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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Step children staying overnight

368 replies

Lisa249 · 20/04/2012 11:16

At the moment my husbands 2 children aged 7 and 9 stay with us every other weekend. im currently 4 months pregnant. at the moment we are having to move house, but on the current market i struggling to find a house to cater my husbands office, new baby and 2 step children staying overnight every other weekend. Ive asked my husband if he can see is children once a week for the day instead of every other weekend and them staying overnight. My husband is adamant he wants the children to stay over night and doesnt agree with my suggestion. Im getting highly stressed looking for a house to cater for all his needs i.e his children, gym equipment and office. Do you think im being unfair in asking that the children dont stay over night? That way we will find a house quicker as we dont have to accomidate the children sleeping over.

OP posts:

MustControlFistOfDeath · 20/04/2012 18:18

Not all fathers have their children overnight, and yes i may sound like a horrible step mother but my main priority is my own unborn child. All im asking is that we just dont have them overnight. I dont think im being unreasonable at all

for them to have a SM who doesn't even want to have them to stay for one paltry night per fortnight.

Come on OP, it's not beyond the wit of man to sort this 'not enogh room' problem out now is it. Yet your solution is to remove any provision for your SKs staying over.

Says it all I'm afraid.

rhibutterfly · 20/04/2012 18:22

If you haven't got the budget for enough rooms then your husband will have to compromise on the office, gym equiptment,but not the poor children

AmberLeaf · 20/04/2012 18:23

Yeah im hoping this is a wind up too- surely no one is this selfish?

The space and gym equipment is a red herring here, the issue is Lisa clearly doesnt see anything wrong with turning 2 young childrens worlds upside down by saying they cant stay overnight in their fathers home anymore.

To see nothing wrong with that...in fact to be the one actually suggesting it [Lisas DH is against her suggestion of no overnights remember] is just unbelievable and yes maybe a bit too unbelieveable???

I know some step mums struggle with their feelings towards their DHs children but Lisas attitude is IMO V brazen and a bit stereotypical 'wicked step mother'

Give them a nice shiney red apple next time they are over Lisa

Rindercella · 20/04/2012 18:25

Ahahahahaha

Of course Lisa, all those who find your stance shocking and unreasonable are wrong and don't understand.

I have a step son. I love him to bits. He's now 21 and he still has a place at my house. In fact, since his father died he comes here even more often now and has chosen a university close to me so he can pop over when he wants. This is because through all the years (13) that I have been in his life, I have always treated him as my husband's child, and loved him as such. I have always made him feel welcome - even when he stayed every Friday and every Saturday night with us for about 8 years.

Thank God I did that - he and his little sisters have the most amazing bond and I have a great babysitter

These are important years for your stepchildren. Don't do anything that might fuck them up, please.

hotheels · 20/04/2012 18:25

This reply has been deleted

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QuickLookBusy · 20/04/2012 18:25

Of course you should stop your Dh from seeing his DC overnight. That's what all good parents would do.

And of course his gym stuff is so much more important so I wouldn't get rid of that to make room for his DC.

This whole thread is a joke, hopefully

cory · 20/04/2012 18:25

I'll let you in on a secret, Lisa:

a young baby doesn't actually care whether he has his own designated nursery or not, it adds nothing to either his happiness or his wellbeing

an adoring sibling otoh who hangs over his cot and makes him giggle can be the source of real and lasting happiness

are you really going to take that away from him for the sake of something that is more about your enjoyment and convenience? and how will you explain that when he is old enough to understand?

Conflugenglugen · 20/04/2012 18:26

I have step-children. I think your decision is monstrous.

Mrbojangles1 · 20/04/2012 18:27

ah nice to see that people are still trying out for wicked step mother of the year

its not that op doesn't know she is wring she doesn't care and was hoping to get a few more shameful women to bolster her own wrong view

no doubt she argues the amount of money her oh gives as well

she has her man and her kids no doubt she see the step children as just in the way sadly many women are like this the oh children then become estranged due to the new wife

but why someone would marry someone who hates their children is beyond me really

MissMogwi · 20/04/2012 18:27

I can well believe this is real.
My children's stepmother got rid of their beds at their house and their weak willed, spineless father has done nothing about it. (I hold him fully responsible btw-he is their dad)

It has meant that now they only go round for a few hours at a time, like guests. My eldest daughter doesn't like to go anymore as she feels unwelcome and therefore rarely sees her dad.

timetochangeagain · 20/04/2012 18:30

I can top the OP mind you.

My stepchildrens own mother threw their beds away when they went to live with their dad, so they had nowhere to stay in her house.

