Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not give ds a drink?

314 replies

BonkeyMollocks · 18/04/2012 20:37

Ds (4) is currently shouting from his bed that he wants a drink.

He has been offered water twice, which he has refused because he wants juice.

Apparently he is thirsty and now he wants daddy because daddy is normally a soft touch. I have banned daddy from speaking to him or going in there, because it will end with dh giving him juice just to shut him up, therefore making him not listen to me in the future and he will do it every night.

I am in a really shitty mood anyway and its not helping but dh thinks I should just give him some juice.
I think we should sit it out and let him cry it out.

He also did the same thing last night, he went to sleep eventually after 2 hours :(
AIBU to ignore him?

OP posts:
MmeLindor. · 19/04/2012 12:22

Mooming
Where do you get from "not giving juice" to "wanting a new pair of trainers every week"? Honest question.

My kids do not get everything they want. If they want something, they pay with their pocket money (half of which is saved, half can be spent). DD wanted a netbook. She saved up over £100 and bought herself one.

They are not spoilt. They are not brats.

diddl · 19/04/2012 12:23

It would also be a no from me-apart from the teeth thing, that if they really are thirsty they will drink the water.

skybluepearl · 19/04/2012 12:25

DREAMING - won't he just get tantrum next week about getting juice instead then? Why have such a build up to stopping the nightly juice when she/he already managed one night without juice and was majority part way through the second juice free night when OP posted? The reason he kicked off is beacuse he was making a last ditch attempt to over throw the new no juice law!

If you give in to one tantrum, he will know he just needs to tantrum to get what he wants. Sometimes establishing a new routine is little painful but we are the adults and we know what is best most of the time. Juice is just not healthy at night.

valiumredhead · 19/04/2012 12:27

The juice is a red herring - it's not about wanting or needing juice, it's about stringing out bed time.

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2012 12:28

I should say my bias about this is because my worst fear regarding DS' behaviour when he's older is not that he will want new trainers every month. I'm sure we won't be able to afford them so it will be a big no anyway.

My worst fear is the more serious stuff like drugs, drinking, truancy, promiscuity. I've had a lot of friends over the years who were off the rails and almost all of them had very strict and rigid parents.

I am NOT saying that strict parenting will automatically make your kid a drug addict -- please don't misunderstand me!

But I don't think strictness automatically means a good outcome either. I think it depends on your child's personality really, how they react to strictness.

Mumsyblouse · 19/04/2012 12:31

I realised a couple of years ago that mine were drinking juice or milk all the time, so swapped to water at every meal. It's easier to say 'get a glass of water' if this is more usual.

I don't have getting out of bed once they are in bed, they would lose something (I have also done star charts for staying in bed). At 4, I would not be getting a juice at 8pm, ridiculous and really bad for the teeth.

AndiMac · 19/04/2012 12:33

"It's not about the juice" is my catchphrase of the day.

diddl · 19/04/2012 12:33

But when he´s older he can get out of bed & get a drink of whatever he wants.

But until that, he abides by what someone else will do for him.

dreamingbohemian · 19/04/2012 12:35

skyblue but it wouldn't be giving in to a tantrum, it would be saying yes to a request (because you never get to the tantrum stage in the first place)

My point is that I would try to find a way to not let it get to the battle stage, and save those for really non-negotiable things having to do with safety and such.

I'm not saying the OP shouldn't do it her way if she wants to. Just explaning why some people might do it differently.

valiumredhead · 19/04/2012 12:41

My point is that I would try to find a way to not let it get to the battle stage, and save those for really non-negotiable things having to do with safety and such

Ime any interaction past bed time is likely to result is stroppiness and tantrums because 'it's not about the juice,' Grin

4 year olds tend not to get the 'You are really tired and if you are up any longer you will be really ratty tomorrow' ime.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen · 19/04/2012 12:44

It's amazing how many people are experts on other peoples children

Moominsarescary · 19/04/2012 12:49

You give in about the juice, next you give in about something else. Before you know it they think if they argue enough they can get their own way. If the rule is no juice before bedtime you should stick to it.

It's not about juice, it's not always about prolonging bedtime. At 4 they are finding out about boundaries. What is the point in having rules if your going to go back on what you say. The only thing that teaches is if I push enough I will get what I want.

When they get to school all they can have is water inbetween meals, are loads of them creating because they want juice. Probably not because they know they won't get it

RichManPoorManBeggarmanThief · 19/04/2012 12:53

If you want to be really mean, next time you hear the "I want juice" refrain, take the carton into his room, drain the contents in front of him, and then say "Tough, there isn't any" and flip the empty carton onto his bed.

........ shall I give you my address so you can call SS? Grin

Bogeyface · 19/04/2012 12:55

you are already snuggled up in bed. Can you be bothered to get up?
:o:o:o:o

Errrr YES!!!! Thats the whole point of the exercise, to string out bedtime!

Bogeyface · 19/04/2012 12:57

Well I am not an expert on other peoples children but I am a seasoned pro at tantrums and I stand by "Its never about the juice"!

MmeLindor. · 19/04/2012 12:58

Its not about the juice.

Which is why the argument that the juice is bad for his teeth doesn't wash.

As Dreaming said, it is about stopping a request becoming a demand, becoming a tantrum.

It is not about giving in and it doesn't automatically follow that if you "give in" to this (which you haven't, you have offered a solution before it became a confrontation) that you will we seen as "weak" by your children and they will take advantage of you.

