him too.

You cant afford a third so dont do it.

Another thread reflecting the extremely middle classed values of MN.

So someone should not have more children if they can't provide at least one bedroom between two kids? What about the significant number of families of a modest background who have more than 5 or 6 kids? There was the program on recently...14 kids and counting and everyone on this site had nothing but praise for the way the couple ran their house but they had more than 2 kids in one room, I believe.

Surely, a child's happiness and well being comes from more than just material things? Doesn't love, care and attention feature very highly in this debate?

I think it's very precious to talk about the things kids "need". The fact is...they need very little materially. And not having much makes most people more driven to succeed themselves.

I am from a family of 9 and we lived in a 4 bedroomed terraced house. I was always sleeping with more than one sibling and I thought absolutely nothing of it as it was MY norm. I had to go to the library to study as there was no peace in the house but that too was the norm. It has made me very independant and self sufficient as I didn't expect a penny from my parents.

Some people shared as children and loved it. Some did and hated it. And so on. I kind of think that your posting of the question shows that you are not quite sure about it. In which case, I would postpone making a decision.

Thought this was about teenagers sharing!

Am sure kids can share - prob better that there is a large age gap. My DDs fought alot once they reached teens so not advisable to share. They had 16 months difference and were 13 and 11. Not good.

Sheesh, folk horrified at siblings sharing rooms, we had to share our beds with however came to stay - grannies, cousins, aunties. Never done us any harm...apart form the nevous tick!

It's not about sharing a room though, is it? My two share a room. It's about saying that your finances are "dire" and you want one or possibly two more children.

If your finances are "dire" - stick with the kids you've got! God knows, they're going to cost you enough

Its not just about sharing though, the OP says finances are dire but is still thinking of adding more children into the situation.

You hear "babies cost nothing" on MN all the time, yet then posts spring up moaning regards to the cost of childcare, school uniform, school trips etc

OP seems to want everything her own way, she wants to work part time (only mention of the DH increasing his pay), wants to go to uni, wants another child despite space and finances being against them and wants her own room.

The children will be unlikely to be able to bring friends home to play as the age gaps simply wont work, her DD may hit puberty very early and will then hate sharing with her brother, different bedtimes means homework etc may have to be done early and no peace to do it in. Having a sibling doesnt make the world all shiny and wipe all the downsides away.

But it is doable, you just have to think hard about your life and what's important to you.

The crucial thing is to think about the effect on your eldest 2 years down the line and whether your DP can handle the stress of increases outgoings -food, shoes etc

Are you in a position to bring in more money in a few years? Can you increase your hours at work?

I have three and works shifts nights and weekends to keep the bulls paid and the children in shoes- you need to think hard about the financial side of things.

I don't see this something to stop you from having a third.

My friend has 7 DC and at various times they have had up to 4 in a room. I Have 3 DC in a 4 bedroom house. My 2 eldest choose to share, one boy (8) and one girl (11), so to me it is fine.

Of course once my DD is another year older I am not sure she will still choose to share with her brother.

Sharing is not a problem.

I shared with my brother til I was 8 and he was 11. By the time your DD is going to secondary school your finances may have changed and you may be able to move/convert loft.

Infact it always surprises me when people give their kids separate rooms, I loved sharing it was so much more fun. (My dds share - I can't face clearing out the 'spare' room hoard).

I know quite a few brothers and sisters who shared rooms in their 20's. Not the ideal but I sometimes think I must have grown up in outer space when I read about people thinking it's practically abuse when even young kids are expected to share and don't have their own room. All this own room malarkey is a very recent development.

Yes finances do matter and whilst i understand why people limit having children due to finances, who is to say what will happen in the future. It is a big unknown. You dont know what will happen down the line. Some can find it a huge struggle raising just one child due to being thrown from financial security into financial turmoil. At the end of the day, it is down to both parents. If you both want one and you can love them and nurture them, then why not.

You will have the room issue whether you have another baby or not. I would consider using living room as a bedroom when kids hit puberty. And if you have to do that anyway, then where is the reason not to have a baby?

You say your finances are dire. I am guessing they are not dire to the extent that you are thinking 'another mouth to feed', otherwise i am guessing the drive to have a aby would not have been tht strong.

What will having another baby do to your current estimate if being able to move when your dd is 11/12? I'm guessing it will delay it a bit as you will not be earning at all for the first few months of the new baby's life plus will need more childcare for longer. Not to mention the cost of raising the new baby.

