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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask DH to kern the amount of time he spends having a poo?

158 replies

Babylon1 · 19/04/2012 21:59

Honestly, he's made it into an art form and quite literally EVERYTHING he does is punctuated with a visit to the toilet, sometimes 5 minutes, sometimes upwards of an hour ?????

It really really pisses me off at times. Like tonight for example, DH are you ready to take me to the supermarket?? Yes dear I'll be two mins, just in the loo.......

We go shopping, we get back, DH can you please bring upstairs the 3 baskets of washing I have washed dried and ironed today? They're quite heavy and I'm 39+4....... Yes dear I'm just on the loo but I'll bring them up before workmate gets here to go through various quotes.......

20 mins later, ding dong...... Toilet flushes, DH let's in workmate.

It's ok DH, I've just changed a kingsize bed all by myself, I'll carry the washing up on my own now........ Grrrrrrrrr!!!!

Is this a man thing or just my man???? What I wouldn't give for 10-15 x 30 min toilet breaks every day (averaged out obviously)!!

OP posts:
solidgoldbrass · 20/04/2012 21:52

Well you could suggest to these men that you are finding it harder and harder to consider them sexually desirable, because every time you contemplate a shag your brain is filled with an image of them sat there on the throne, cock in hand, grunting and gurning and stinking and it kind of puts you off...

OAM2009 · 20/04/2012 21:59

@taxiforme - porcelain horse!!! I am sobbing with laughter and my DH is looking at me funny! That's really tickled me GrinGrinGrinGrinGrinGrin

Getting back to the thread, since getting his HTC phone, the time DH spends on the toilet has noticeably increased! He used to be in there up to 4 times a day for a poo (!!!) but for no more than 5 mins or so. I've now started timing him and one visit took 27 minutes, apparently cos there was a really interesting article about rugby on the BBC website. I imagine your DH is simply hiding from RL in the toilet with his iPhone as I do with my book

A friend of a friend refers tells her DH to stop stroking his little black penis when he's on his iPhone! Grin

nobodysbaby · 20/04/2012 22:14

DH wants you all to know that I am a lucky woman, since he is 'regular and expedient but not hasty'.

DartsAgain · 20/04/2012 22:53

DP is regular as clockwork every morning. 10 mins in the loo, job done, no books or any distraction allowed for anyone in there, he'll even ensure the kids do their business expediently.Grin DP also gets his own time to do things, so has never needed the bathroom for that.

The only rare exceptions are if he's got a bug, or eaten something that hasn't agreed with him, when he'll disappear and then come out walking gingerly.Grin

So I don't have the issues that you people have with your OHs, but I do sympathise.

LatteLady · 20/04/2012 23:15

Thank you all so much... I now have a plan for our offices. We have three loos, two male and one female and on occasion the boys use ours much to our chagrin. There is however one male who sits in the girlies for 30 mins in the morning and the same in the afternoon every sodding day, complete with his newspaper.

I think on Monday I will arrange for a group of the ladies to bang on the door to flush him out... no-one needs that amount of time unless suffering from a gastric incident... or do you think I should suggest this might be a good use of his BUPA cover to approach a begloved KY jelly doctor?

MrsMcEnroe · 21/04/2012 17:25

I'm just passing the laptop over to DH (he's the one who eats loads of protein, drinks loads of diet coke and poos for several hours per day WITHOUT the distraction of an iphone/ipad but with a newspaper if possible...)

Will come back and report what he says a bit later Grin

Astr0naut · 21/04/2012 17:32

You can't rush these things, according to DH.

Funny how I manage to when being watched by a toddler and screamed at by a baby.

Think Dh averages 3 or 4 a day. He reckons it's healthier to poo more often than not.

With a baby and just potty-trained toddler we're a bit obsessed with poo here. [sigh]

MrsMcEnroe · 21/04/2012 18:07

DH has read the thread.

He is quite chastened and has agreed to go to the doctor.

Thank you to the Poo Sisterhood / Crap Widows!!

Original poster
Babylon1 · 21/04/2012 18:28

You're very welcome MrsMcEnroe!!

Today has been a good day here and I don't think DH has skived off to the loo at all since his first thing in the morning ablution!!! Grin

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 21/04/2012 19:11

Babylon1 No labour twinges yet then? Smile I was cringing at the poster upthread who mentioned their DH blocking the loo in the delivery suite ....

