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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect DH not to deliberately wake me up early in the mornings?

141 replies

NiniLegsInTheAir · 12/04/2012 12:53

During the week DH gets up at 6:15am and leaves at 6:50am to commute. I, on the other hand, get up at 7am (unless 1 yr old DD wakes up earlier) and get both her and myself ready for the walk to work/nursery. I don't get up any earlier unless DD wakes up as I don't need to.

DH has it in his head that because he's up I "should be up too" and keeps doing things deliberately to wake me up in the morning. For example, this morning he woke me up at 6:30 when emptying the laundry basket in our bedroom as he wanted to put a load of his washing on or he "wouldn't have any socks tomorrow morning". He woke me again at 6:45 as he wanted my advice on what book to read on his commute next.

He always leaves his bedside light on when he gets up even when hes not in the room as he knows it disturbs me - but if he's trying to sleep at night I can't read my book as he "can't sleep with a light on". He doesn't make any effort to try and keep any noise down in the morning, so much so that days when I think DD wakes up early is because he's woken her (she's always tired when she wakes early).

I'm not expecting him to tiptoe round the house but a bit of consideration would be nice. I'm very tired and even an extra few mins of sleep is a bonus Sad.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/04/2012 17:09

wanting to hurt someone else to make yourself feel better.

Very well put.
People who behave like that are people to avoid.

BackforGood · 12/04/2012 17:23

He's being very selfish, and childish.
Whichever one of us is getting up early puts all our things in the bathroom the night before so there's no disturbing the other one.

skybluepearl · 12/04/2012 17:33

Hes being self centered and mean spirited. Can you sleep in another room for a bit to get some proper sleep? You would think he would want his wife and kids to be refreshed and fully rested

Noqontrol · 12/04/2012 17:40

My oh used to do this. It drove me crazy. I tried to reason with him but he wasn't having any of it. I generally went to bed later as I'd be up doing household stuff, so I made sure I was really noisy when I went to bed. That soon put a stop to it, he's really quiet in the mornings now!

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 17:42

MrsCustard, you said, "You're both being unreasonable imo. Him for not respecting your need for sleep and you because its only 40mins and if you really were that tired you'd sleep through it.

Dp leaves for work at 6 and makes a hell of a racket in order to get me stirring so im up with the alarm at 645. We leave for breakfast club at 745 and im at work for 9.

Imo a working household (office not shifts) should be stirring and up by 630/645 or else how do you avoid it turning into a manic rush around?!?"

You're not making any sense. Are you saying if she's tired enough she should sleep through everything? Really? Lights on, someone talking to you? That's a strange POV.

And who are you to say what time she should get up? It sounds as though her present time suits her - it just doesn't suit her husband.

frownieface · 12/04/2012 18:19

I get up at 5:20 to get to work for 7am, I have to leave by 6 as I do not drive and live an hour away by bus. I do not wake my dp or my dogs up. I manage to have breakfast and put a wash on and have a bath without waking anyone up.

On the same note when I have a day off my dp will be quiet to enable me to have a lie in well 7am because of my stupid body clock.

So in short yanbu your dh is being an arse.

LindyHemming · 12/04/2012 18:23

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

angeltattoo · 12/04/2012 18:26

He's being ridiculously selfish.

I get up earlier than my OH 95% of the time, i try nkt to wake him.

If he gets up early, he tries not to wake me.

It's common curtesy he's lacking. You should tell him calmly that it's not on and to stop.

If my OH woke me to ask what book to read, he wouldn't like the answer!

(my OH always gets 1.5 hrs sleep extra in the morning, and always goes to bed first too, leaving me to sort the house out! When i said I was tired once, and mentiomed just how many hrs sleep extra he gets a week, he said he needed it and I obv didn't. I was raging! Like getting up for work is optional...and like i wouldn't benefit from 2 hrs extra a day. Git!)

NearlyMrsCustardsHardHat · 12/04/2012 18:29

Imperial yes that is my opinion and i stand by it.

FeedingTheBirds · 12/04/2012 18:37

What utterly selfish behaviour from your husband. What kind of person would set out to purposefully deprive someone they apparently love and care for of extra sleep? I couldn't imagine being with someone as selfish and uncaring as that. Very controlling too IMO.

FeedingTheBirds · 12/04/2012 18:38

Oh, and I meant to add - who does he think he is telling you that you can't read a book at night? More controlling behaviour. If the light bothers him he can buy an sleep mask.

FlangelinaBallerina · 12/04/2012 18:41

MrsCustard it isn't necessarily true that a person would sleep through the noise if they were that tired. Some people are just exceptionally light sleepers, or even have sleep disorders. Not everyone is fortunate enough to be able to sleep through noise when they're tired. It doesn't make a person unreasonable if they're a light or problem sleeper, either.

