To think that people having affairs

[InappropriateCrushes]

Is very very rife. Made so much easier with social networking sites, mobiles and email.

People I know, friends, friends of friends, colleagues, everybody is at it, or at least flirting, or sexting, or on the brink of something they shouldn't be.

It's not right, I know, I'm not saying it is. On the relationships forum there are so many threads from heartbroken women whose partners have cheated, but it got me wondering; who are they cheating with? That someone could be you or me. We're naice girls, it doesnt make us evil or detestable, does it?

For those asking about older children, I was an adult when I found out my dad had been having an affair & it has completely devastated me. It wrecked my head for a long time & if I hadn't already been married, don't think I ever would have & my poor DH has had to put up with a lot because of it.

My dad was amazing when we were growing up & I still can't believe he had an affair. I now think that if he can have an affair, anyone can & therefore have lost a little bit of trust in my DH despite him not having been anything other than great & never giving me cause to question a thing! I also wonder if my childhood was as great as I thought or if he was a liar & cheat, just never got caught! It really has made me question everything that I thought to be true & it's utterly horrible. It has also been devastating to see the fall out for my mum who didn't see it coming & has had her whole world turned upside down following 30 years of marriage.

For those having affairs, it is devastating - black & white or not - & if people aren't happy they should work on that either together or separately but not go looking for someone else without showing respect to their DP.

Lequeen your story is very sad. I have read your posts over the years and it sound as if you had an idyllic childhood - to have that shattered when you were 13 must have been horrific. I can completely understand your point of view.

I think there are shades of grey in many areas, but then again I have never been adversely affected by people having affairs. My XP slept around but by the time I found out about it I was so sick of him anyway it was a relief more than anything.

I really hope that I am not the kind of person who would have an affair. But I do see that if someone is in a shitty relationship in the first place, someone else may give them the impetus to leave.

See, I think all this talk about shitty or unhappy relationships is yet another myth that's taken hold. It's as popular with those having affairs and excusing them, as it is with those blissfully unaffected who think it could never happen to them. Again, the people I know are at least honest about this. Their affairs didn't happen because they were 'unhappy' but because an opportunity came up for some fun and they just couldn't resist.

There are some brilliant posts on here especially from leQueen and am very grateful for this thread.

It has cleared up some issues for me particularly as I have struggled to find much in the way of discussion or help anywhere about older children and their reactions. My childrens father was incredibly absent to them in the 3 years he was having his affair. As absent to them as he was to me. They struggle with that. They dont believe he loved them and sadly neither do I although I wouldnt make comment to them either way.

My son of 24 was telling me recently that his friends cant believe that he has no contact with his father any more and that he doesn't care. He told me that he used to text or email his dad about things and he wouldnt even reply. I can remember his dad coming in (no doubt from OW's bed) on his sons birthday and I asked if he had called him to wish him Happy Birthday. He hadnt. It got to 10pm and I said please ring. At that stage he did, but I could see he really didnt want to.

Thats what affairs do to people. They destroy families and destroy lives. I have 3 children who dont have contact with their father. Their father is now with a woman who is only 3 years older than his oldest child.

Oh and for the record their father blames me for the non relationship he has with his children. A whole year before I finally had irrefutable evidence of the affair I asked my stbx for a divorce. The marriage was in terminal decline. It was obvious but he wouldn't listen, he wouldnt discuss it or do anything about it. He had every opportunity at the point to walk away. He had the OW, but hadnt been found out. He could have made things very easy for himself. He could have even made out at that point it was what I want and not what he wanted. Instead he opted to blow all our lives apart.

I am happier now than I have been in many years. I cant say my children are the same. It is very hard to help them.

"I find it impossible to believe that the children aren't subjected to tensions, awful atmospheres, stressed and depressed parents, parents behaving erratically, overhearing arguments and witnessing distressing behaviour from their parents on a daily basis."

