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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Step children staying overnight

368 replies

Lisa249 · 20/04/2012 11:16

At the moment my husbands 2 children aged 7 and 9 stay with us every other weekend. im currently 4 months pregnant. at the moment we are having to move house, but on the current market i struggling to find a house to cater my husbands office, new baby and 2 step children staying overnight every other weekend. Ive asked my husband if he can see is children once a week for the day instead of every other weekend and them staying overnight. My husband is adamant he wants the children to stay over night and doesnt agree with my suggestion. Im getting highly stressed looking for a house to cater for all his needs i.e his children, gym equipment and office. Do you think im being unfair in asking that the children dont stay over night? That way we will find a house quicker as we dont have to accomidate the children sleeping over.

OP posts:
Rindercella · 20/04/2012 16:22

Ahh welcome back Lisa.

So your DP is not willing to compromise on his gym equipment but you think he might be willing to compromise on his DC? And you decided to have children with this man?

Your DP has equal responsibility for his two DC and for your unborn one. Something in your list of housing requirements is going to have to give. I sincerely hope it is not your stepchildren. You will be partly responsible for fucking up their lives...

Actually, think about them for a moment. They see their Dad a lot atm which is great. Not only are you planning to significantly change the arrangements they currently enjoy, they are also having to undergo huge amounts of change by having a half sibling foistered on them. Great way to make them feel really insecure.

SweetBabyJebus · 20/04/2012 16:31

What the fuck is wrong with a blow up mattress in the 'gym' and 'office' for the ONE NIGHT A FUCKING FORTNIGHT they come to stay with you...

Original poster
Lisa249 · 20/04/2012 16:35

My husbands children have half brother and sisters as they share the same mother but different father, and their mother is also expecting a new baby. My husband needs an office as he runs a business from home. I agree the gym needs to go, but try telling my husband that. Not all fathers have their children overnight, and yes i may sound like a horrible step mother but my main priority is my own unborn child. All im asking is that we just dont have them overnight. I dont think im being unreasonable at all. At the end of the day in the next 2-3years my step children wont want to stay with us as they will be wanting to play with their friends at the weekends, and yes the step children are different genders so its not ideal for them to be sleeping in the same room in the next year or so anyway.

OP posts:
SoupDragon · 20/04/2012 16:37

Well, you are being unreasonable. And selfish. And really rather nasty towards your step children.

2gorgeousboys · 20/04/2012 16:38

Threads like this make me so cross. DSS has always been welcome with us - even before we bought a house and we were staying with my parents in 1 bed room. DSS had our bed and we slept on the floor in the living room.

If your DH loves his children (which I hope for your sake he does as you are about to have a child with him) then he will do whatever it takes to not only make room for them but to make them feel wanted and that it is their home too.

We are a family of 4/5 when DSS (16) is here and have a small 3 bedroom house. DS1 (12) and DS2 (7) shared until recently when DS1 needed more space for himself so after discussion with DSS we moved DS1 into DSS's room and they decorated it together now DS1 has it 12/14 nights and when DSS is over DS1 moves in with DS2 and DSS has his room back.

mynewpassion · 20/04/2012 16:39

Well, until 2-3 years come when they don't want to spend it with your DH, you are stuck with them staying overnight. DEAL WITH IT!

Treblesallround · 20/04/2012 16:40

You are still being unreasonable. How do you know your step children won't want to stay in the next couple of years? However your dh is being even more unreasonable in insisting on his gym stuff. Something's got to give, and it shouldn't be the children. You have to do whatever it takes to make room for them.

Kladdkaka · 20/04/2012 16:40

Why does your child get priority?

Rindercella · 20/04/2012 16:41

Fine. YANBU in your mind. Every other poster on your thread begs to disagree with you though, without exception. Which although not unique is certainly a rare thing on here. Perhaps you should take that on board. Hth.

CheeseandGherkins · 20/04/2012 16:41

You are being VERY unreasonable

Hopandaskip · 20/04/2012 16:42

Holy cow, you actually asked this question out loud?!?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/04/2012 16:44

Your unborn child doesn't need a room right right now, nor will he/she for at least a year from now.

Your priorities are wrong, sorry.

Proudnscary · 20/04/2012 16:45

'I may sound like a horrible stepmother'

Yes you do. Either that or extremely naive or perhaps a bit slow.

I don't say that to be vicious actually (though your posts are making my blood boil) - I'm saying it through bitter experience.

