To think my children can share a bedroom

[letasongcarryyoualong]

I have 2 children. DD is 5 and DS is almost 3. I am desperate for another baby, in fact I'd really like another 2 children and have a family of four but practically one more is probably my limit.

However we live in a 2 bed house which because of debt and taking out a mortgage over more than the 25 year term and a 100% mortgage we're in negative equity on and I can't see how we're ever going to be able to afford to move out. Neither of us earn much although we earn enough to keep us from being eligible for benefits. Part of this is DH, he could go for promotions etc but is happy where he is and doesn't want to add to his responsibility. I work part time.

Since we already have a DD and a DS in one bedroom I can't see how it would make much difference to add another. If I had two DDs it might be different, they could share indefinitely but as it is they have to share anyway. And I do worry about that too. At what age will DD need her own space?

I might off missed it but I dont see anything about op not being able to afford her current arrangement just not enough to move up at the moment.

Molly, she says her current finances are "dire"..

Oh sorry missed that If it was just the housing thing then I wouldnt be too worried but if you have a lot of other debts it wouldnt be wise

Well OP said she could afford it, and if things got tighter there are things you could do to increase your income which you would happily do for your child but maybe not your dog?

Although it's hardly child cruelty, I'm a big believer in children having their own bedrooms, so if i couldn't provide that, I wouldn't have more kids. I have two children and a three bedroom house. I wouldn't have a third child because , in my mind, there is no room for a third child.

own bedrooms is ideal but it really isn't the end of the world if opposite sex children have to share. Until recently, due to circumstances DD2 17 was sharing with DS 10. I'm not saying it was perfect harmony but nobody died. Any issues regarding puberty etc were solved by people getting dressed in bathroom. Biggest issue was over bedtimes and noise.

I have a friend who shared a room with his older sister until he was 17 and she moved out. This was in the year 2000. I don't think it equates to child abuse, as some seem to be suggesting . Nor did anyone at school bully him for it (too busy focusing on his sexuality, but that's a different question).

On the homework question, why can't children study in the living room? Or at the kitchen table? They don't need a room of their own to study in, or not at younger than 11. Maybe when they're doing Standard Grades/GCSEs, but not at primary age.

Could they have a den in the garden? We used to spend hours in our tree house even though it was freezing. If you have a garden shed that could become a den, maybe with a fan heater and electric light, then that would ease the pressure a bit during the day.

I have 3 DCs with a very similar age gap all sharing a room. They are girl, boy, girl and are now 7, 5 and 2.

It's been fine up until now but I am starting to wish that DD1 could have her own room. Up until now they've all the same bedtime but understandably DD1 wants to and really needs to stay up later but the younger two then just stay awake until she come in which isn't great.

It's certainly not impossible but it is getting harder and I think that you would need to be realistic about the long term if there is no option of you moving.

I would have liked three and stopped at two so I understand how strong the longing can be. I don't know how old you are but could you postpone the decision and concentrate on improving your situation and getting in a better place financially? Just a thought.

I agree with squeakytoy and HecateTrivia. YABU and selfish TBH.

You say your finances are dire and that extra space is non existent for the children you do have, I cant understand why you would want to put more strain on your finances and space by adding another child into the mix.

I am sure there are a lot of people who would love another child, I know DH and I would. You have to take into account not only if you can afford another child, if you have the space for another child but also, if it is a good thing for your current children for you to have another child.

I do however understand how you feel, DH & I would have loved a third child, we have space for a third child and even though sometimes our finances are a bit tight we could have 'squeezed' them enough for another child. Neither DH or I were prepared to put our DD's through things being tighter than they already are. We want to be able to provide above and beyond the essentials for our DD's and having another child would not enable us to do that. I do realise that children do not need anything above the essentials, and as of this point our DD's only get small non-essential treats etc (meaning a bag of goodies, or an ice cream at the park, or even a cheap day out on the train to the beach with a picnic; I don't mean holidays or expensive shoes/clothes/toys etc)

I don't think it's selfish to wonder if it might be possible to have another child and to run your eyes over your circumstances, wondering if you can make it work. Some of these posts are too harsh.

I think folk these days are way too precious and spoilt about this stuff. If you don't mind and think it's doable then it's only your business.

Well we have pretty ok finances and still consider that we couldn't afford a third child.

Children only get more expensive as they older, and if neither you or DH have the will or ability to increase your earnings then things are only going to get tighter for you, surely?

I agree with others who've said this comes down to whether you're prepared to sleep in the lounge. If you are then having 3 DCs in a 2 bed is absolutely fine. You could have 2 of same sex in one room, 1 of opposite sex in other room. You and DH could sleep on a sofa bed in lounge and have your clothes and bedding in one of the DC's bedrooms. I actually think this is fine and much better than 2 teens of opposite sexes sharing. Actually you may well need to live like this unless one of the bedrooms can be split for your current DCs when they are secondary school age.

I will not have a 3rd child for this reason, both my children have thier own rooms and that's how it going to stay.