Hebiegebies · 21/04/2012 19:27

This thread is fantastic
Can those of us with other members of our family showing similar traits have associate membership?
Mum can spend hours hidden, her choice of reading material is cross word books

Teapot13 · 21/04/2012 19:32

Can anyone top my DH watching a feature-length film in the loo while dinner was waiting?

For a while I used a system. As soon as he went in, I would note the time. After 15 minutes, he got a yellow card shoved under the door. After 30, a red card. It didn't help as much as I had hoped.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 21/04/2012 19:34

Nothing yet MrsM, seriously fed up now and just want this baby out!!

I had to cringe too at the delivery suite blockage Blush how embarrasing :(

Associate members welcome, I'm not naive enough to think it's just men who have this annoying trait - I'm sure there are as many women and children who do it too!!!

OP posts:
MrsMcEnroe · 21/04/2012 19:34

Teapot, if I did that to my DH he would claim that the pressure was giving him - erm - stage fright ....

MrsMcEnroe · 21/04/2012 19:35

Fingers crossed for twinges tonight then Babylon Smile and make sure your DH empties his bowels before bedtime in case he's needed to do an early-hours dash to the hospital .....

Original poster
Babylon1 · 21/04/2012 19:38

Funny you should mention that MrsM, he's just taken up his position on the porcelain horse!!!!
Now he's been out on his motorbike a lot of today with DD1, so I think he'll probably need to make up for missed time in the bathroom!!

OP posts:
cambridgeferret · 21/04/2012 19:45

My dad used to be in there for at least 30 minutes with either the Daily Mirror or (if he'd read that) the Nuneaton Tribune.
Looking back I'm amazed he found enough in the paper to occupy a 30 minute slot... maybe he read slowly.

The gold medal has to go to the chap who shared the same lodgings as me at University. I was warned by the landlady to "go before you come home" and found out why ... he went into the loo at 4.30 when he came home and emerged at 6pm for dinner.

Even when the landlord had a UTI and actually had an accident because he really couldn't wait the guy refused to come out of the bathroom. Nice that.

WhatTheHellJustHappened · 21/04/2012 19:53

Ladies, I'm guilty of this offensive behaviour myself. I have an iPhone and a kindle - both go in with me Grin I love that time to myself in the loo having a poo. Although I'll do this just once a day, not every hour.

LadyBeagleEyes · 21/04/2012 19:54

OMG this was my ex.
I think it is mostly a man thing, I also thought it was a Yorkshire thing as his dad was the same.
Going for a poo was an event, not a bodily function and they couldn't go without reading material. Even when we were on holiday my ex had to buy a newspaper before he went.
My ds thankfully is like me, in and out and no fuss.

OhdearNigel · 21/04/2012 19:58

Mine takes fricking ages (although not an hour). He has piles from straining. I have suggested that rather than trying to force it out he simply goes when he feels the need.

It has fallen on deaf ears. Obviously forcing his insides out is preferable

TrinityRhino · 21/04/2012 19:59

well I feel extremely lucky

dp usually takes about 10 minutes, shortly after his first coffee of the day

Grin
5Foot5 · 22/04/2012 00:45

Oh I have enjoyed this thread!

MrsMcEnroe and others who think DHs have a real problem - can I pass on a bit of pooing advice that might be useful? I read it many years ago in an old book of advice for growing girls but I still find it useful as a very fully grown one.

I keep a small foot stool in the toilet and when I go for a number two I put the stool right in front of the toilet and sit with my feet on it so that my knees are up somewhere near my chest. I find it much easier to go like that. I think it is something to do with the fact that it is simulating a squatting position which must, after all, be a more natural position for defecating than sitting with your legs dangling down off a porcelain seat. I am sure the relevant muscles work better in that position.

I find that if you sit in that position for just a few minutes everything sort of works itself out quite naturally!

ComposHat · 22/04/2012 00:55

Mine takes fricking ages (although not an hour). He has piles from straining. I have suggested that rather than trying to force it out he simply goes when he feels the need

If he can't give birth to the brown trout, why not do what the constipated mathematician did...work out the hard bits with a pencil.

SophieNeveau · 22/04/2012 01:37

I think it is a man thing to hang out in the toilet, why such a smelly germ ridden place I have no clue?

I don't think it is normal to go more than once or twice a day.

I think if they are going several times a day, are taking more than five minutes to push a poo out and are farting like mad, they have some issues that a GP needs to look into!

SophieNeveau · 22/04/2012 01:38

or they have a porn/wanking hobby going on!