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Original poster

To ask DH to kern the amount of time he spends having a poo?

158 replies

Babylon1 · 19/04/2012 21:59

Honestly, he's made it into an art form and quite literally EVERYTHING he does is punctuated with a visit to the toilet, sometimes 5 minutes, sometimes upwards of an hour ?????

It really really pisses me off at times. Like tonight for example, DH are you ready to take me to the supermarket?? Yes dear I'll be two mins, just in the loo.......

We go shopping, we get back, DH can you please bring upstairs the 3 baskets of washing I have washed dried and ironed today? They're quite heavy and I'm 39+4....... Yes dear I'm just on the loo but I'll bring them up before workmate gets here to go through various quotes.......

20 mins later, ding dong...... Toilet flushes, DH let's in workmate.

It's ok DH, I've just changed a kingsize bed all by myself, I'll carry the washing up on my own now........ Grrrrrrrrr!!!!

Is this a man thing or just my man???? What I wouldn't give for 10-15 x 30 min toilet breaks every day (averaged out obviously)!!

OP posts:
Alibabaandthe40nappies · 20/04/2012 07:32

I thought my DH was bad but he isn't in comparison with some of yours!

Pacific - I will tell him what your DH says, mine is sat in there reading Top Gear or on his phone generally so he could hurry up!!

JustHecate · 20/04/2012 07:35

If you are absolutely sure that he doesn't have a problem, then I suggest meeting poo fire with poo fire.

Choose the most inconvenient moments for a 'poo'. Be in there a long time. When he comes pleading with you to come out and help, say "sorry, am on the loo.

like you."

Perhaps the only way for him to understand the impact these lovely little time outs for him have on you - is for him to experience it.

But, like I say, only if you know for a FACT that he isn't actually going every time and hiding it from you by making out he's mucking about/skiving off/whatever, because he could have a problem that needs a doctor to take a look at.

CurrySpice · 20/04/2012 07:44

I am aghast at these stories!

I think a lot of these poo addicts know there's a problem because they are so touchy about the subject

Wheresmycaffeinedrip · 20/04/2012 07:55

Can I join please? :) I swear every time we need to leave the house for a bus or whatever, after being accused of me taking so long to get ready or that I'm getting in his way etc literally two mins before said bus is due he's straight into the loo. I have never known anyone have such appalling timing or lengthy poos. Crap widow membership granted????

ArcticRain · 20/04/2012 08:08

I have one here too ! In the mornings for about 30 mins, and when he gets home from work for 30 mins . More at the weekend , at times when things need doing . Also takes phone in there ! Because I'm on maternity leave so not in a rush , ive started leaving what needs doing for when he has finished .

My stepfather use to be the same , and my stepsons take ages too ! Do men poo differently , or is it the modern day version of the shed with a radio and secret bottle of whiskey my grandad and his cat use to have ?

Chundle · 20/04/2012 08:23

Simple cure here, when baby arrives you copy his behaviour when baby is screaming the house down! Ask dh to hold screaming baby while you go to toilet lock urself in for half hour with a good book. Bet he complains first time. Then you can tell him you don't appreciate it when he does it!

diddl · 20/04/2012 08:33

"I think I'm just jealous of the time alone he gets behind a locked door!!!"

Remove the key.

We didn´t have a key when our children were young, & they would regularly walk in to talk to Daddy about their day/sit on his knee.

That stops the taking advantage of the peace!

spg1983 · 20/04/2012 15:22

My DH used to take 30-60 minutes when he went to the toilet for a number 2. However, he didn't go lots of times per day so I guess it wasn't as bad as some of the stories on here and I don't think he took a book or was trying to hide from me. Anyway, after a few exasperating times when we needed to leave the house and were late, and one very embarrassing time when we were in the O2 arena with 5 other members of his family and all of us had to wait 45 minutes for him to 'do his business', I sat him down and talked to him about it seriously.

At first, he just said that it actually took him that long to do a poo, which was not true. He then admitted that he visits the loo when he feels that it's either time that he 'should' do a poo (i.e. a certain number of hours after the previous one) or when he's got a spare hour and it's convenient - because he'd "have to go at some point so why not now?". He'd literally sit there and strain one out just because he felt that it was either too long since the last one or he was worried that he wouldn't have time to go later. When I explained that he could hurt himself doing that and would eventually (possibly) have real issues with pooing, he agreed to just go when he actually felt he needed to, i.e. when his body was actually ready. Since then, he spends 10 minutes max. in the loo.

After talking about it, we got onto this topic with his mum, who remembered that when DH was little, he had a really embarrassing episode at school where he'd not got to the loo in time and had messed himself in front of the class. All 3 of us now think that maybe he was subconsciously trying to ever avoid that situation happening again (even though it realistically wouldn't!) by making sure that his bowels were always empty, no matter how long it took. Felt quite sorry for him actually but things are all good now - bless him!

MrsBethel · 20/04/2012 15:46

Bloody smartphones.

nothingbyhalves · 20/04/2012 16:09

My DH has the same problem! It must be epidemic! It happens to him in the morning when we are rushing to sort out the kids and get ourselves ready for work. He will disappear for 20 mins. With his kindle, iphone or book. It usually results in him running late and being short tempered. I have told him to get up 20 mins earlier to make time for his poo. Like others dh his diet is mainly protein and he drinks a ridiculous amount of diet coke. Have decided its "his" time and to just choose your battles etc.....