And it can be part of the deal, that this is a one off situation. "DS, you know that you are not normally allowed juice before bedtime but I will make an exception today. Tomorrow there will be no juice, just water".

The following night - before he cleans his teeth, "DS, would you like a last drink of juice before you clean your teeth? Here is a glass of water to put beside your bed in case you are thirsty later".

Moominsarescary · 19/04/2012 13:02

Anyone's child could end up taking drugs, being promiscuous etc

However, I don't think forever going back on your word or changing your mind about what rules you will enforce today helps.

If they don't respect you because they know you can't make your mind up about what they can and cant do, I think then you have problems.

It starts off with little things when they are young and progresses as they get older. You won't be having arguments about juice at 15

MmeLindor. · 19/04/2012 13:09

Mooming
My kids respect me. And they listen to me. They are very well behaved (most of the time).

They don't get everything that they want, they are not spoiled and I don't give in to every whim.

I just choose which battles to fight very carefully.

DS this morning didn't want to have a shower before school. He grumped and groaned about it when I woke him. I said nothing more, we went down for breakfast and afterwards he asked if he could watch TV till it was time to go, "Yes, you can watch TV once you have showered".

If I had said, "No TV, because you haven't had a shower", then the argument would have started again.

Do you see the difference? This is what I am talking about. Taking their wishes into consideration and turning my behaviour to get what I want from them.

What I am saying is to give them the impression that they are involved in the decision making and you taking their wishes seriously.

halcyondays · 19/04/2012 13:11

You must have very compliant children MmeL, if I did that mine would still ask for the juice the next night once they were in bed. They did that with bread, they weren't hungry before bed, but as soon as they were in bed, they were suddenly starving and needed a slice of bread. It's a stalling tactic.

MmeLindor. · 19/04/2012 13:18

at compliant children. No, really they are not. But I have found a way of dealing with them that works.

I took part in a parenting class one time, and the thing that struck me most was when the teacher said:

Imagine you were in an office and and your boss said to you things like this -

Oh, FGS. What have you done now?

That is the second time today you have done that.

Why do you ALWAYS do that?

Holidays? No, don't be silly, it is too late to talk about that.

Cold? You can't be cold. You have a jumper on already.

Oh, I don't believe you are hungry, you just ate an hour ago.

...

but that is how we speak to our kids. We constantly belittle their feelings if we say that what they are feeling is wrong, and we teach them to doubt their instincts.

I try not to use (and don't allow them to use when they speak to us or each other) sentences that involve the words, "you ALWAYS...".

And I try not to say "No" automatically, which can be a bit of a default answer.

5madthings · 19/04/2012 13:22

"you can have juice but then you will have to get up and clean your teeth again"

my 4 yr old would simply say "ok then i have juice and then clean my teeth"

THEN after he has had juice he would just refuse to clean his teeth and have a meltdown over me insisting he did that. SO it woudnt stop the tantrum at all.

as valium said its not about the juice its about stringing out bedtime etc, bedtime is bedtime, i let mine take a water bottle of water up to their room if they want, i wouldnt drink juice myself after i have cleaned my teeth ready for bed.

and i DO pick my battles, thats a key point in parenting especially with toddlers, but battles over bedtime antics are worth winning imo, i could not be doing with toddlers nad young children that drag bedtime out for hours on end with i want a drink, i want a wee, i want a cuddle, i want another story etc etc and yes with a toddler or 4 yr old you give in to one demand one night and they do often try it on again!

Bogeyface · 19/04/2012 13:23

But as a parent you do have to say No sometimes!

"No, you cant have a drink of juice, but if you are really thirsty then I will get you some water"

You are meeting their needs but sticking to the rules.

What about "Can I have an apple?" when dinner is 20 minutes away? I say "No, because dinner is nearly ready, if you are still hungry afterwards then you can have an apple then". Or should I have a discussion about whether they would prefer me to move the mealtime by half an hour so they can have their apple? Hmm

Moominsarescary · 19/04/2012 13:25

Mine wouldn't ask to watch tv if they hadn't showered first, the rule is no tv before you are ready for school.

Same for food inbetween meals, you can have fruit.

The same as no juice before bed time. The op isn't saying your not thirsty you can't have a drink. She is saying you can't have juice.

halcyondays · 19/04/2012 13:29

But if they are thirsty, they can have water in bed. Mine take a water bottle to bed so they can have a drink if they get thirsty. Nobody needs to drink juice in bed, I don't drink anything but water after I've brushed my teeth in the evening. If you really are thirsty, water is the best thing you can drink.

I am flexible on lots of things, but I would stand firm on this.

MmeLindor. · 19/04/2012 13:30

5madthings
My DC go to bed without any hassle and always have. They know their boundaries. They absolutely have boundaries and they abide by them. It just takes a look for them to back down.

Bogey
I know this seems like nitpicking but there is a huge difference for a child between:

What about "Can I have an apple?" when dinner is 20 minutes away? I say "No, because dinner is nearly ready, if you are still hungry afterwards then you can have an apple then".

and

"Can I have an apple"

"Dinner is almost ready, so if you still want an apple after dinner you can have one then".

I do say "no" sometimes, but you can turn down a request without actually saying the word, "no".

And you are deliberately misunderstanding my point and being snarky with the Hmm face and the question if I would discuss whether we should move dinner, which is actually rather rude.

Swipe left for the next trending thread