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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect DH not to deliberately wake me up early in the mornings?

141 replies

NiniLegsInTheAir · 12/04/2012 12:53

During the week DH gets up at 6:15am and leaves at 6:50am to commute. I, on the other hand, get up at 7am (unless 1 yr old DD wakes up earlier) and get both her and myself ready for the walk to work/nursery. I don't get up any earlier unless DD wakes up as I don't need to.

DH has it in his head that because he's up I "should be up too" and keeps doing things deliberately to wake me up in the morning. For example, this morning he woke me up at 6:30 when emptying the laundry basket in our bedroom as he wanted to put a load of his washing on or he "wouldn't have any socks tomorrow morning". He woke me again at 6:45 as he wanted my advice on what book to read on his commute next.

He always leaves his bedside light on when he gets up even when hes not in the room as he knows it disturbs me - but if he's trying to sleep at night I can't read my book as he "can't sleep with a light on". He doesn't make any effort to try and keep any noise down in the morning, so much so that days when I think DD wakes up early is because he's woken her (she's always tired when she wakes early).

I'm not expecting him to tiptoe round the house but a bit of consideration would be nice. I'm very tired and even an extra few mins of sleep is a bonus Sad.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Proudnscary · 12/04/2012 12:55

I've seen so many of these threads over the years! Such weird, selfish behaviour.

I get up earlier than my dh 95% of the time and I never wake him up on purpose. Why would I? So we can suffer together?

YANBU

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 12:58

I'd expect him to tiptoe around! He's being very unreasonable to behave like the parent of a teenager by saying you should be up too.

I'm sure you're a big girl and can decide for yourself when you want to fucking get out of bed!

I wouldn't let him think he can get away with being such an arse.

YonWhaleFish · 12/04/2012 12:58

HIBU and a bit of a nob. I'd make him sleeep on the sofa with all his stuff he needs to get ready with, then he doesn't need to come in at all! evil Grin

farfallarocks · 12/04/2012 13:00

Does he resent getting up earlier and having a longer commute? My DH absolutely hated me not getting up with him, he likes the morning banter, having company, its lonely getting up in the dark and cold and creeping about so I have a certain sympathy for your DH.

I now get up with DH, its only 30 mins difference but he really appreciates it.

Callisto · 12/04/2012 13:02

I'd kill him myself. I suffer from insomnia and every second of sleep is precious to me. Thankfully, DH is considerate in this area. If he wasn't I probably wouldn't be with him.

(I know this sounds dramatic but sleep deprivation is truly awful).

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 12/04/2012 13:05

You're both being unreasonable imo. Him for not respecting your need for sleep and you because its only 40mins and if you really were that tired you'd sleep through it.

Dp leaves for work at 6 and makes a hell of a racket in order to get me stirring so im up with the alarm at 645. We leave for breakfast club at 745 and im at work for 9.

Imo a working household (office not shifts) should be stirring and up by 630/645 or else how do you avoid it turning into a manic rush around?!?!

pjmama · 12/04/2012 13:05

He's being bloody childish and selfish. Ban him to the spare room/sofa until he can behave like a grown up and show you a bit of consideration and respect.

ICanTuckMyBoobsInMyPockets · 12/04/2012 13:06

Actually OP I would expect him to tiptoe round the house. It's not just you he's waking, it's the DC too.
I'm sure it would be different if you got up first, switched all the lights on, banged the doors, woke the DC and left him to deal with a cranky child all day.
Actually, maybe you should do that!

BlueFergie · 12/04/2012 13:06

What a dick. My DH often gets up before me. Usually we are both up at 7 but if the kids sleep on in the holidays or he is going in early we wont be up together. He goes out of his way to keep the noise down, doesn't turn on lights. He does tip toe around. I would do the same for him. Wht a selfish fucker. I won't tell you what id do with his fucking book if he woke me up for that.
Who cares if he resents his commute or wants company in the morning. You are a grown up. Forcing you to wake up when you don't need or want to is unacceptable.

DressDownGoodFriday · 12/04/2012 13:08

Dh does this as well.

I have now got him trained to bring me up a cuppa so I can have a leisurely read in bed.

Annpan88 · 12/04/2012 13:11

My DH would never do this. I barely notice him getting up and getting ready. We've also a 1 year old and am up so much of the night with him that I think I'd cry if woken early!