Is the any way you can raise your family income? Someone mentioned your husband doing tuition in the evenings?

In the end sacrifices are going to have to be made in your family. Whether the sacrifice is you not having another baby, your husband going for a promotion he doesn't want or your daughter agedm15 still sharing a room with a 13 yo boy and a 10 year old boy only you can decide.

We're in a 4-bed with two DCs (DS 3 and DD 1) and have them sharing purely for sibling bonding, not for lack of space. They'll share for as long as they want to. My brother and I shared until about 10, I think, and we've always been really close.

I don't think your financials sound dire, either, in terms of having another 1 or 2. If your DH and you are happy together and have a good relationship, and if you're good to your kids, then the rest is periphery stuff...

I'm 33 and have had about 2 years in my entire life when I didn't share a bedroom. First with siblings, then with DH. I can't sleep in an empty room .

When I was growing up I always shared with at least one sibling, at times all 3. We usually had a boys room and girls room (there were 2 of each sex) but we would sometimes swap around for a few months, and I'd share with one of my brothers, even up until I was 18 (I actually preferred this in some ways as my sister was more untidy).

I don't remember having an issue with privacy re dressing/undressing - I was the oldest so I suppose the younger ones were often asleep by the time I went to bed anyway.

If I needed privacy for whatever reason my parents would put the sharing sibling to bed in their bed, and then move him/her when they came to bed. I used to like going to bed in their bed so I could read without disturbing anyone, they'd half-rouse me and I'd walk back to my bunk.

Maybe we were unusual because none of us were particularly precious about our "own" space - we shared wardrobes and kept things in each other's rooms, played in both bedrooms indiscriminately even when it wasn't the one we were sleeping in at the time.

Sharing is annoying at times (especially if you are the tidier one ) but I wouldn't want to have missed out on having any of my siblings, whom I am extremely close to, just because on paper we didn't have much room. And when you are used to it, and have always done it, you don't really know any different. I have 2 DDs and can't wait for them to be able to share (atm DD2 is still in with us because she still wakes up at night). They'll share until DD1 is secondary school - I hope they'll want to share longer.

The thing is - in a happy house - the children may gripe about having to share, and whinge about having to share a room while it's happening...

But eventually they'll look back on that time with adult understanding and a basis for comparison (i.e. the knowledge that a happy home isn't the norm for many) and realise how lucky they were. Nobody went into therapy for growing up in a happy home, where space was a bit tight and there wasn't much money.

On a practical note, where would you expect them to do their homework? When they get to GCSE, they will need a quiet place to do revision.
I shared my room with my sister for a bit and hated it because we did not get on at all at the time (we do now).
Three in a room really is not great IMO. Storage of stuff will also be an issue won't it?
What you want is one thing but what is best for your DC is another. Ask yourself, what would be best for your DC?

Sharing a room once they are teens is very much an imposition: not impossible but a major source of difficulties - storage, space to work, nowhere to bring friends back, no personal space. Yes, people can manage without these things but it's pretty horrible and unfair, and can be a major source of tension. One of my kids has not been able to invite friends home to 'hang out' (watch a film, sit and chat, etc etc), precisely because she shares a bedroom with a younger sibling. What does she do in a year or so when she comes home from university, or brings home a friend to stay, or a boyfriend?

And then, as someone else mentioned, once they are in their twenties (even after further education) they may still need your home as a living base, if they have limited job and housing opportunities. Anyone fancy the idea of two offspring in their twenties still sharing a room as fully-grown adults and getting on - personal space, clothes and possessions space, space to have friends/boy/girlfriends over?

Anyway, this is only one element of the issue which is finance right now. If you can foresee that you will be able to financially cope with the extra child(ren) - clothes, school trips, dinner money (free school meal provision being reduced), cost of a bigger car, food (once they are teens and eat huge amounts), etc - and might be in a position to afford a bigger house, then okay. Otherwise, it's not reasonable to be considering it at this point - don't rule it out but wait until you are both better financially placed.

Do people actually believe there is an LAW about where you can put your own children to sleep in your own house? Honestly, how daft can you get?

Own bedrooms is a modern obsession. 8,9, 10 children in a 3 bed house was perfectly normal only a generation or two ago. Nobody needs there own bedroom.

yanbu, just budget to have extra room by the time she is, say 10?? is that do-able?

Oh, and I never had my own bedroom, neither did my dh, and we somehow managed to both pass all our exams and get further education, and stay friends with our siblings right into adulthood. It's entirely possible.