To feel confused and upset by being ignored

[CaffeineShadow]

Since I have become a mum I have found it hard to make friends with other mums who are on the same wavelength as me. I have lots of old friends who have no children.
Last summer I made a new mummy friend that I met at a playgroup and we got on amazingly well. She has a 3 year old DD as do I. So began a really good friendship where we met up a lot with the children and without. The two girls were calling each other "best friends". She also lives just down the road from me so very handy. She invited me to go to Circus of Horrors with her and we just got on amazingly well and had a lot in common. I started to confide in her about private stuff, naturally.
My DD is a very spirited child, her emotions are so strong whether good or bad.If she doesn't get her own way she screams so loudly, it's quite embarrassing, she can get very hitty and have lots of tantrums. When we met up with the children we had to watch them a lot as they were either totally in love or fighting. But we used to laugh about it as it's quite common at their age.
After a little while of these meetings she came over our house with her daughter and my DD started getting very upset and unruly as her friend was playing with DDs toys. She ended up hitting my friend's DD and having an embarrassing screaming tantrum and so they swiftly left and I obviously punished my DD as much as I could and warned her that her friend's mummy may not allow her DD round to ours anymore if she carried on like that every time.
A few weeks passed where I didn't hear from my friend so I texted her and she said she had just been busy. I asked her if she and her DD would like to meet me and my DD at the park as I thought they would both be out in the fresh air together and they don't have to share any toys.
As soon as they got there I had my back to the children as I said hi to my friend and she was facing them. She suddenly shouted out that my DD was kicking sand at her DD. I quickly picked her up to take her to a table to give her a warning. I told her if it carried on we would go home as it is dangerous and naughty to kick sand. She had a scream and cry then agreed she wouldn't do it again. A few seconds later she was doing it again and my friend looked really pissed off (I don't blame her, so was I!) So again I took her away and she said she needed the toilet so off we went to the toilet and I was going home afterwards. We got back to the park and my friend said she was going. I said I'd just get my stuff together and walk with her. She said she had to go immediately.
After that we were supposed to meet up one on one whilst the girl's where at nursery but when it came to the day she cancelled saying she had totally forgotten she was supposed to meet me so had arranged to meet her family. After that I texted her again about meeting up and she sent a vague msg saying that we should meet up sometime.
A couple of weeks ago I told her about a fete that was on which her and her DD came to but she hardly spoke to me at all and then left as soon as her daughter fell over in the playground. She said we should meet up in the easter holidays.
Over the easter holidays I texted her about three times asking if she wanted to meet up and apologising once again for DDs behaviour to her DD and she sent back vague msgs saying "next week sometime" and didn't mention the apology. When next week came I didn't hear anything.
I have stopped texting her now as I feel like I am chasing and chasing and making myself look like a stalker!
But AIBU to want her to just tell me if she doesn't want to be friends with me and stop skirting around the issue? I am quite upset as we had so much in common and I really thought I had found a really good friend.
If you get this far with the reading, you are amazing and thank you!

ReactionaryFish - totally agree, too much emphasis on own, amazing parenting skills .

It's daft really. "Well I did X Y and Z and it worked." What on earth makes people assume that the same approach will work in the same way for another child? Have they never observed that all children are individuals, FFS?

Read my posts reactionary, n.b. the bits about my dc's all being very different .

Also agree with ReactionaryFish. Sounds like some people on here have never heard of the nature-nurture debate and truly believe any child can be moulded to the precise shape which they demand. I can't believe how judgmental some people can be. She who casts the first stone...

Yes, I have 4 and have needed very different techniques for each of them, in fact if I had only had 2 of my 4 would have been in danger of being quite smug myself - now know much better. Much of our personalities are intact from birth - don't take too much of the credit for either the good or bad, at best we can only modify

as empty vessels make the loudest noise....