And yes, OP your husband is being selfish. I don't think asking a partner to get up early with you is necessarily blameworthy in itself. For example if he wanted you to get up so you could have breakfast as a family together before work, that wouldn't be selfish. Impractical given that you have a young DC maybe, but would be acting from a nice and loving motive. If he just wants you up because he has to be, and is ok leaving you with the stress of a cranky child before work, he's being a douche.

inchoccyheaven · 12/04/2012 18:51

YANBU, I would be seriously pissed off if DH did that to me. He gets up at 5am and I get up about 7.45am. I very rarely even hear him get up or leave the house.
He goes to bed at 9pm and I go to bed aroung midnight and I wouldn't dream of making noise when he had gone to bed as we both need our sleep at different times.

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2012 18:57

I love the attitude that it is 'right' to be up at a certain time. We have a friend who thinks it is right and proper to be up at 6am at the weekend. He irons his underpants then. I just don't understand why numbers on a clock imply moral superiority. I live in Canada and I was Hmm because someone was really put out that I wouldn't meet at 8.30am "like normal people" because I worked from 9am. I pointed out that a) the song is 9-5 and don't disagree with Dolly and b) she finished work at 4.30pm slacker. If you can manage your day getting up when you do then no one, including Custard and your 'D'H, should tell you different.

PogoBob · 12/04/2012 19:20

YANBU I've never got this 'as I suffer so shall you' attitute that some people have.

DH and I leave at the same time in the morning but I get up half an hour before him as I shower in the morning whilst he showers before bed, I always avoid waking him up, it's only fair in my mind. Plus sleep is a very valuable commodity in this house to due a high energy toddle!

Original poster
NiniLegsInTheAir · 12/04/2012 19:48

Interested to see so many of you twigging that OH is a control freak on his behaviour about this alone - he is a deeply controlling person and I could write an essay on the kinds of things he does, but not now. It's very much like being married to my Dad - he used to do the same thing!

Yes I do the night shift with DD. Unfortunately I can't sleep elsewhere, its a 2 bed house so the other room is DD's. If she wakes in the night and sees me in her (as she has on nights when we've argued and slept apart), she immediately wants to be up and with me. Little devil Wink.

OP posts:
PrincessWatermelon · 12/04/2012 21:31

Just a quick reply to dreaming and loony. My DH kindly decides to start the day with me out of choice. He was made redundant and so spends the day studying and job hunting. He knows that staying in bed will not be productive. I still work fulltime and am 7 months pregnant. He agrees that it is harder on me at the moment. Hence he supports me how he can, by getting up with me and preparing my lunch. We also have breakfast together before I leave. He does not think me controlling and nor does he think I'm being unreasonable.

As you were.

LadyBeagleEyes · 12/04/2012 21:59

Drip feeding Princess.
Obviously, in that situation it's different.

PrincessWatermelon · 12/04/2012 22:15

Yes, I apologize. People weren't expected to know my situation. I initially didn't post it all as the thread wasn't about me. I was trying to bring a balance, although was probably wrong cos the situations aren't comparable. And then I got defensive!

Will I never learn not to post in AIBU?!

dreamingbohemian · 12/04/2012 22:18

Oh FGS Princess, that's a totally different situation then.

I still disagree with your sympathy for the OP's husband, given that he's not pregnant and the OP isn't hanging out at home all day.

dreamingbohemian · 12/04/2012 22:19

x-post!

Sorry Princess, shouldn't have been snarky myself then.

LadyBeagleEyes · 12/04/2012 22:28

Grin princess.
I was a bit snappy there.

wineandroses · 12/04/2012 23:19

I leave the house at stupid-o'clock for a very long commute. I prepare my stuff the night before and I do not disturb DH or DD; why would I want to? Just because I have to leave early, why should they be forced out of bed? Your 'D'H is an arse. Sorry, but I couldn't be with someone so selfish, childish, mean and controlling.

QOD · 12/04/2012 23:24

NearlyMrsCustard ...
"Imo a working household (office not shifts) should be stirring and up by 630/645 or else how do you avoid it turning into a manic rush around"

Hahahahahahaha

Hilarious. DH and I get up 7.20am, he leaves at 7.50am
DD gets up 7.40am and we leave the house at 8.05am

No manic rush, DH and I both have a bath, I wash and dry my hair too

Moominsarescary · 12/04/2012 23:27

Dp wouldn't dare wake me up as he knows how often ds wakes in the night.

However I did catch him touching the baby this morning because he couldn't see him breathing, hense baby wakes up and is then grumpy.

I don't think he will so it again