ComposHat · 20/04/2012 19:38

With men it is a very different mindset when it comes to having a poo.

For women it is a purely functional thing to be got over and done with, with the minimum of fuss. For men it is a leisure activity in itself.

I like to take it steady - a good 20 minutes to half an hour - read a book, pick my nose or just take the time to contemplate my kneecaps.

It is like the opposite of a haircut - for men a dull neccesity, for women something to look forward to.

rhondajean · 20/04/2012 19:45

My dad is like this.

My DH is the quickest pooer I have ever met.

Dd1 has to leave the table almost every meal time to "clear a space"Envy

SpaghettiTwirlerAndProud · 20/04/2012 19:54

My DP is the same. One time he went up for a shower, I was sat downstairs wondering why the frigg the shower had been going for nearly an hour!!! I went upstairs to check he hadn't actually slipped and broke his neck or something. Opened the bathroom door to see him sat completly starkers, bone dry and sat on the loo reading his phone Angry and he wonders why the bloody gas bill is always so high!

NorthernChinchilla · 20/04/2012 19:55

Mine refuses to poo at work, so saves it all up for home...

And then disappears for a good 20 minutes. He has his library of PC Games magazines in there.

But what is worse is that he uses- absolutely no exaggeration- at least half a roll of paper each poo. We have dodgy plumbing in this house and he's already blocked the loo up twice. I have reached the point, after berating him and telling him it's not normal, of wanting to lock away the toilet paper and hand him a set number of sheets per visit to the loo.

Which is equally not normal, but it's what I have been reduced to.

Wrongmoreoftenthannot · 20/04/2012 19:55

Sounds like we have a quiche........

BoFo · 20/04/2012 20:02

Can I have a lifetime membership to the poo widow's club please? I can supply many examples and wil gift aid subscription :0)
The length of time in the bathroom and frequency of visits does my fucking head in!
Whilst having our little boy dh actually managed to block the toilet in the delivery suite so that it flooded, he used it so often.
Things have not improved. I thought it took aged to get kids ready and out of the house but we're stood by the door most
monings, coats on waiting for dh. Grrrrr.

I'm trying not to dwell too much on he 'loss of anal tone' thing, I fear this will add to the problem :0)

rhondajean · 20/04/2012 20:09

Honestly, my DH gets up, has a cup of coffee, pops into the loo and is done before I get my contact lenses in most times.

He does sometimes take his phone with him but he admits he's just taking five minutes to play with it!

He gets traumatised if his poo isn't "easy" bless him. Can I suggest you all up the fibre in the family diet (stewed prunes ought to do it!)

theinets · 20/04/2012 20:13

Maybe some of the time is spent masturbating in the toilet. 2 hours is a long time to defacate every day.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 20/04/2012 20:57

Well having spoken to DH and letting him read this thread, he's freely admitted that it's a habit!

He likes to sit on the porcelain horse and contemplate!! He says some of his bestest plans have been formulated there too!!

So I've just sort of pointed out that he is taking the piss a bit by punctuating EVERYTHING with a stint on the bog and actually he really needs to think about how long he's spending in there and how much it does wind me up!!

I've also pointed out that we have mutual friends who have noticed and my parents - he disappears at their house quite often too and my mum worries about her septic tank as it is!!

So we'll see!!! Wink

OP posts:
WhereYouLeftIt · 20/04/2012 21:07

Sounds like your DH needs less thinking, more doing.

TheTeaPig · 20/04/2012 21:14

Turn off wifi
tiny amount of loo roll Grin
Increase fibre in diet
works for me

goodmum123 · 20/04/2012 21:22

Thank you mumsnetters for absolutely cheering me up! I'm absolutely wetting myself at some of the comments ( not shitting).

I need to join this widow group to. If occurs four five times a day for thirty mins and always when there's a nappy change due or food to be cooked.

He says it gives him thinking time, hd even takes calls on there as that's where 'business' (hehe) can be done.

Again thank you for a fantastic thread, laughing so much on what was a miserable evening that I have tears running down my face x

FuriousRox · 20/04/2012 21:28

I'm shocked that I've never thought of taking DH's iphone off him before he goes to the loo. He takes AGES, like 20-40 minutes, thankfully only once a day but it really really annoys me because I'm sure it can't be necessary. Also, I'm sure he can't possibly take as long during week days when he's in the office as he does at the weekend. So this crap widow is going to take action tomorrow and ban the iphone. Bring it on.

margoandjerry · 20/04/2012 21:40

dear Lord - you live and learn. Who knew this was a thing?

These men are poo-hobbyists.

Original poster
Babylon1 · 20/04/2012 21:44

Happy to have "met" some other crap widows!! This thread has too made me lol!!!

Action points to be considered:

turn off wifi when DH enters bathroom
ensure only 3 squares of loo roll in bathroom at any one time - one up, one down and one to polish Wink
remove key from lock, and allow DDs to disturb DH at their will!

Hmmm, that will sort it then!!!! Grin

OP posts: