To think that people having affairs

[InappropriateCrushes]

Is very very rife. Made so much easier with social networking sites, mobiles and email.

People I know, friends, friends of friends, colleagues, everybody is at it, or at least flirting, or sexting, or on the brink of something they shouldn't be.

It's not right, I know, I'm not saying it is. On the relationships forum there are so many threads from heartbroken women whose partners have cheated, but it got me wondering; who are they cheating with? That someone could be you or me. We're naice girls, it doesnt make us evil or detestable, does it?

Well, I think I have spoken for myself.

I said, I tend to think if I can do it, anyone can.

I didn't say that is the case, just that it has made me cynical.

That's how I feel, LeQueen. Justified in despising him. Just wishing it had happened years ago, not once we'd been together so long and I'd spent half my life with him.

My sister had an affair and walked out on her H and baby to live with her OM. It lasted about 4 months and then she and BIL managed to sort things out.

I'd seen her while it was going on and had been surprised at how much she was going out but otherwise I had no idea. It makes me slightly anxious now that I clearly can't tell.

My take from reading the relationships board is that it's cruel but why would a man leave a perfectly comfortable relationship to be on his own, miserable, living in some crappy rented accommodation somewhere, paying maintenance through his nose, seeing his kids at weekends unless there were perks I.e. sex and companionship elsewhere.

I'm pretty sure a lot of people stick out perfectly fine but meh relationships until something better comes along, sleeping in their own beds, washing done, dinner cooked and sex on the side until they can be sure 1) that they definitely want to leave (I bet loads don't as they are happy with this arrangement.) and 2) that the other person is worth leaving for. The other partner probably thinks they are perfectly happy. My own mother didn't know there was a problem until my dad merrily packed his bags and moved in with someone else.

Break-ups are miserable and honour and dignity won't keep you warm or entertained but another woman will, sadly.

hopefully no it does not make you a cunt but i do hope one day you move on

is it something you set out to do, no, have you acted in a way you never thought you would, probably, do you care that others are hurting well yes you obviously do

i have said over and over yes it is a selfish act but humans make mistakes, it is very easy to say i would never do that or my partner wouldn't but the vast majority of people who have affairs would have said and felt that too at some point in their life, they do not suddenly turn into nasty people, but what they do(and that is a choice) is very hurtful

I know that, LeQueen, I say it to myself every day.

I've said it to him, as well.

But here I am. Waiting for crumbs.

Am in counselling, before anyone suggests it. It gave me the strength to end my marriage. Hopefully it will give me the strength to end my affair as well.

Hopefullynotacunt- I'm sorry, my post was meant for the OP. I hadn't got as far as your post (and still haven't). Looking back I can see I didn't make that clear.

Well, I think the message will still stand, kitty.

I am a man, having an affair with a married woman. She has separated from her STBexH since we met. I am moving out in about 2 months from my wife. So we are both evil... Right?

Maybe...

But, I have been stuck in a sexless, intimacy less marriage for 20 years or more, and turned down offers until 2 years ago. My partner's husband cheated on her with the same person intermittently since the start of her marriage. She only found out after 15-20 yrs marriage. And we met each other and were going to be FWBs... But fell in love...

So perhaps we are not that bad?

But then there are the children...

So, it's not always that simple. There is a lot of dogmatic moral absolutism going on here. And some smug people who are going to be disappointed. Would it be better if there was never an "overlap"? Yes, but real people are scared and weak.

Back to the OP, text and mobiles make things easier, but also easier to get caught.

HNAC-Have read your post. I suppose my comment still stands. However, I feel you were, and still are taken advantage of. You were very vulnerable and sounds like you still are. I don't think it excuses an affair but I think it is slightly different to other more emotionally equally matched affairs. I still stand by what I said but I wouldn't have put it so callously when addressing you versus the OP. I hope you don't think I'm condescending when I say I think he's no good for you and you need help.

you will move on i hope it is soon as you know this relationship is no good for you

when i was the ow it was so intense the time we had together it woudl be great that it is why it is so hard to break free, when you together its great adn then when they have gone all you feel empty, but you will move on, be angry with yourself for a while and then you just accept it was what it was not what you felt it was at the time (that will make sense one day)

I agree with the OP, affairs are absolutely rife. I work in an office where everyone is at it or has been at it at some point, myself included.
Social networking, email texts etc make it so easy to do and encourage it imo. I work with some very good liars who's husbands and wives have absolutely no idea what they're up to.

Not condescending, no. And he probably is no good for me.

But before I met him, I was crippled in many ways.

Since he's been in my life, things have changed for me so much - I've gained the confidence to restart my career, for example.

The positives must outweigh the negatives, or else I wouldn't be doing it.

Thing is, the positives are immediate, the negatives are waiting just around the corner...

I did a year without him though. It hurt so much I don't think I can do it again. Not yet, anyway.

I don't accept that everybody who has an affair is detestable. My mum had an affair with my dads friend, and left him.

My mum and step dad have been together for nearly thirty years now. My dad and step mum not far behind.

It was a tough time when it happened, but all four of them are best friends now and have been for many, many years.

They aren't detestable, they are wonderful, loving people who make the world a better place.

Anyway, don't want to hijack the thread.

Just wanted to put a human face to the bad guy.

My take from reading the relationships board is that it's cruel but why would a man leave a perfectly comfortable relationship to be on his own, miserable, living in some crappy rented accommodation somewhere, paying maintenance through his nose, seeing his kids at weekends unless there were perks I.e. sex and companionship elsewhere

I am continuallyamazed at the number of women on MN whinging about their men wanting sex, and everyone tells them its their right not to etc - which it is of course, but no one seems to want to mention the possible consequences (or gets howled down if thy do)

Desperategit, if it has been so bad for so long, why are you still with your wife? Why are you waiting 2 months?

I can pretty much hazard a guess that it is then when leaving her would suit you best which is selfish.

Use him as a crutch and throw that crutch out as soon as you can. Sounds like you've come far already. You CAN do better than him. Perhaps your EA husband has made you feel you don't deserve better or need to settle for crumbs. Balls to that. You can have an equal, loving, supportive, guilt free relationship. But not with this man

I sometimes wonder if I'm using him as a crutch.

Which makes me feel even worse.

Oh hell.

titfortat

No... Not in this case. The delay is planned and agreed on all sides. And there are sometimes reasons to hang on in a marriage even if it's dead in the water.