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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think that people having affairs

289 replies

InappropriateCrushes · 19/04/2012 13:19

Is very very rife. Made so much easier with social networking sites, mobiles and email.

People I know, friends, friends of friends, colleagues, everybody is at it, or at least flirting, or sexting, or on the brink of something they shouldn't be.

It's not right, I know, I'm not saying it is. On the relationships forum there are so many threads from heartbroken women whose partners have cheated, but it got me wondering; who are they cheating with? That someone could be you or me. We're naice girls, it doesnt make us evil or detestable, does it?

OP posts:
NurseJennyLee · 19/04/2012 13:52

Sara that's really depressing about your male colleagues. What sort of industry do you work in? I assume some are worse for it than others.

exexe · 19/04/2012 13:54

There was one woman at our playgroup who was having an affair. She would come along wearing low cut tops so we could all see her love bites Hmm
She used to be quite open about it and put her husband down all the time. She would try to get other mums to look after her son so she could visit her lover.
An engaged girl at work was shagging her married boss.

Those are the only people I've known to be having affairs. None of my friends or their husbands have as far as I know.

MissLofPubia · 19/04/2012 13:55

I wouldn't do it and I'm not even naice!

Agincourt · 19/04/2012 13:55

As the daughter of parents who both had affairs, I don't think the satisfaction of the excitement would in any way compensate for the hurt caused to my partner and children.

SeaHouses · 19/04/2012 13:56

I don't think not having an affair is just because of morality and compassion. I'm also not having an affair because it would be a massive hassle and I can't see what enjoyment there is to be had in it.

FluffStar · 19/04/2012 13:59

Agree, it's terrible. Most of the couples I have known since my early twenties have had problems (ESP on social media) with fidelity. If not cheating then inappropriate messages, texting exes, drunkenly getting phone numbers etc etc and I'm not 100% that all of the partners know or at least know the full story. I've also had approaches made on me by someone who knew I was married and was also married himself.

It's made so easy these days and unfortunately some people aren't strong enough to resist.

pinktrees · 19/04/2012 13:59

I think that what's made it easier is the ability to contact people via instant written communications - text, facebook, email etc. You can write something vaguely suggestive without embarrassment whereas you might not have done that in person/on the phone. Then the recipient can choose whether to pick it up or just ignore it. Easier to start naughty relationships.

Also I believe it is a fact that if you are in an envirnonment where many people are cheating, it normalises the behaviour and makes you yourself more susceptible to cheating. Even if you swear blind that you would never cheat.

Personally, having been cheated on when my kids were baby and toddler, I absolutely despise people who are having affairs and refuse to have anything to do with them.

tinkertitonk · 19/04/2012 13:59

I count only 30 people so far who have felt the need to deny having affairs. Maybe the other 29,970 mumsnetters are off shagging each others' husbands?

SaraBellumHertz · 19/04/2012 13:59

I was a city lawyer. My general feeling is that the industry is populated by men who didn't get much of a look in with women in their 20's then get a bit of status and success, a sharp suit and a bit of cash and suddenly they find theyre something of a 'catch'. Seriously every bloody one of them!

Toughasoldboots · 19/04/2012 14:01

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

oooohhhhyes · 19/04/2012 14:06

I hate affairs because I grew up in broken home with a shagalot dad. I would never have an affair and I scorn the excuses of those who do, it's all the same old crap that's been spouted for years. I want to shout at them, he won't ever leave her, she DOES understand him (and probably wishes for escape but can't manage it coz of kids, money etc), and if she hasn't slept with him for years, that's probably a) untrue or b) for a reason.

However, I do know a lot of people in our village who are at it. It seems to be more prevalent at the mo - but whether that's because I actually notice it now, living in a village, whereas in London it's not under your nose?

FluffStar · 19/04/2012 14:09

Sara that's similar to what my DH think about Facebook etc.

When you are fairly young and fairly attractive and go to bars etc opportunity is always present. Then you get a bit older and settle down, perhaps marry and have children and opportunity in the form of attention from the opposite sex, nights out etc has usually removed itself and that's where social media comes in. He refuses to use it as he's seen the problems it has caused people we know.

redrubyshoes · 19/04/2012 14:10

I work in a very male dominated industry and am pretty invisible being middle aged and dumpy and the men do forget I am there and talk openly.

