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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think my children can share a bedroom

267 replies

letasongcarryyoualong · 22/04/2012 10:53

I have 2 children. DD is 5 and DS is almost 3. I am desperate for another baby, in fact I'd really like another 2 children and have a family of four but practically one more is probably my limit.

However we live in a 2 bed house which because of debt and taking out a mortgage over more than the 25 year term and a 100% mortgage we're in negative equity on and I can't see how we're ever going to be able to afford to move out. Neither of us earn much although we earn enough to keep us from being eligible for benefits. Part of this is DH, he could go for promotions etc but is happy where he is and doesn't want to add to his responsibility. I work part time.

Since we already have a DD and a DS in one bedroom I can't see how it would make much difference to add another. If I had two DDs it might be different, they could share indefinitely but as it is they have to share anyway. And I do worry about that too. At what age will DD need her own space?

OP posts:
GeriatricBabyMama · 24/04/2012 21:18

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by Mumsnet for breaking our Talk Guidelines. Replies may also be deleted.

Hownoobrooncoo · 24/04/2012 22:17

I have a friend in a small 2 bed house who has four children (both sexes). They are well cared for and happy. They aren't rich but enjoy things that don't cost so much. It wouldn't be for me but others manage.

melika · 25/04/2012 08:25

I think she should have as many as she wants, only she knows how she is going to cope.

Original poster
letasongcarryyoualong · 29/04/2012 12:42

Thanks for the replies, I'm sorry I haven't been back. Our Broadband connection decided to collapse this week and since I must be one of the few remaining people in the world without a smartphone I haven't been able to get on.

I need to have a long and hard conversation with DH, I don't think he wants any more but I need to, I realised when posting here that I need to have more children and if DH can't or won't then I will have to find somebody who will, staying at 2 DCs is not an option for me.

OP posts:
Nanny0gg · 29/04/2012 12:53

I need to have a long and hard conversation with DH, I don't think he wants any more but I need to, I realised when posting here that I need to have more children and if DH can't or won't then I will have to find somebody who will, staying at 2 DCs is not an option for me.
I'm a bit Shock at this post, tbh.

DontmindifIdo · 29/04/2012 13:03

This is a perfect example of why you should always have a serious "what we want from our lives and what are we prepared to sacrifice to achieve it" talk before getting married/having DCs. You want a large family and to not work full time in a well paying job to fund it, your DH doesn't want to leave classroom teaching and earn the money to pay for a large family to have a comfortable lifestyle, it seems your aims in life aren't compatable unless you are prepared to live a very spartan life/give your DCs a poor standard of living.

Sad
Skimty · 29/04/2012 13:07

I have three in the same room (5,3,1) but his is choice not necessity as we have a three bed house. It works fine at the moment.

Pooka · 29/04/2012 13:10

Good god! So becue your dh might be being sensible re: your family finances and also is happy wt 2, ou are considering breaking up your family and finding another man to provide 3rd child.

Have you any idea how spectacularly selfish that sounds? Are you even thinking of the impact that this might have on our existing children?

foreverondiet · 29/04/2012 13:11

I see it both ways. My close friend was brought up abroad, with 5 siblings, in a one bedroom flat, without much money, the kids all slept in the living room. She said she had a happy childhood.

Yes ideal for children to have their own rooms esp for for separate sexes etc over 12 but this isn't always possible and IMO better to have a 3rd child who will be loved but have to share a room than not have a 3rd child.

Slightly more worrying the comments about the OP's DH not wanting more children.

Pooka · 29/04/2012 13:12

Desire for a third child trumps the needs/happiness of your existing children.

virgil · 29/04/2012 13:15

Things are clearly not right between you and your DH if you will leave him if you can't have another child. But where does that leave you? Single mother, no job and half of a small two bedroom house. Quite how that would help you I don't know. I think your attitude is very strange. I can understand being desperate for another baby but how long do you think it will take to leave your husband, find another partner, establish a secure and loving relationship and be ready to have a baby together - its not going to happen overnight!
If you are desperate for another child you will need to be prepared to sleep downstairs in a couple of years, that will be the case whether you leave your husband or not.

DialsMavis · 29/04/2012 13:16

If you leave your poor H to get pregnant by some other guy, will the new baby with worth only seeing your existing children for half the week, if H decides he would like 50:50 residency?

I tried to chuck my 2 penneth in earlier in the thread without sounding harsh or judgey, but you sounded selfish and immature at the beginning of the thread tbh and your last post confirms it. You would be willing to remove your children
From their father in your quest for more DC, or is it rather that you are merely willing to emotionally blackmail and frighten your DH into changing his mind by threatening to take his DC away?