I grew up with sharing a room with 2 sisters who was younger, I got into trouble for not handing in home work at school because there wasn't a safe place to keep it and it was drawn on or ripped up so I often skipped lesson as I didn't see the point

I am the eldest of 5 kids we had 3 bedroomed house just before I left home mom and dad had middle sized room myself and mysister had bunks in smallest room biggest room 1 set of bunks and single bed, own room is not necessary its a wish

There is no law whatsoever about sharing rooms its about technical overcrowding for social housing but that only means points on waiting list for bigger house, in some parts of London by the time you come to top of list for overcrowding you won;t be overcrowded as DC will be in trwenties and probably moved on people can be on overcrowded waiting lists for years

personally I think it depends on how you manage childrens expectations of what they can and can not have if you can't afford 3 times DS Xbox etc only you know how to manage that being loved is more important

we did homework on dining room table youngest played in lounge until bed time so we had peace to do homework , it was fine

from what i gave OP's day to day finances are fine ie enough to feed vclothe etc; they are only dire in sense of negative equity henve not being able to move she is in flat in listed buuilding so extensoions major changes out of question,

unfortunately as Dh is a teacher that likes teaching he is unlikely to be promoted as all promotions ae management jobs not teaching

OP - it's even little things like, do you drive? could you physically get another car seat into your car? (Neither of our cars could, it's interesting just how big your car has to be to get a family of 5 in it when at least 2 of them will need car seats).

If you have a 3rd, will money always be a worry? Can you afford to save for your retirement now (before you add a 3rd)?

Does your DH want a 3rd enough to have the reduced lifestyle (either materially or less job satifaction by going for promotion)? If not and you insist on the 3rd child and force the reduced lifestyle, can your marriage survive it?

Re the bedrooms, are you and DH prepared to sleep in the lounge? That will make it possible. If you aren't prepared to give up your space, think carefully about putting your DCs in a position where they will never have their own space. If it's not fair on you, then it's not fair on them.

Having a brother and sister share a room is ok when they are young but I doubt teenagers would like to share a room, I know I wouldn't have wanted to share with my brother.

3 in a room for me is a complete no no, we currently live in a 2 bed semi and have a 9month old DD, space is tight and there are only 3 of us, I could never imagine having 3 kids in here, we would all be bumping into each other.

So if it was me I would be waiting to move to a bigger house before anymore kids and if that's not an option, there would be no more kids for me.

We're having our loft done at the moment - not London but SE commuter belt - and it's going to be £35K all up including VAT. Seems to be the going rate - we had lots of approximately similar quotes.

Of course you could do it illegally or badly yourself for less, but you need to think about resale.

I think it's a good point Lydia made, that if you wouldn't be prepared to give up your privacy and sleep in the living room then it wouldn't be fair to expect it of your children to share. I assume if you are in a 2 bed house then you don't have many bathrooms, so they couldn't even hide away in there for some private time without someone banging on the door wanting their turn.

You say you have debts, you are in negative equity and your financial situation is 'dire' - does that seem like a good environment to add another being with all the expense that brings. That's an issue even before you get to having the space for a third child.

How old are you?

You want four kids and expect them to share one bedroom?.. You can barely afford the children you already have and now you want to slash the limited resources currently on offer to them so that you can have more children you can provide even less for?

Your children won't reach their potential living in overcrowded accommodation with fewer resources than most of their peers and it's unfair to expect them to do so.

Stick to two kids and partition the room to give each the space and privacy they need and try to give them the best life you can. It is very selfish to have more children than you can properly provide and care for.

Sorry but YABU

Yes people adapt to their living conditions and dont "die" as someone upthread said.

My upbringing was spartan and we had very little of those things everyone else seemed to , my DB and I shared a room for a couple of years in my early teens.

No clearly I am not dead but I hated it

I think you need to put aside your longing for more DC and focus on the family you do have

sharing a room is a non-issue for most kids. b4 i had my third i said to my kids that one of them would have to share depending on baby's gender...they both were delighted at the thought. my dd has a large room all to herself..does she ever sleep in it?...nope she's always camped out in her brother's room

my dad grew up as one of 10 kids in a 2 bed cottage - he has never complained about his cramped childhood - he only talks of all the great times. i know of many large families growing up in tiny houses. not many kids would wish their youngest sibling hadn't been born so that they could get a room to themselves. it all depends on the dynamics of your own family. there are many on this thread saying they they wouldn't want their kids to share a room..and that's fine...for them. but you shouldn't let that make your final decision.
the whole gender thing is already an issue that you are going to have to imaginatively deal with when your kids become teenagers. you will have to convert the living area or something to give them separate space. Having or not having a 3rd child won't change this. could you rent your flat out in the longterm future and then rent a 3 bed property in a slightly cheaper area? the negative equity thing will sort itself in the long term as long as you keep paying your mortgage.
you mainly have to focus on your finances. could you afford maternity leave, can you afford to feed another one and pay for childcare. kids are very adaptable and happily make do with less - just depends on how you bring them up. have a chat with your dh and see if you think it would be affordable and what your overall expectations are for your futures

To answer your specific question I wouldn't want a girl over 8 sharing with a boy over 5. Other peoples musings on same sex or younger siblings sharing is irrelevant here.

As a last resort you could live without a living room and have 3 bedrooms and a kitchen.