Mrbojangles1 · 20/04/2012 18:30

AmberLeaf my own step mum was the same in fact in might be her

when i came to visit my dad i had to wait outside till he got home from work i wasnt allowed in with out him their

i am also not allowed to pop round i have been told i have to ring in advance i gave up trying to see my dad 5 years ago

MrsCampbellBlack · 20/04/2012 18:30

It must be a wind up - I mean the mention of baby in own room so early on as 'starting as you mean to go on' - come on - we love that stuff

Why are you moving Lisa and why only a month to find a house?

theonewiththenoisychild · 20/04/2012 18:31

YOU ARE BEING VERY UNREASONABLE!!!! Get a sofa bed for the office and a put up bed for the livingroom and stop pushing your poor step children out. If you cant see how unreasonable your being then your marriage may well suffer due to this because parents love for their dc's will trump any love for you every single time

MissMogwi · 20/04/2012 18:31

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KisMittz · 20/04/2012 18:32

When I met my Ex, his sons were 9/10 and he had a one bedroom flat, when they stayed, they had our double bed, and we slept in whatever alternative there was.
It was the loveliest feeling in the world when the younger DSS would come through and snuggle up in bed between me and his Dad, it just felt like total acceptance.

There has always been accommodation for them, however much we struggled and when Ex and my 2 DC's came along.

However much you are naturally inclined to put you own DC first, I truly believe that your DSC need to feel that they are equal in your concerns. It isn't actually that hard to do, and I agree that you OH needs to be the one coming up with a solution for how it is going to work, sofa bed, air bed, office in a shed in the garden (My brother has converted one, it works fine for him)... they will be naturally insecure about being pushed out by their Father's new baby, please, please don't confirm their fears by stopping their one overnight a fortnight with their Dad... It will also be a valuable bonding time for them and their new brother/sister.

KitchenandJumble · 20/04/2012 18:32

Just to add another voice to the chorus: you are being quite spectacularly unreasonable. Why should you "accommodate" these children? Because they are part of your family now. They are your husband's children just as much as your unborn baby is. They are the siblings of that baby.

Even if you think that your baby should always be your priority (which I find quite troubling on a number of levels, but whatever), there is no reason in the world that this should be the case for your DH. Why on earth should he place the baby's (perceived) needs before the other children's need to spend time with him? Hint: he should not. They are all his children, the youngest has no special claim on him. And being able to visit Dad's house overnight is crucial for the older ones.

EthelredOnAGoodDay · 20/04/2012 18:33

I dont normally reply to these types of threads, but i feel compelled to in this. When we were growing up my SM wouldn't have my DB and me to stay and my dad was too weak to stand up for us. So we never did, from me being 11 and my DB being 8. I am now mid 30's and still don't have a fantastic relationship with my dad because of it and really dislike my SM. Good on your DH for sticking up for his children. If the move is getting to you,he should help you, but otherwise, YABVU.

sheepgomeep · 20/04/2012 18:34

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slowestwildebeast · 20/04/2012 18:35

You shouldn't have had kids with him, why didn't you find someone without? Why is it down to you to find a house in a month? Your husband has left the wrong person in charge of this task.

HateBeingCantDoUpMyJeans · 20/04/2012 18:36

Lisa I do not have step children, but I have a step brother. I know first hand tge damage tgat is done when children do not feel they are being treated fairly.

Let's hope your relationship lasts cause if not you might find yourself on the otherside of this argument.

silverfrog · 20/04/2012 18:38

I cannot believe that anyone would prioritise a 'proper nursery' for a newborn over the needs of two older, more aware children (who will be going through enough upheaval at the arrival of their new sibling - they hardly need squeezing out on top of that)

when dd1 was born, her 'nursery' was in our ensuite bathroom! because there had to be space in the house for ehr older siblings - and quite rightly too. they visited 3 times a year, for extended stays (we were abroad at teh time), but still, they had their own rooms, and d1 cared not a jot where she slept - all babies need is milk, warmth, and love. a 'proper nursery' is al for the parents, not for the baby. and it speaks volumes that the OP would rather have a nicely done up nursery, than space for the two children who are already in the family.

TheseGoToEleven · 20/04/2012 18:38

YABU YABU do. Wilma!

Pinkiemum · 20/04/2012 18:38

I have never understood seeing your father every other weekend I saw my dad ever week on a Sunday, during holdays and long weekends we would sometimes stay with him or go camping.

I would have been very upset at only seeing my dad once a fortnight and we did some wonderful things the days we spent with him, surely it is the time spent with your parent that counts not wether you stay the night with them.

Yes the children should be able to stay with their father but there are other ways to do things.

TidyDancer · 20/04/2012 18:38

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