AllthatshewantsisanotherBBaby · 29/04/2012 13:19

You are incredibly selfish and immature

Heyyyho · 29/04/2012 13:46

Un freaking believable !

Selfish and immature

hairylemon · 29/04/2012 14:21

Wow, I actually felt for you a bit but after your last post Ive lost any symptahy I had

You would leave your children without a father for half of the time, your EXISTING children, just so you can have anothe rone to complete your collection.

What if the poor bastard you pick doesnt know that he cant have children? Would you leave him? Say you do leave your H, you migh thave whatm a year single while you find someone, a year being together before you start trying for kids, maybe a year + of TTC, so thats 3 years. Why not just wait as you are for three years, things might be better then, or your desire for anothe rmight calm down?

Im actually stunned at how easily you would upheave your family just for another chid that you may not be able to have anyway. What if the tables turn and you cant conceive any more children but your DH wants more, how would you feel if he casts you aside for another woman?

Nanny0gg · 29/04/2012 14:23

Does your DH realise how dispensible he is?

lunar1 · 29/04/2012 14:24

Your poor DH and children. I think i would be banned if i posted what i thought of you.

LtEveDallas · 29/04/2012 14:26

Wow, so your desire for a third child is worth possibly losing (for 50% of the time) the two you already have? Your poor, poor children.

Oh, and how exactly are you going to support this third child? Especially if you have to do it alone.

HexagonalQueenOfTheSummer · 29/04/2012 14:31

I remember a thread on here fairly recently where someone said that a friend of theirs had 3 DCs in a 2-bed house and the OP thought it was wrong and she got a real pasting and loads of posters said of course it is fine to have as many children as you like in a room and that she was being a cow.

And now because an OP is saying that she wants 3 in one room, it's suddenly not OK by Mumsnet standards.

Very odd

lunar1 · 29/04/2012 14:33

It has nothing to do with no. of rooms though. their finances are horrific and there doesn't look like any hope of things improving.

LtEveDallas · 29/04/2012 14:34

No that's not it Hex, she can barely afford the two she has, but wants more. That's what people find 'not OK'

MummytoKatie · 29/04/2012 14:52

When you say "if he can't or won't" do you really mean that if he was diagnosed with cancer next week and had to have chemo which left him infertile you would leave?

You have two children, a home, a marriage, a family. That is more than most. Can you not focus on what you have got?

Bumdrop · 29/04/2012 14:58

Dump the husband because he wants to stay in a job he enjoys and wants to be you and your two children as opposed to having a third child, have to take on more stress at work, and finance you and 3 kids in a dire financial situation.
You say you as a family are just over the benefits threshold, and you are currently struggling as things are.
Blimey love ........ Grow up !!!

Original poster
letasongcarryyoualong · 29/04/2012 15:01

Probably am, to be honest. The truth is I don't love my husband any more, I don't think I have for a long time, probably going back to DD being small but I wanted to be with him because he was the father to my DD. When I got pregnant with DS it was the start of financial hardship in many ways as I was made redundant suddenly and unexpectedly. I also can't explain it and still feel guilty about this but I had a very strong feeling DS was a girl. I was so convinced of it that when he was delivered I nearly said it was the wrong baby. And If I am honest it took me a good 7/8 months to even start to bond with him, it wasn't him, he was/is a lovely little baby and boy. I used to look at him and think what a lovely baby he was but he did not feel like my son. It was as if my DD2 was living somewhere out there, I used to dream very vividly that they had been switched and in my dreams I would always almost stop another couple walking out of the hospital with my DD2.

Anyway after I had my DS I asked, in all innocence, at a toddler morning at what age I should move DD into her own room. I have to admit that was unwise, I did expect everyone to reply with saying they would be fine for the next decade or so but in fact most replies tended to be along the lines of that I should be moving then-3 y/o DD out by the time she was 6 or 7. I felt a bit resentful of poor DS then, as if he'd been a girl, the child I should have had it felt like, I wouldn't have this worry and pressure to move. And we can't move, believe me we've gone over the finances a hundred times.

I feel as if I need to have a 3rd baby to have that child I didn't have 2nd time, it could be a girl or a boy, I know many people think having a son and daughter is perfect but for me it is actually the worst scenario because I want my son to have a brother and my daughter to have a sister, I'm not really sure what to do. I know I'm not happy.

OP posts:
DialsMavis · 29/04/2012 15:07

Stop being selfish and immature then, get some sort of counselling, tell your husband you don't love him and move out OR manipulate your DH into having another baby he doesn't want, bring all the DC up in your loveless marriage and muddle on thinking that can have whatever you like regardless of the consequences.

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