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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

to insist that DH takes tomorrow off

248 replies

iyoul · 15/04/2012 21:30

Have namechanged because I'm embarassed by the immaturity of this
DS doesn't go back to school until Tuesday so I'd asked my brother and sister who are both back from university at the moment to look after them. My brother and sister are both Tottenham supporters whilst DH is a Chelsea fan (I couldn't care less). We went to the pub to watch the game with a few of DH's friends as well. DH's team won and after it ended he started goading them even called them a couple of cunts.
They decided to leave and him and one of his friends suggested that they were off to make love to each other because that is what Tottenham fans do apparently, I briefly said see you tomorrow and my sister said fuck that we're not going out of our way to help him. We now have no childcare for tomorrow, AIBU to say that DH should take the day off to deal with it as he has caused this problem.

OP posts:

Metabilis3 · 16/04/2012 13:46

@doIhaveto I go to footy. The behaviour as described is very much NOT the norm between any but the most neanderthal of footy supporters. Certainly not face to face in a pub.

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen · 16/04/2012 13:47

I still would like to know

a. who was looking after the ops children whilst everyone was at the pub and why cant they help?
b. why the ops dh would want people he had no respect for to care for his children?
and
c. Why did no op not deal with it when she realised they were upset.

This is not misconstruing on the brother and sisters part, they were both offended, and if they are young probably had better things to do than care for a dn.

And as for letting down their dn, pah! I think the ops child is being let down by having a father who behaves like that.

And my dh and his friends are huge football supporters and support London clubs and they know the difference between the terraces and a public house and they know the difference between banter and offence. But then again so do, that's because it's not really that hard.

I would like to think the ops absence is because she has gone to work.

As for letting down re child care as they are working parents, well sorry but that happens regardless, you should always have a back up plan and a back up plan for that if you can, it's one of the many joys of being a WOHP

CurrySpice · 16/04/2012 13:48

What Metabilis said. I have been going to football for 30 years and have never seen / heard behaviour like this (or very very rarely!)

I have certainly never heard this level of banter between family at a match / in the pub although Chelsea fans do seem unusually aggressive ime

HotPinkWeaselWearingLederhosen · 16/04/2012 13:49

Spuddybean · 16/04/2012 13:55

Wow. I thought west London pubs were posh, but i've heard much worse than this in pubs in chelsea, wimbledon, chiswick, barnes, Hammersmith, Ealing etc.

And actually the most offensive, filthy chelsea language came from a middle class girl i knew called Kate!

i am not excusing it and usually the banterers only do it to those bantering back. But it is not what normal conversation is and also i doubt any of those thoughts cross the 'fans' minds at any other time.

Catsdontcare · 16/04/2012 13:55

This is one of those threads where it drives me nuts not to know what happened in the end. I actually think good on them for cancelling. I know it leaves the op in the shit but why should her dh get away with being an arse

diddl · 16/04/2012 14:28

Perhaps OP is busy at work & will let us know later!

Nymia · 16/04/2012 15:04

To all the posters saying "well I can see they're upset and they have every right to do something about it but to withdraw CHILDCARE is just heinous and unreasonable. How dare they?"

...what I think you're forgetting is, that to people who don't have kids, babysitting/childcare is exactly the same as any other favour. It doesn't take on the magical and supreme importance the way it does when you do have children and suddenly it's urgently necessary in order to run your life.

The brother and sister are in university and are unlikely to have children of their own. Refusing to babysit probably doesn't have the same significance to them as it would to a parent, and they are away at Uni most of the time, and not around to see how this affects their sister on a day to day basis. I'm sure they're aware that their sister and BIL have other friends and access to telephones and could make other arrangements exactly the way they would have to if the babysitters had an accident - it might be difficult but it would be done, and if somebody has to take a day off work to pay for the bad behaviour towards them, how is that any different from them giving up a day of THEIR holidays to do the favour in the first place?

PooPooInMyToes · 16/04/2012 15:40

Yet another one of those threads where the female op has done nothing wrong yet still gets the "why didn't you sort it out, stop him, stick up for them, talk to your brother and sister" comments.

