Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children staying overnight

368 replies

Lisa249 · 20/04/2012 11:16

At the moment my husbands 2 children aged 7 and 9 stay with us every other weekend. im currently 4 months pregnant. at the moment we are having to move house, but on the current market i struggling to find a house to cater my husbands office, new baby and 2 step children staying overnight every other weekend. Ive asked my husband if he can see is children once a week for the day instead of every other weekend and them staying overnight. My husband is adamant he wants the children to stay over night and doesnt agree with my suggestion. Im getting highly stressed looking for a house to cater for all his needs i.e his children, gym equipment and office. Do you think im being unfair in asking that the children dont stay over night? That way we will find a house quicker as we dont have to accomidate the children sleeping over.

OP posts:
sue52 · 20/04/2012 17:45

I think you are storing up huge problems for your relationship with your stepchildren. I find your attitude quite shockingly selfish.

SunflowersSmile · 20/04/2012 17:46

Husband is most selfish though. He really needs to get his priorities right.

EmpireBiscuit · 20/04/2012 17:46

Is this real? I am 26, with my own family, and still have a room at my dad and step mums. They would never have bought a home that didn't have space for me and my brother.

cory · 20/04/2012 17:47

If I were you I would not look forward to the day when I had to explain to ds that "you could have been close to your brother and sister like your friend X is, but I thought you'd rather have more room for your cot and daddy wanted room for his gym things".

SunflowersSmile · 20/04/2012 17:48

Bunk beds!!

oohlordylordy · 20/04/2012 17:49

o, Friday - the OP should NOT be ashamed that her DP sees his kids EOW because IT IS NOTHING TO DO WITH HER. SHe is not a parent in this situation.

I believe she is taking her DPs comments and trying to make them work. AKA: SHe is trying compromise and taking the sharp end of it all. I would imagine that she has yet to establish (been allowed to establish) a close bond with the SKs.

I don't know why, but I truly feel that the OP is being honest and taking it on the chin for something she doesn't really deserve.

slowestwildebeast · 20/04/2012 17:50

What's going to happen when you and your husband don't agree on this then. I have a step son, I'd always make sure he could stay. You sound dreadful.

cory · 20/04/2012 17:56

"Any mother would prioritise her own child, if you dont prioritise your own child before someone elses, then its your behaviour you need to look at and not mine."

Does anyone actually believe in this as a recipe for childrearing? That the convenience of your child is some kind of golden standard that must be maintained at all costs, even if it affects the emotional welfare of other children? And that if you ever put other people before your own child, you are a bad mother?

If that is your attitude, how do you expect to bring up a considerate and well adjusted child who gets on with other people? This is one area where I would say "start as you mean to go on", don't get in the habit of treating your own child (even unborn) as some little emperor whose slightest convenience trumps the needs of other people. It can easily become a habit.

AmberLeaf · 20/04/2012 17:56

im still not willing to accomidate children that we only see once a fortnight

They are your husbands children and from what you say he is not prepared to bend on having them overnight.

Be very careful, you may well find yourself on your own with your baby if you carry on with that attitude!

This isnt really about space though is it?

You just dont want them there at all do you?

Inertia · 20/04/2012 17:56

I'm a stepchild. And even when my dad and stepmum had 3 more children to add to the three of us that my dad already had, even though we only went at weekends, even when we were teenagers- there was always a place for us. We shared bedrooms, we slept in rooms that doubled up ( I slept in the room which doubled up as the office) but we were always all welcome.

Both my dad and stepmum would rather have given up any of the rooms in their house than set it up so that we three older ones couldn't stay. And, as far as my stepmum is concerned, she has 6 children, even though she only gave birth to 3 of them. Your attitude is appalling- yes, you have to prioritise your children- I'd argue that you should be considering your stepchildren as your children rather than an inconvenience. They are 7 and 9 years old, and you want to ban them from seeing their father because it doesn't fit in with your ideal home plans? Well tough shit, you should have thought about that before you married a man with children.