Having read your posts it seems as though you admire her 'spirited' behaviour, your friend would probably describe it as bullying, violent, mean, screamy and spoilt (from your description).

She behaves well for her nursery teachers so is obviously perfectly capable of being a nice child who get's along with others, so the problem must be you. She is likely playing up because when she does she gets lots of attention and you are giving her the message that her aggressive (sorry 'spirited behaviour') makes you proud. As you have made very clear here.

It has obviously gotten too much for your friend, she is probably very upset by her daughter being upset and she doesn't see you as taking her or her daughters upset seriously. Why would she want to be friends with somebody who doesn't care about the effect this bullying is having on her child?

You need to address that.

I'm amazed that anyone with real experience of ASD could have so little perspective when it comes to the spectrum of infant behaviour, frankly. Just because your children responded promptly to a certain approach, why on earth assume that others will, and hector the OP accordingly?
And you're damn right it wasn't merit on your part. it was luck, pure and simple. Plenty of children are less tractable without qualifying for any DX, you know. I have one with ASD and one without, it's the latter who gives me much more trouble.

Absolutely 100 percent agree Reactionary. .

Emphatic, looks like you need a /sarcasm/ emoticon as well

LeQueen maybe my standards are low or maybe I just felt the thread was being hijacked by self-congratulatory smugness

But reactionary; if you read what a lot of posters on here who say they deal with hitting are saying, it is that we do have children who can be extremely difficult, and challenging.
In my case I have had to deal with extreme tantrums in public places, rudeness to adults, refusal to listen to reason (basically going la la la and laughing when told off ), running off, talking over people etc etc.
I am by no means a perfect parent. I sometimes lose my temper, I can shout, I am not always perfectly consistent.
However, I try to teach my son that manners, respect and consideration for others are very important, because that is the way he would want to be treated. I just never let what I consider to be ill treatment of others go. Ever.
If you have a child who has challenging behaviour, you do just have to put the hours in.
It's bloody exhausting actually, but it matters.

If the child was ASD, she would be like that all the time and not behaving well at nursery and getting along with other children under their supervision. Stop making out that all bad behaviour must be a result of some form of disorder. Most badly behaved children are just raised that way.

LeQueen - but behaviour is part of personality. Yes, we can do our utmost to shape our children into socially acceptable members of society by doing all manner of things (removal from pizza establishments etc) but there are such character traits as stubbornness. I should know, I have one of the most stubborn children in the world. And I am definitely a 'follower-through', removal-mum of pleasure.

What has really galled me about this thread is the way posters have pounced upon the OP and continued to preach to her when, at least from my understanding, she is already taking steps to address her DD's (sometimes naughty) behaviour. The OP was clearly just needing some TLC after being effectively dumped by someone she thought was a friend friend (outside of being a playdate-friend).

Ah yes, the intelligence always gets a mention, doesn't it .... has it never crossed your radar, me dear, that some kids maybe aren't blessed with the same intelligence? the same ability to learn from consequences? or maybe perfectly lever enough, but just slower to develop impulse control?
If you have experience of ASD, you won't need this explained to you. You just wanted to crow, and you've been rumbled.

"If you have a child who has challenging behaviour, you do just have to put the hours in."
i have a child with ASD. I really don't need this explained to me. I'm willing to bet I could teach you a few lessons about "putting the hours in."

"If the child was ASD, she would be like that all the time and not behaving well at nursery and getting along with other children under their supervision."

This isn't necessarily true. My ds with ASD was absolutely fine at pre-school and the staff didn't recognise my description of what he was like elsewhere. Then out of the blue he switched and was a nightmare at pre-school and much better at home.

The thing is - the wee lassie conducts herself well elsewhere and in general, so it's not as though the OP has any behavioural concerns on her hands, is it?

She posted a lot of nonsense about spirited children in a there-it-is-in-black-and-white stylee, as though that explained everything.

It doesn't, and the OP just lost a good mate. We are trying to help her!