Have namechanged to tell my story. Maybe that shows I'm a coward, I don't know.
I've been having an affair with a married man for three years now, on and off. When we met, I was married to my emotionally abusive husband. I'm not going to go into the details of my marriage, because I would sound like I was trying to justify myself, and I'm not. I'm past all that.
When I met my Godknowswhat, I was at such a low ebb, and didn't even realise. I was on anxiety meds, had suffered depression on and off for years, had no confidence, zero self-esteem etc etc.
My Godknowswhat made a play for me. He admits that. He is a serial adulterer, he admits that. He wanted a bit of fun, I was in no way interested and told him so. But...but. His attention made me feel like a million dollars, and it showed. I dropped about five years off my face.
The problem was...despite the fact he is much older than me, not exactly a pretty guy and married...we clicked. We just get on. We understand each other, we make each other laugh, and feel at home with each other. We fell in love. He says he got more than he bargained for when he met me.
We had an emotional affair that lasted a year. We didn't have sex. We just talked constantly - and I mean constantly. Technology definitely has a lot to answer for. I've said this to him lots of times - 'bloody email, now look where I am.'
We more or less took it in turns to end it until I took a deep breath, ended it 'once and for all' 
and told my husband the truth. I really thought that would make me see sense, see what I had risked and make me recommit to my marriage.
Nope. I was completely bereft for a year. My husband and I went into counselling - knowing there was another man on the horizon made him finally (after three years of begging) agree to this and to other changes that were too little too late.
We struggled on like this for a year, and I was grieving. I have grieved, so I use that term advisedly. For months I used to pull into laybys and sob. I thought about him constantly. I mean constantly. When I couldn't stand it any longer I found my OM again, and we rekindled the affair. He'd been just the same - without prompting he'd tell me things he'd thought and things he'd done during that year, and it was uncanny. I know how all this sounds, it's making me cringe to write it, imagining how this will be received.
We saw each other for another year, still without having sex, just constant contact. The first time I met him after a year apart we just sat on a park bench and talked non-stop for three hours. We're mates, above all else.
Eventually, I found the strength to end my marriage. My affair was an exit affair, I realise that. But it seems to be sticking. We are having sex now.
My Godknowswhat is never going to leave his wife. He has told me that. I don't actually think I want him to.
He does still have sex with her, but not often.
He never has a bad word to say about her.
He says he feels terrible about betraying her, and so do I. Dreadful. But where he is concerned, I'm selfish.
I wait for my chickens to come home to roost, constantly. When a bad thing happens to me, I shrug and think, 'karma'.
I want to be a good person, and do the right thing. Like I used to be. But that person ended up so miserable for so long, on beta blockers, depressed, miserable - nobody gave a damn that I was so lost, as long as I was behaving 'properly'. I'm still waiting for my medal.
I know what I'm doing is wrong and foolish. I know I'm going to end up bitter and lonely. I know I'm probably propping up his marriage, some kind of third wheel. Or destroying it slowly, which would be even worse.
I read threads on here about affairs, and just hate myself for being the Devil everyone hates. I want to be that strong person who can say "I won't be second best to anyone".
But I love him. That old cliche of the Other Woman. I just do.
I hate myself sometimes. But when I'm with him, it's worth it.
I'm not this person, really. I was one of the good guys. This affair has made me very cynical. If I can do this, anyone can, so I trust no-one any more.
It's a mess.
But I love him.
Does that make me a cunt?
I guess in most peoples' eyes...yes.
