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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think that people having affairs

289 replies

InappropriateCrushes · 19/04/2012 13:19

Is very very rife. Made so much easier with social networking sites, mobiles and email.

People I know, friends, friends of friends, colleagues, everybody is at it, or at least flirting, or sexting, or on the brink of something they shouldn't be.

It's not right, I know, I'm not saying it is. On the relationships forum there are so many threads from heartbroken women whose partners have cheated, but it got me wondering; who are they cheating with? That someone could be you or me. We're naice girls, it doesnt make us evil or detestable, does it?

OP posts:
Tryharder · 19/04/2012 14:50

It's not prevalent in my social circle but I lead a boring life.

BUT, to all your posters who say that anyone who targets a married man is detestable - it's really not that simple. I had an affair with a married man when I was much younger and yet, I am thought of as a kind, nice, fairly soft-hearted person. It didn't occur to me at the time to even give much thought to the DW; it wasn't personal at all - if that makes sense. OWs are portrayed on here as women who purposefully and spitefully go around looking for married men to entrap - that is not the reality and I think that is what the OP is trying to say.

And before anyone flames me, the affair ended badly, not in my favour, I ended up in counselling and ended up changing jobs and moving away. You could say that I learned my lesson well and I certainly wouldn't contemplate an affair now.

titfortat · 19/04/2012 14:50

In my circle of friends, I have never known anyone to cheat.

The misters friends, 2 of which had affairs. In absolutely unforgivable circumstances and i am glad he doesn't no longer associate with one, and the other one he ever barely sees now either.

I do think more and more people cheat of late, but i don't believe it is as common as most think. And it certainly doesn't make it right.

And as for the other woman/man, they are just as low.

Respect is important, and in these situations, neither the one having the affair, or the other woman/man, have any for the innocent parties, or have any self respect in my opinion.

PostBellumBugsy · 19/04/2012 14:53

I am divorced and I internet date & the number of married men on there is shocking - so yes, I agree that social media has made it easier for people to have affairs.

I work with a number of people who had affairs, left their wives & are now married to the OW. My ex-H, had an affair & left me for the OW, who he has been married too for 6 years now. I have a number of friends whose H's have left them for the OW they had the affair with too.

I also know a couple of married men who are having affairs but have no intention of leaving their wives.

What surprises me most of all, is the myth that persists that people who have affairs are somehow serial shaggers or scarlet women. And the other fantasy that I hear spouted on here so often that "when a man marries his mistress a vacancy opens up". I think it would do no harm for women to wise up and realise that affairs happen way more often than they think.

Make sure you have your own bank account, have a thought to your career if you are a SAHM and never be complacent. Call me an old cynic, but marriage is not for life anymore

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 19/04/2012 14:55

Either 'targeting' a married person, or 'falling' for one, there is always a completely innocent other half who could get badly hurt. Married people should be completely off limits, there is really no excuse.

MissFaversham · 19/04/2012 14:55

I know a fair few who have cheated and there is usually one common denominator - for whatever reason they don't have much respect for themselves therefore how can they have any for others. Sad

Hullygully · 19/04/2012 14:57

I have had many many affairs. What I have learnt is that it's best to use a false name.

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 19/04/2012 14:57

PBB, I was that complacent SAHM. Sad

GrahamTribe · 19/04/2012 15:00

PostBellunBugsy, good post. There's a whole culture of "he'll never leave his wife" Hmm "he's shagged someone else, she must have the pox", on MN which is not representative of life in the real world. The viewpoint on here is incredibly black and white. And, fwiw, I'm not surprised that no-one has come along to "admit" Hmm that they've had an affair, they know they'll be rounded on and in all likelihood insulted and bullied.

porcamiseria · 19/04/2012 15:01

tryharder

but you were alot younger right? In all fairness alot of us make mistakes when young, I might well have in my youth.

But aged my age (not yet 40!) with children. If I found myself single again I would be very uncomfortable about embarking on affairs with married men.
I might have had silly fumbles whenh I was a 22 year old TWAT (and I was..)

Thats the difference maybe ??

EllenJaneisnotmyname · 19/04/2012 15:02

She doesn't have the pox, but that doesn't stop me wishing it on her.

porcamiseria · 19/04/2012 15:05

graham

you are right, not everyone is a a devil! I think we all know that.

but we also know the pain that it causes, for the OH, for the children. whatever anyone says, parents splitting up fucks children up

so I think a zero tolerance policy is probably for the best!

osterleymama · 19/04/2012 15:11

I have dumped a close female friend because of her affair with a married man. She was unashamed and I was disgusted by her selfishness. Nice people think about other people and don't see others pain as an inconsequential so long as their own desires are met.