Your DH needs to start putting his children first here. So he doesn't want to ban them, but isn't willing to help find a house? He needs to start compromising, and helping, because this situation sounds like a disaster waiting to happen.

I don't get angry about threads like this, but I am gobsmacked at the utter heartlessness of a couple that put a fucking rowing machine and a computer ahead of the need to see their small children.

Bunnyjo · 20/04/2012 17:58

OP I am actually shocked that anyone can be so heartless as you are being 'I am not willing to accommodate children...' You're not accommodating any child, you're accommodating your DH's children, your step children and your unborn DC's half siblings! Seriously, your attitude stinks.

I only hope that we are not reading another AIBU from you in a few years when if you split with your H and his new wife doesn't want to accommodate your child.

AmberLeaf · 20/04/2012 17:59

I dont think your husband wants to find a house you know.....hes not exactly trying is he?

What might that tell you?

pumpkinsweetie · 20/04/2012 18:02

AmberLeaf-thats exactly what i was thinkingGrin

SunflowersSmile · 20/04/2012 18:02

How about us all thinking of a way Lisa's dh can be persuaded to be less precious and selfish? Space seems to be the issue. The children must be able to stay the night [sorry op] and Lisa needs advice on how to get dh to compromise re office space and gym equipment.

Hopandaskip · 20/04/2012 18:03

Does it not worry you that you are married and pg with a man who only sees his children once every two weeks and prioritises them at the same level as gym equipment?

Beamur · 20/04/2012 18:03

OP - in answer to your question about posters having stepkids - I have 2 and a child of my own, so pretty much the same as your situation.

cory · 20/04/2012 18:05

Sunflowers, I imagine the real way to bring home to Lisa's dh that his attitude is unacceptable would be for Lisa be openly shocked about it, to make it clear that she would never have imagined he was the kind of man who would not prioritise his own children and treat all his children equally. She might struggle to make it convincing though.

Becky36 · 20/04/2012 18:07

I have to say that I am absolutely disgusted by this and what you have written. My son is seven and if his dad said he couldn't stay the night anymore he would be devastated.

And before you give it the old 'you don't understand' malarky, my exh had four other children when we met. They all stayed the night in whatever house we were living in at the time. Even after me and exh split I still see his other children and MORE TO THE POINT my son sees his brothers and sister and now his nephews (huge age gap between older kids and my son). They are close and they love each other.

When you met your husband did you think that his kids were on sale or return? Without meaning to sound nasty, if he stops having his kids overnight on your say so, what stops him from doing the same to your child should you split?

doeadear · 20/04/2012 18:09

This has to be a wind up.

Hopandaskip · 20/04/2012 18:09

if he stops having his kids overnight on your say so, what stops him from doing the same to your child should you split?

Becky, that is what I was trying to say. It would concern me.

Becky36 · 20/04/2012 18:10

Doe - Hoping it is.

Magneto · 20/04/2012 18:12

You may only have one child but your husband has THREE and I hope to god he sees how his wife is treating his children and puts a stop to it for their sakes. Poor children Sad.

EmilyPollifaxInnocentTourist · 20/04/2012 18:14

Your husband sounds like a selfish prick.

You'd solve all your problems by dumping his arse instead of colluding with him in restoring his relationship with his other children.

Men who are shit parents to their first children are inevitably shit parents to the second lot.

And, you sound utterly infantile. Im assuming a huge age difference here .

Becky36 · 20/04/2012 18:16

I just want to say this to you.

Think about how much you love your baby (know it isn't here yet). Think about how you want to put that child first, above everything. Think about what you would do to protect that child emotionally and physically. Think about how you would feel if someone hurt your child in any way whatsoever.

All those feelings you are having about your child that is not born yet is probably the way your DH feels about his children. If you continue with this hard line attitude I can guarantee that his feelings towards you will change and not in a good way. He divorced his ex, not his kids. And it is not their fault that you are in the situation you have chosen to be in.

Think about that.

timetochangeagain · 20/04/2012 18:17

this is absolutely a wind up - there is no way this is for real.