Kids can so very easily feel rejected and alienated after divorce and their parents' new relationships, especially with a new baby on the way.

If they do not feel welcome and wanted for whatever reason they will turn that in on themselves. It can cause a lifetime of damage.

SmellsLikeTeenStrop · 20/04/2012 16:46

I wouldn't be too sure of that Lisa, my DCs are 15 and 13 and still look forward to sleeping over at their dads.

YABVU and I'm incredibly disgusted at your attitude. Do these poor kids mean anything to you?

destroyedluggage · 20/04/2012 16:46

I don't understand why people are jumping down the OP's throat.

SHE doesn't need an office in the house.
SHE doesn't need a gym in the house.

HER HUSBAND does.

People who are appalled at her "prioritising" the office and the gym over the children should learn to read. Those are the HUSBAND's children and the HUSBAND's priorities.

Yet it's her having to find the perfect house in a month.

Give her a sodding break.

I agree that the issue is not the kids sleeping over though. The issue is the husband who has a long list of needs but offers nothing by way of compromise. It's him who should get a grip.

GravyHadALumpyMashBaby · 20/04/2012 16:46

Then tell your 'D'H that HE has a month to find you a new home that accommodates all his children, his business and his gym then. I would be going to stay with a family member if he refused to compromise OR find the house himself.

But you reeeally do need to drop this notion of his children not staying overnight. I can't imagine only seeing my child once a fortnight, let alone not even being able to keep them overnight in that small access period!

thebody · 20/04/2012 16:47

I actually feel sick reading your post. , not all fathers have their children overnight' !what the fuck !!!!mmm yes love,fathers who stick around and care for their Kids do.

U both sound vile your dh needs to grow up and stop producing children that he clearly don't want or care a flying fuck for and come below gym equipment as a priority.

I actually think your attitude to your step children is so chillingly cold that you shouldn't have anything to do with them as you are a nasty piece of work.

You should both be ashamed of yourselves.

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/04/2012 16:48

Oh and as for Not all fathers have their children overnight - the half-decent ones do. Pretty much to a man.

There will be exceptions, but they are rare.

SerendipitousHarlot · 20/04/2012 16:50

I honestly can't believe that you see nothing wrong with what you're saying.

You are being completely unreasonable. These are his CHILDREN. Just as much as the child you are carrying, they deserve the right to be able to stay over with their dad.

Treblesallround has it spot on - You have to do whatever it takes to make room for them.

What about their mother? Do you not think she deserves the odd night off? You really are being incredibly selfish.

I have read the whole thread, but can't remember seeing anything you've said regarding your husband's opinion on this. Yes, he may want to keep his gym - but does he know that you're planning not to ever have them overnight? What does he think about that? Because, to my mind, if he agrees with you on that, he's a shit dad.

SoupDragon · 20/04/2012 16:51

"People who are appalled at her "prioritising" the office and the gym over the children should learn to read."

I can read perfectly well, thank you very much. Which means that I noticed that, in her OP, she had asked him not to have his children over night, not that he forgo the gyms/office. She chose to ask him to ditch the children.

007alert · 20/04/2012 16:51

I'm with thebody

Greeata · 20/04/2012 16:52

Are you sure your DH wants to move - he seems to be making unrealistic demands on the new house? What's wrong with him having an office/gym or using the dsc room as an office when his children aren't staying.

You don't need to stop dsc staying over, just be more imaginative with rooms.

Pandemoniaa · 20/04/2012 16:53

Your husband's attitude leaves a very great deal to be desired but YAB astonishingly U in supposing that you can parcel his children off when they cease to be convenient.

Also, it is a great mistake to assume that they'll conveniently disappear in 2/3 years either. Although actually, with your combined attitudes, it might well be that they would rather spend time in a house where they don't feel surplus to requirements.

You knew your husband had children when you got involved with him. Did you think they would just disappear?

JenaiMarrHePlaysGuitar · 20/04/2012 16:54

Exactly, Soupy. The OP has asked her husband to forego overnight stays. He is being unrealistic and unhelpful (assuming he's refusing to help in the house hunt - maybe the OP has taken it upon herself - we don't know)

But she's the one who doesn't want her step children to stay.

SerendipitousHarlot · 20/04/2012 16:54

By the way, I am a biological mum to 2 dc and I have a partner with 2 dc that stay with us every other weekend and 2 nights during every week. It's cramped when they're here, but we make do, like you HAVE to. That's what happens when you have a relationship with someone that already has children. Grow up and stop being so selfish Hmm