Yes my now ExH for 10 months before we separated whilst he conducted his sordid affair behaved erratically, was often angry when home and would disappear for long stretches with no explanation, leaving me to cope with a baby and a toddler. There was an awful atmosphere and I didn't know what to do, as I was trying so hard to be a good wife and fix everything, as well as look after 2 young children. I was diagnosed with depression after the affair came out. It was distressing for the children as the marriage imploded and with the sudden move and no daddy living with us. And I did my very best to minimise the impact but there is still one, no doubt about it

For anyone that has coped well with a parent's infidelity as a child/young adult, that is good, and commendable. However that is one perspective and a valid one. However when you are the parent of children whose family home has been destroyed by a parent's infidelity, and you witness directly the immediate pain it inflicts on your children it is a different story. I have tried to minimise the impact it has had on my 3ds and think they are ok now. They see their dad regularly and are too young to understand his infidelity so it hasn't been discussed. The night my xh left he told them I had thrown him out and they'd never see him again. My 8 yr old went hysterical, he pulled curtains down and it took me hours to calm him down. i had to lock the doors in case he ran out. Meanwhile my x swanned off oblivious to this swearing at me because I had found him out.

I fail to see how an affair can be anything but selfish with kids involved, many people end up financially struggling and move to a smaller house further from kid's friends and school. Inevitably they are exposed to parents arguing, crying and struggling even if its temporary. It also hurts the wider family and circle of friends as well. I don't know how all this can be disregarded when a partner cheats.

Luckily my 12 yo with SN and 9 yo DSs are coming through the divorce process quite well. My 14 yo, however, is old enough to understand infidelity and he's found the whole thing the most difficult to deal with. He still loves his dad and wants to see him but he has lost any respect for or trust in him. He can't understand why STBEX is being so vile towards me, TBH, neither can I. The poster who talked about children's belief being shattered in this role model who had taught them morals and right from wrong, really resonated with me. My DS1 has seen me in tears, after getting another solicitors letter or having to talk to STBEX. None of which he should have to deal with at 14.

I missed that post EllenJane. It so true and so very sad.

It is also about children seeing their mothers treated without respect. No child should see that and when it comes from their father, it is a huge burden to face.

I see an affair as one of many forms of bad behaviour. Children see parents behave badly all the time, sometimes it is rows & arguments, sometimes it is undermining sniping, sometimes it is one partner watching the other flog their guts out, whilst the other contributes very little & sometimes parents split up & sometimes a parent has an affair. How adults deal with this has an impact on children - some adults take responsibility for their bad behaviour & do their best to put it right or make it better & others don't.

Every single thing a parent does had an aspect on their DCs lives - an affair doesn't have to be a ruining deal breaker.

spring your DH sounds as though he was a thoroughly disinterested parent with or without the affair.

I agree with the OP, it is much easier to cheat, to overstep the mark. A lot of unhappy relationship threads start with an adult site, facebooking or texting. And I don't think the same people would be meeting or calling people in the same scale.

I know of only one person who has been unfaithful whilst in a relationship , no actually make that two , the first person did it and felt dreadful , ashamed and disgusted with herself , the second person is still at it to a certain degree .
Neither of them used social networking sites .
Bizzarely the two people mentioned above are still together !

ComposHat Fri 20-Apr-12 23:33:53
"Is it the affair that does the damage to children or the fact that the parent leaves the family home? "

Can't answer for everybody but in the cases I knew, the parent didn't necessarily leave the home; in my friend's case, the marriage survived, in the sense that they were old-fashioned people who did not envisage a divorce. The damage to the child was done by finding out that the father who had brought her up to believe in honesty and responsibility and all those things was not practising those virtues in his own life. She found out for herself, so nothing to do with recriminations from the mother.

In another case, the children were dealing well with a split-up until they found out details that meant they could no longer respect their father-again, because he had deliberately and clearly lied both to them and to their mother.

In all cases I know of, it was deceit that hurt: so don't know if open-ended marriages would have done the same damage.

Oh yes, that is an often neglected point - the impact on family and friends.

When told that my husband had walked out on me, my 3yo and 1yo, my adult (25yo) brother collapsed on the floor in tears at my house and my SIL was desperately trying to console him. Very unlike him - but absolutely cut him to the core because it dredged up our own parents' divorce and he was horrified at the home of his beloved niece and nephew (still virtually babies) being broken.

Wish H and OW could have seen the devastation they caused. Pure evil, the pair of them.