Over the last two years I have had married collegues talk openly of one night stands, threesomes (with a female colleague), three marriage break ups (due to affairs), one colleague has an OW that he sees during the week and then goes home to wife and child at weekend.

When they work abroad on contracts several of them spend evenings in the local lap dancing clubs.

I once went out for a beer with a group of them and they forgot totally that I was there. One of them who has always professed to me his undying love for his girlfriend said "Let's go to The Red Lion next where the slappers hang out and cop off".

When one of them leaves the others always hire a stripper for him.

One is about to move in with his girlfriend - he goes on 'golfing' weekends with the lads - he is actually shagging other women in between rounds of golf.

All of these men are educated to degree standard or higher (not that has anything to do with it really).

I really do despair and yep I am very cynical now which I really do not like.

2ombie5layer · 19/04/2012 14:11

I count only 30 people so far who have felt the need to deny having affairs. Maybe the other 29,970 mumsnetters are off shagging each others' husbands?
Or maybe they haven't replied or even read this thread?

I dont cheat and never have, but then again Ive only ever been in one relationship.

On the relationships forum there are so many threads from heartbroken women whose partners have cheated
Well Im not about to start a thread about how my DH has not cheated. They just need support from others who have been through it so it will seem like there is a lot.

I dont know anybody who has cheated or been cheated on, then again I dont know a lot of people anyway.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 19/04/2012 14:14

My very STBEX dickhead had an affair, she knew he was married with 3 DC, but she'd just left her 3rd husband and obviously didn't give a shit about me. I am very hurt, I would never, ever had had an affair. If the marriage wasn't working and you feel the need to go elsewhere, end the marriage first. It was the complete destruction of my confidence and trust that has been the hardest to bear. He left as soon as I found out and now lives with her.

I'm sorry, but you are not naice, you are detestable.

knowitallstrikesagain · 19/04/2012 14:16

On the bereavement forum there are lots of posts from people who have sadly lost someone. Doesn't mean that everyone, or even the majority of people will lose a loved one before their time.

Agree with 2ombie, I think there are lots of people who are boring happy like me and we only hear about the cheaters.

porcamiseria · 19/04/2012 14:19

ellen

it really annoys me when (on MN !) women are told not to vent anger on the OW as "its the EXH fault"

bollocks to that! anyone that fucks with someone coupled up, male or female, deseves a slapping. morally repugnant IMO

thats my view anyway

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 19/04/2012 14:22

I have never met her, but when she becomes my darling boys stepmother, what am I supposed to do? What if she gets invited to their weddings, etc. It's all still very raw, but I'm never going to be able to do small talk.

porcamiseria · 19/04/2012 14:25

ignore her
that is your right, you do NOT have to engage with her, ever. and you make this crystal clear, you deal with EXH ONLY . alot of people will back you up on this, trust me!
you dont have to do anythinhg you dont want, and that is 100% OK xx

cross the wedding brdge when you get to it

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 14:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 19/04/2012 14:32

Thank you porcamiseria. Do you know, I don't know anyone who is having an affair, none of my friends are even divorced. It has been a real shock, I thought we had a rock solid marriage. I can't understand the mentality of anyone who has an affair. Is it really worth all the pain and misery it causes others?

porcamiseria · 19/04/2012 14:34

sadly no, but as the wise man said "shit happens"
and it does, be it affairs, cancer, sudden death

good luck ellen, keep proud in yourself and I really hope you can get through this
and he goes bankrupt and she gets disfiguring skin disease, on her face

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 19/04/2012 14:40
Grin
TalHotBlond · 19/04/2012 14:41

I would be devastated if my husband cheated and I would never cheat on him but if I'm completely honest, this is probably only the second relationship I've ever had in which I've felt like this.

FreudianSlipper · 19/04/2012 14:45

of course it has been made easier, people start chatting the flirting starts adn many get carried away, they may not have started with that intention and it is so much easier than having to go out and make an effort to meet someone

maybe many of us are not suited to only having sex with one partner and our expectations are too high and i do beleive that many women now that they have sexual freedom are wanting to enjoy it more sex withh more partners

i know quite a few people who have casual sex outside their relationship and those who have had real affairs (myself included, a cunt to some but there are far worse things i could do). also know that the rates of men using escort services has shot up in recent years, now i am quite sure they are not all hiring them becuase they feel lonely and need to chat