'he went to far this time' (warning: upsetting content)

[thebody]

Is anyone else listening to Tina Nash interview? Her partner gouged out both of her eyes and she is now blind. She had suffered years of abuse and stuck by him after each occasion. She has children she will never see again and she said, he went too far this time'

Aibu to really really hope this man goes to jail for life and that it means life and why why why did she stay with this bastard for so long.

The lady is articulate and heart breakingly measured.

I think I understand why marriedinwhite is questioning. It's such a horrific and shocking case that it's difficult to imagine how on earth it came to this.

Can I recommend reading "Men who hate women and the women who love them" by Susan Forward for an insight into these relationships? Also any of Lundy Bancroft's books, but particularly "Why does he do that?"

Tina did not deserve this and I don't think anyone here is trying to blame her for what happened.

One of the most barbaric things I've ever heard. He is a monster.

Married, I don't believe that you are blaming Tina Nash, but, the thing is, DV is such an incredibly complex issue, that it really isn't as simple as warning someone away from a bad 'un.

This might illustrate what I mean...(I've name changed as I really don't want to be 'outed' in real life, for obvious reasons - sorry. But I think it's so important to try and understand this)

I escaped my DV perpetrator 10 years ago, after 12 years together. He was incredibly violent, and gave me some permanant injuries which still affect me today. I was extremely lucky. I had a group of friends who were amazing and supported me through the relationship, supported me leaving him, and helped me rebuild my life. My family helped me financially to get back on my feet and I am now married to a lovely DP who restored my faith.

Here's the kicker. Two years after I left him, one of the friends who supported me through my experiences with him, fell in love with him. They've been together a while now and they are recently engaged. She claims he is 'the one', he is a 'changed man' etc etc and they are planning on starting a family.

When she started dating him, every single person we knew, including her family, warned her against it, reminded her what he was capable of, and it made absolutely no difference.

She's never denied what he did to me, but she is 100% convinced that with her it will be different, that all of that is in his past, and that 'he won't do it to her'.

I find it heartbreaking, as well as a bit of a mindfuck tbh. The point I'm trying to make is that these men can be absolutely charming, charismatic, persuasive, credible and know exactly what to say to the right woman to get what they want. They are incredibly clever.

Besides which, if someone is blinded by love and determined that they can 'save/change' someone, nothing anyone says will make a difference.

The level of psychological savvy that these men possess and the manipulation and string pulling/gaslighting that these man are capable of is genuinely terrifying. That's why it's not a simple problem with a simple solution.

Bloody well said Gladtobefree.

So glad you are free.

is she getting practical support at home to cope with day to day stuff? does she need it? does she want it? what about help with her dcs? does she need help doing anything with the dcs? even someone to come with her to the supermarket?

yes i could see that happening. it is hard to know what she may need without invading her privacy or making her feel like she is being patronised. some people dont like to be offered help from strangers.

I live really close to her and have seen her around a few times. When i heard about it i was sickened to think someone could be capable of something so barbaric.

As for those questioning why she was even with him in the first place, never judge a man til you've walked a mile in his shoes and all that.

My heart goes out to her.

We live nearby too, in fact before Jenkin was caught a plea for information on sightings of him went around Facebook as the police hadn't put out an appeal. I don't know if her appeal fund is running still, I can't imagine what could help practically.

I'd like to think she is getting help, I don't know her. So can't honestly say

She will be assessed and reveiwed by SS, as i should imagine she is in a state of recovery, at present. The children will have their own plan drawn up, also.

It's very early days. From what i have seen reported, she is determined to get involved with DV awareness, but, tbh, she needs a period of time to grieve for what she has lost.

I am sure that she will be put in touch with specialist workers, who will not want to rush things. All agencies, including the police, will be working together.

well someone who knows her could easily find this thread and relate a highlighted version (the supportive bits, not the victim blaming shite) to her so it isn't out of the realms of possibility that she could knwo we are all thinking of her.

that's good to know birds. i didn't imagine she wold be left to fend for herself but i just wasn't sure to what extent she would be helped or need helped. i agree, she will need time to work through her feelings.

Having been in an abusive relationship for 7 years before getting out I just wanted to add my reasons for staying for those who find it difficult to understand.
For me the abuse started gradually with shouting and throwing, to pushing, because it was gradual it made things seem less severe. The smaller things became normal until the.bigger incidents just didn't seem so bad. My husband never punched me in the face so I convinced myself it wasn't domestic violence.
As a young mother 19 I felt that society would judge me for being a single mum and that we had to try to make it work to provided a family for ds. I thought it was best for ds to put up with it.
Also financially I would have struggled to feed myself and ds had we left.
There were other reasons but these were the main ones.

Also just in response to those calling.for him to get like for like. That was my initial response too but despite the things he did to me I wouldn't wish any harm to my ex h. I know he is in a relationship and I hope that he has learnt from loosing me and the dc and won't repeat his past behaviour with her.

I apologise if my lack of understanding caused offence it was not meant to do so, it was meant genuinely and not unkindly. Thank you to those who have answered me logically and pragmatically.

I am deeply sorry for all those who have suffered as a result of domestic violence and am the first to admit it is not something that has ever touched me directly although when it did indirectly I do believe I did the right thing. Certainly my very close friends life turned around but I accept she had very loving parents but in her eyes had made her bed and had to lie in it - at the time. Admittedly I made the decision to bung her and the boys in the car but she didn't protest for the first 100 miles.

Ultimately, Tina Nash should not be in this position but the clock cannot be turned back and surely societys efforts need to focus on raising the provile of dv and making it crystal clear to upcoming generations of teenage girls that violence of any kind is not normal, not right and not what should form part of their expectations. A little less pussyfooting in PSHE and a little more acceptance that difficult conversations might lead to safeguarding issues for which resources are needed might be the order of the day.

Marriedinwhite, you didn't offend me in any way. I always said, if anyone ever hit me I would be gone, I don't know why anyone would stay. It turned out not to be so black and white.

I agree that more should be done to educate young people about things like this and earlier intervention.

I think more needs to be done to tell young girls that it's ok to be single, as so many women seemingly would rather be in unhealthy, possibly violent relationships than have to face life on their own.

Married, please don't worry! It's obvious that you have a really good heart and were asking genuine questions, and that's a good thing. DV is so awful that the mechanics of it can seem incomprehensible and it's far better to be able to engage in an open and constructive discussion. Thank you, genuinely, for raising the question - it was very important and opened some really good dialogue.