Step children staying overnight

[Lisa249]

At the moment my husbands 2 children aged 7 and 9 stay with us every other weekend. im currently 4 months pregnant. at the moment we are having to move house, but on the current market i struggling to find a house to cater my husbands office, new baby and 2 step children staying overnight every other weekend. Ive asked my husband if he can see is children once a week for the day instead of every other weekend and them staying overnight. My husband is adamant he wants the children to stay over night and doesnt agree with my suggestion. Im getting highly stressed looking for a house to cater for all his needs i.e his children, gym equipment and office. Do you think im being unfair in asking that the children dont stay over night? That way we will find a house quicker as we dont have to accomidate the children sleeping over.

I think the op's dh is being unreasonable in his attitude to having an office and room in the house for his gym equipment. Yes of course the children should stay overnight [bunkbeds in study area? Study becomes bedroom with computer in corner. Or computer in make shift understairs study? Computer in corner of living room/ main bedroom?]
Dh needs to stop being so selfish. Good luck Lisa.

Sorry, I missed the bit about the DP not wanting to lose overnights. That's good, though. He's their dad. He should be there for them.

So, OP:

1. Gym stuff goes
2. Office stuff is moved when SKs are with you
3. SKs have space to stay.

Deal?

Yabvvvvvvu!

ok i ve read all ur replies, im still not willing to accomidate children that we only see once a fortnight. My child will have a nursery set up b4 he/she is born, my child will be living here and therefore they get priority. I only intend to have my child in my room for the first few weeks as i feel they should be in their own room. (start as you mean to go on) Any mother would prioritise her own child, if you dont prioritise your own child before someone elses, then its your behaviour you need to look at and not mine. After reading all your posts, my mind hasnt changed, if my husband doesnt find a house to accomidate all his needs then im afraid having his children overnight will stop. Its also unfair for a child to sleep in the same room as a baby that is crying in the night.

YABVVU, almost everyone has told you that you musnt stop his children staying and you aren't listening. Why did you post - did you think for one second people would agree with you?

YABVU they are your DHs children and you need to accommodate them. To them it will look like you are pushing them out for the new baby. Get rid of the gum equipment.

Study/ gym equipment have to go/ be downsized. Think bunk beds Lisa.

Lisa,

I'm speaking to you as a mum and a step mum.

1. NEVER EVER apologise for putting your child first. It is what you were meant to do and yor SKs have a mum that is doing the same. So no problems.

1. Your DP wants to see his children overnight and I sense you don't have a huge problem with it (other than the space thing). So don't fight it.

1. Make it his problem. You need a room. Your DC needs a room. It's up to your DP to decide whether a gym or his kids is more important (I'm still struggling to see, if they are there 4 days a month how this isn't possible to share the space)

DO NOT take responsibility. DO NOT try to parent. DO NOT try to interfere.

Honestly, I think you are trying to do too much and getting crucified for it. NOT your problem.

But those children will be your child's siblings. Refusing to accommodate them will make them feel pushed out. Why would you do that?

Yanbu - you have has a lot of good suggestions here (chief of which is to get your dp to get real).

You need to face up to your responsibilities - dsc are part of your family. They will not stop visiting or needing their father when older . Whilst your focus is your child, you have to realist that you have a bigger family. Pushing your dsc out will not just harm them but also your dc as they are their family too.

It would break my heart to think of my dsc and dc being deprived of proper time with each other (and a weekly day visit is basically saying they aren't that welcome).

I am speaking from experience as have big dsc (who still have rooms and are always welcome ) and 2 younger dc.

You do need to rethink your attitude (as does dp) or it will harm your family. You may think not but it will corrode your dp relationship with his older children , your relationship with him, the environment your dc come into (and they are not too small to be affected) and ulitmately you and dp.

I think you'll find any real Dad would leave you before that would happen OP.

Agree that dp needs to make it his problem. The kids are more important than the gym.

oohlordylordy Fri 20-Apr-12 17:26:56
"But, *Cory, the OP's DP must be prioritising both his office and 'gym' before his kids. "

Absolutely. And noone is denying that the OPs dh is a twat. If we had him here, at the other end of an AIBU, we would make mincemeat of him.

But the question of this particular AIBU is whether the OP is BU in suggesting to her dh that they should solve the problem by giving his other children lowest priority. And the answer to that particular question is Yes, YABU. What she should be doing is pointing his twattishness out.

"Why should the OP simply say: One bedroom for DC and what you do with the rest is up to you?"

Because even pregnant women have some sort of responsibility to behave like decent human beings. The home is hers too, so she is part responsible for what kind of a place it is. If you connive at something that is wrong going on in your own home, you are part responsible. Dh still a twat, of course.

As an afterthough, I feel very uncomfortable with the idea that no common sense or ordinary human decency can be expected of a pregnant woman: how on earth can we then justify being allowed to work, some in responsible jobs, making decisions about other people, if pregnancy means you can't keep to any ordinary standards?

Many thanks for your support, i think your the only one on here who actually understands me. I wonder if all that have replied to this post actually have step children?

I think Lisa has a lot on her plate with a very inflexible dh. He need to 'step up' and compromise with his 'stuff' for the sake of ALL of his children.

Just seen you last post. You sound horrible your step children are part of your family. They are your DH's children and so is the new baby. All 3 are his children and equal provision should be made for all of them. Also the new baby will be your step children's half brother or sister.

Yep - 2 dsc and 2 young children so don't try the don't understand line on me Lisa

Lets hope your child never becomes a step-child then!
I was hoping this thread wasn't real but unfortunetly it is and there are two vunerable children out there somewhere that have a careless, selfish stepmonster!!
Dont go with a man with kids if you dont want baggage-now you have DEAL with it and accomodate them you heartless woman.
But with your attitude to his kids and his stuff i cant see him sticking around long anyway.
Grow a heart op

Aren't you slightly ashamed that your DH only sees his children once a fortnight?

Just get a house with a room that can be for his possessions - those pesky children and that gym equipment

But, by the way, if your DP really seriously chooses a gym over his kids... I'd be questioning the whole relationship.

Your step kids are still HIS KIDS. As much him as your child together. If he is prepared to abandon HIS kids, he is prepared to abandon YOUR child.

SOrry, but that's how it works.

Friday that may well be done to The dsc mother or school or live far away. Sometimes it can be difficult to get more access so I wouldn't judge dh or op by that.

Good grief, op. You really take the biscuit.

Yep and if wants a gym more than dsc space , I would have a huge warning sign of how he will be with your dc. I wouldn't fool myself that "it will be different with me"- cos if I had a pound for everyone I knew who had thought that and found out no , they are just shit I would be rich-.

Lisa249 Fri 20-Apr-12 17:31:40
"ok i ve read all ur replies, im still not willing to accomidate children that we only see once a fortnight. My child will have a nursery set up b4 he/she is born, my child will be living here and therefore they get priority. I only intend to have my child in my room for the first few weeks as i feel they should be in their own room. (start as you mean to go on) Any mother would prioritise her own child, if you dont prioritise your own child before someone elses, then its your behaviour you need to look at and not mine"

Don't forget that your responsibilities to your unborn baby isn't just about material things like getting a new nursery.

It is about his moral education- what kind of standards do his parents have?

It is about how safe he feels in his family- if he finds out that his dad was happy to dump his siblings when he was born, won't he grow up dreading the thought that one day he might get pushed out?

If he has a less close relationship to his half siblings- might that not mean missing out on closeness and support that could last well after you and your partner are gone?

I always saw prioritising my children as being about modelling the kind of standards that will be helpful to them in life.

Just get your DH to sort this all out.