Original poster
NiniLegsInTheAir · 12/04/2012 13:15

I don't leave the house until 8:15am as its only a short walk to work/nursery so getting up at 7am gives me plenty of time - showers etc are taken in the evenings :)

farfallarocks He definitely resents the long commute, he's been whinging about it for nearly 3 years. He loves his job though.

I think a lot of it stems from our pre-wedding pre-baby days years ago - I was the one with the long commute. He used to get up shortly after me, but I NEVER made him, if he wanted to sleep later I never said a word.

And tbh I'm terrible company first thing in the morning and he doesn't have time to chat in any case.

OP posts:
farfallarocks · 12/04/2012 13:24

I do think if you have been up all night with a baby then its very selfish to wake you up, could you compromise and say you will get up with him 2/3 mornings a week and he lets you sleep the rest of the time?

ArtVandelay · 12/04/2012 13:53

Awful! YANBU. I know you don't want to get up but can you get him to bring you a cup of tea so you can at least wake up nicely and lounge for a bit?

VodkaJelly · 12/04/2012 13:55

That drives me batshit crazy. I used to get up at 5am to walk the dogs and be in work at 7 and I used to tiptoe round in the dark so as not to wake DP up. I would even have a bath in the morning and not wake up anybody.

But when i am not in work or starting late DP always wakes me up, by spraying deodorant right next to me, talking to me, switching lights on, muttering as he is getting dressed, coming in the bedroom to ask where X, Y or Z is etc etc. Drives me nuts.

MimsyBorogroves · 12/04/2012 13:57

My ex used to do this pre-baby on weekends - he woke up naturally before me, and, instead of lying there quietly or getting up quietly he would literally roll around in bed until I woke up, and then ask me what we were going to e doing that day.

Selfish, attention seeking, controlling behaviour.

BlueFergie · 12/04/2012 13:58

But why should she? It's hardly her fault that he has a long commute. What's his logic? If I have to get up early you might as well suffer with me? He is a big boy. Can he not get himself out of the house without someone to hold his hand? It's not like she is asking him to do anything for her while she lounges in bed. He just has to get himself ready and off to work like every other grown up. If he lived on his own he would have to do it.
OP if the commute really bothers would you move somewhere closer to his work? Would that suit you as a family?

QueenofPlaids · 12/04/2012 14:45

I would really like it if DP and I kept the same hours, but he just needs less sleep than I do, so if we go to bed together, I'd resent him banging around in the morning & he's usually pretty good about that. Having said that I often go to bed earlier through the week and get really annoyed at the racket he makes coming to bed later!

We try to get up around the same time, but that's 7:30 / 7:45 through the week Blush as I live near work and can get ready very quickly in the morning and DP used to start later.

I don't think YABU if genuinely tired, but if DP suddenly had to get up earlier I'd probably try to time shift my day out of solidarity unless it really wouldn't work for me. (My DP knows I'm not a morning person so if he's up early and I'm getting up with him, he always brings me Brew before expecting coherence manners).

Original poster
NiniLegsInTheAir · 12/04/2012 14:51

bluefergie Moving wouldn't really solve the issue unless we moved considerably closer to his work which would mean we'd need another car.

Think I might try the 'if you're going to wake me up the least you could do is bring me a cuppa' line tonight Grin

OP posts:
SerendipitousHarlot · 12/04/2012 14:55

I think he's being horribly selfish! I get up 45 mins earlier than everyone else in the house and I wouldn't dream of trying to wake anyone else!

HSMM · 12/04/2012 15:04

I get up first in our house. I have everything ready the night before and tiptoe around. Apparently I'm still noisy but I do try. Waking people who don't need to wake is just selfish.

M25Meltdown · 12/04/2012 15:09

At least he isn't waking you up looking for sex. Grin

EightiesChick · 12/04/2012 15:11

At the very least, I would ignore any objection to you reading your book at nights now - 'can't sleep with the light on' indeed - point out that he puts the light on every morning and shows no consideration for you, so why should you show any back?

thisisyesterday · 12/04/2012 15:13

why don't you compromise?
he gets up at 6.15, brings you a cup of tea at 6.40 and you get up and have breakfast and a chat before he leaves?

dreamingbohemian · 12/04/2012 15:15

Don't you dare ask him to bring you a cuppa. Tell him to stop being such a selfish jerk!

Honestly. What is wrong with people like this? Is he five?