Because of course a man takes no responsibility for his behaviour, that's up to his wife. Sometimes it feels like I've gone back in time on here.

Clytaemnestra · 16/04/2012 15:49

"Sometimes it feels like I've gone back in time on here."

I find it more old fashioned that OP should sit by like a good little wife and let the husband be vile to her relatives, than she should have her own opinion and stick up for them despite what her husband thinks.

fedupofnamechanging · 16/04/2012 15:52

She did do something wrong though - she sat back while her husband was really nasty to her brother and sister and said nothing to defend them.

Of course he and he alone is responsible for what comes out of his mouth, but if a woman was being utterly foul to her husband's brother and sister, I would expect him to say something to put a stop to it and to defend his siblings. It's not a question of a woman being made responsible for a man - more that we all have a degree of influence over our spouses and shouldn't sit back and let them spout abuse to our families.

qioul · 16/04/2012 19:35

I really hope that the reason the OP has not been back today is because she was at work, the OPs husnabd has behaved apallingly and he would be going round to make a grovelling apology. I would probably also ask him not to see the friends he was with. As it happens I don't blame the brother or sister because no-one should be expected to help out people who verbally abuse them.

norfolkinchance · 16/04/2012 19:44

Any chance of an update OP?

AdelaideAussie · 16/04/2012 19:49

All Chelsea fans are like this, you should leave him :)

Original poster

iyoul · 16/04/2012 20:29

Sorry I've not been back sooner our internet has been dodgy all day. I took the day off unpaid as it made financial sense that if one of us was to do this then the family finances would take less of a hit if it were me. My brother and sister have gone out tonight but DH is planning to go round tomorrow to try and apoligise to them in person, not ideal by any stretch but not a complete disaster either.

OP posts:

fedupofnamechanging · 16/04/2012 20:33

Oh, I'd say that was a complete disaster.

WhereYouLeftIt · 16/04/2012 20:39

So your DH has managed to alienate your sister, your brother, and possibly piss off your employer all in one fell swoop? Way to go, DH!

Coconutty · 16/04/2012 20:41

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Fairenuff · 16/04/2012 20:42

I knew it! It's probably because he doesn't have to face the consequences of his actions that he behaves like this in the first place.

CurrySpice · 16/04/2012 20:50

I had a feeling you would end up bailing him out op. I think that's a shame tbh

GnomeDePlume · 16/04/2012 20:51

Please do make sure that when your husband apologises that it is a complete and unequivocal apology.

No 'I'm sorry if you were offended' but 'I'm sorry you were offended, I should not have spoken to you in that way and I am very sorry'.

Anything less than this could cause a longer term family rift.

Bohica · 16/04/2012 20:56

I have a DH in a higher paid position than myself in a company and we would also lose out financially if he took a day off and I went into work this has to happen to cover school holidays fairly

I'm really sorry iyoul but you are behaving like a doormat and your DH wipes his respect for you and your family off the bottom of his shoe on his way out to work.

Original poster

iyoul · 16/04/2012 21:11

Whilst I respect that some feel that I should have made him do it in the end to prove a point but would it be worth the loss in income when DH has accepted that he was way out of line and is seeking to make amends. It also seems that some including myself to a certain extent believe that I could have done more to prevent it for happening so I'm partly culpable.

OP posts:

flippinada · 16/04/2012 21:12

I really find it quite hard to express the level of my contempt for people like your 'H' (not saying D) iyoul. What a vile man. And you have been lift to pick up after him.

How awful. Something tells me this sort of thing isn't a one off.

difficultpickle · 16/04/2012 21:18

Why are you both employed in jobs that don't allow you to take paid holidays? You do realise that is illegal in the UK. You are both entitled to 20 days paid leave (assuming you work full time). It may now be 25 days (rusty employment law knowledge).

How humiliating for you that you feel the need to bail out your dh and his dreadful behaviour. As others have said there is probably more to this than you've posted.

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