PostBellumBugsy · 19/04/2012 15:13

zero tolerance is fine - as long as it is backed up by a realistic understanding that alot of people have affairs.

My eyes are about as wide open as they can be, following my own H's affair and my subsequent rejoining of the dating world.

I was much more black & white before - but I can see that usually situations are more complicated and have greater shades of grey than I would have initially thought. My H's affair was 9 years ago now, so I've had a lot of time to get perspective!

IsSamNormansDad · 19/04/2012 15:14

I don't think it's always so black and white tbh. There's at least two threads on MN just now (one in chat about unwritten letters, and another in relationships, can't link properly as using my phone). Having an affair is a detestable act, but it doesn't always mean those involved are cunts!

FreudianSlipper · 19/04/2012 15:14

Sara i have to agree with you about men getting a bit of status (worked in the city too, yes its rife)

i will admit i have been the ow, had an affair and been cheated on. my feelings and those of others have been hurt and of course i regret that very much . i also know that when i had an affair i had no respect for how my partner felt, i still loved him very much (and yes you can still love your partner) felt terrible guilt but the pull of excitment was overwhelming it was that simple we had fantastic sex.

FondleWithCare · 19/04/2012 15:16

I'm not sure whether social networking is making people have affairs that they wouldn't otherwise have, I do think it's making it easier to find out about affairs that would otherwise have always been kept secret.

None of my friends have cheated or been cheated on that I know of. One married colleague talks regularly about the one night stands that he has, he got another woman pregnant while his wife was pregnant. They're still together though.

porcamiseria · 19/04/2012 15:16

disclaimer: my cunts was very much directed at specific couple I knew that had affairs

I just was such a tawdry MESS

but still, alot of people that do are!

Agincourt · 19/04/2012 15:24

I think a lot of people who haven't had affairs CAN understand they whys and wherefores though. I can understand someone in an unhappy relationship, trauma within the relationship, insecurity, increasing age and feeling unattractive and unattended can make people feel they need something more. However, I think even when represented with affection off another and flattery, some people will still choose not to engage in an affair even if they want to! and I think that is always overlooked. I really don't want to make this a man v woman issue either, but I do think Mothers (therefore female) do think about the impact it would have on other people and inparticular their children if they were to embark on an affair.

I have to say though, I don't necessarily judge people who have affairs either as i do have the comprehension to understand why people may be unhappy. I know alot of my Fathers affairs though were purely vanity.

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 15:27

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

knowitallstrikesagain · 19/04/2012 15:31

i had no respect for how my partner felt, i still loved him very much

For me, these two things are very much hand-in-hand. If you do not care for your partner's feelings and do not respect him enough to be honest with him, I don't see how you can love him.

I can almost understand how an individual can love two people, but even then I think the kind thing to do is make a choice, not try out all your potions before comitting. But if it is just fantastic sex, and there is no respect for your DP, there is no love there.

worldgonecrazy · 19/04/2012 15:42

Aren't the statistics 25% of men and 23% of women will have an affair at some point in their lives - that's one in four.

And 10% of men will pay for sex.

Whenever I see a huge number of posts saying "my man would never ...." I always remember those statistics.

I think that the widespread use of social networking has made flirting easier, I don't think that it has led to people having affairs who otherwise wouldn't.

I used to work in a fairly large company where the only men who hadn't had a sexual encounter outside their longterm relationship/marriage were gay (yes they were into fidelity) or incredibly unattractive. Maybe the women were just better at hiding it?

LeQueen the wedding vows only apply to those who have had a marriage in church - Registry Office/legal weddings have no such vows.

rarebreed · 19/04/2012 15:42

My Mum had an affair and left my stepdad for the OM.

If my stepdad came on here saying 'awful DW has left me for another man' he would get lots of sympathy i'm sure.

The fact is he is one of the nastiest bastards you could hope to meet and I wish she had met OM years ago. Stepdad never raised a hand to her or called her names, yet over the 20 years they were together he wore her down til there was almost nothing left.

People say 'you should always finish your relationship first if you are that unhappy' and of course in an ideal world that's true, but this is real life.

It's the best thing she ever did.

SetFiretotheRain · 19/04/2012 15:47

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

FreudianSlipper · 19/04/2012 15:48

what so everyone who has ha an affair no longer loves their parner, that was not the case in our relationship, i did still love him, i do still live him (has been an ex for a number of years)

of course LQ that would be the best thing to do. at times people are not even aware how unhappy they are someone comes along that makes their heart skip a beat, makes them feel good of course this should be ignored or confronted with their partner what is going on with our relationship. we all think we could never lie to a partner we love very much, that we will always be honest and we should feel that way, but at times how you act is never how you ever thought you would do in a million years

LeQueen · 19/04/2012 15:54

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

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