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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect DH not to deliberately wake me up early in the mornings?

141 replies

NiniLegsInTheAir · 12/04/2012 12:53

During the week DH gets up at 6:15am and leaves at 6:50am to commute. I, on the other hand, get up at 7am (unless 1 yr old DD wakes up earlier) and get both her and myself ready for the walk to work/nursery. I don't get up any earlier unless DD wakes up as I don't need to.

DH has it in his head that because he's up I "should be up too" and keeps doing things deliberately to wake me up in the morning. For example, this morning he woke me up at 6:30 when emptying the laundry basket in our bedroom as he wanted to put a load of his washing on or he "wouldn't have any socks tomorrow morning". He woke me again at 6:45 as he wanted my advice on what book to read on his commute next.

He always leaves his bedside light on when he gets up even when hes not in the room as he knows it disturbs me - but if he's trying to sleep at night I can't read my book as he "can't sleep with a light on". He doesn't make any effort to try and keep any noise down in the morning, so much so that days when I think DD wakes up early is because he's woken her (she's always tired when she wakes early).

I'm not expecting him to tiptoe round the house but a bit of consideration would be nice. I'm very tired and even an extra few mins of sleep is a bonus Sad.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
maytheoddsbeeverinyourfavour · 12/04/2012 15:16

YANBU

How horrible and selfish of him, I can't imagine my DH ever doing this

Do you have a tv in your bedroom? If you do I'd develop a sudden urge to watch it in the middle of the night for a few days, and if he complains just explain that you thought there was a system of one up all up going on?! And I certainly wouldn't be turning the light of because it was disturbing him when your reading, have you said anything to him about it all?

Spuddybean · 12/04/2012 15:20

Very selfish. When i work the early shift i get my clothes ready and leave them downstairs the night before, as well as showering and making lunch. So that when i do get up i don't turn a lamp on and tip toe out of the bedroom. Make minimal noise in the bathroom and get dressed and do my make up downstairs. I then quietly close the door as i leave.

My father does this to my mum and whoever is staying in the house and it drives me insane. What pleasure can you derive from waking someone up who doesn't have to be awake?

They invite me over for the weekend and then dad marches into the spare room and gets the dogs to jump on my head shouting aggressively 'get up'. It just puts you in a bad mood for the rest of the day. ggrrrr

Ephiny · 12/04/2012 15:20

YANBU at all, very selfish and inconsiderate behaviour from him. Especially if he expects quiet, lights off etc when you're up but he's trying to sleep!

Have you spoken to him, asked him not to do it?

CheeseandPickledOnion · 12/04/2012 15:23

YANBU. I hate people who aren't considerate like that.

RosieBooBoo · 12/04/2012 15:26

YANbU, my DP is up at 5.30 and tiptoes around and would never think to wake me. I would be fuming if he did, you need to have serious words OP.

lostboysfallin · 12/04/2012 15:28

I had a very similar thread
My dh does it and I think it's very selfish
He resents the fact that I'm not working and can get up later

LoonyRationalist · 12/04/2012 15:30

YANBU, as others have said he should be tiptoeing around trying not to wake your dd.
My dh sometimes has to leave early - pre 6am and I never hear him - that is considerate imo.
This week whilst dd1 is on holiday from school he has been letting me and dd2 sleep in the morning and given dd1 her breakfast, waking me as he is about to leave (8:30 Blush)

LadyClariceCannockMonty · 12/04/2012 15:33

Selfish and childish. Him, not you. Smile

I'd have strangled him by now. You're very patient.

PoppyWearer · 12/04/2012 15:35

YANBU, my DH does this too, even if I'm sleeping in another room, in bed with one of our sick DCs and have been up half the night with them as I was this morning. Angry

LadyBeagleEyes · 12/04/2012 15:53

How selfish.
My ex and I used to run a youth hostel so we had alternate early shifts every three days.
We were both as quiet as mice getting ready so the other could have a lie in.
And we shared getting up with a small child.
Um, that was one of his good points I suppose.

MoonlightandRoses · 12/04/2012 15:59

YANBU. To help with minimising the immediate problem I would ask your local builder's providers for the best earplugs they have and get hold of a good eye mask.

From tomorrow he should be looking after DD if she wakes prior to him leaving the house ( I am guessing you do the 'night shift' with her?).

Basically, whether or not both of you work outside the home, you both now have a job-and-a-half each. If it is the case that he wants your company in the mornings, rather than just resenting your break between the night/day shift, then he should a) be able to tell you that and b) take turns with night duty.

Hope you manage to get it sorted soon.

valiumredhead · 12/04/2012 16:02

Dh gets up earlier than us and leaves the house at 7.15 - he doesn't wake the rest of the house. Sensible man.

PrincessWatermelon · 12/04/2012 16:07

Have you talked to him about it?

I have to get up before my DH and hate it! He knows that I struggle getting up when he's able to stay in and, bless him, he gets up with me and still makes my lunch. So although I agree your DH is being unreasonable, I can sympathise with him.

It took me explaining how hard I find it, though, before he agreed to get up with me in solidarity. It wouldn't have worked if I'd just nagged and been snarky and off with him. He needed it explaining to him how I felt and then he adjusted his behaviour.

Original poster
NiniLegsInTheAir · 12/04/2012 16:24

I have talked to him about it - that's where the 'you should be up at the same time as me' comment came from. Don't get me wrong, I sympathise that he has a long commute and gets up early and comes home late, but the flip side is that I get DD up and sort her out in the mornings and the evenings so I actually don't think he gets that bad a deal. I'd love to sit on a train and read a book in silence on my way to work. Wink

This is the thin end of the wedge as far as his selfishness goes, but I'm tackling him one issue at a time.

OP posts:
Ephiny · 12/04/2012 16:29

I don't understand his logic at all. Why should you be up at the same time as him? What does his commute have to do with it? You getting up earlier doesn't reduce his commute or his working hours, does it? Confused

dreamingbohemian · 12/04/2012 16:30

It's not at all surprising to hear he's selfish in other areas. He sounds very controlling as well.

If it's a real character trait, I don't know how you hope to address each specific issue. You might need counselling to get him to see he's being unreasonable in his overall treatment of you.

Princess I'm sorry but I think that's a pretty selfish thing to do to your DH. What exactly is so hard about getting up early alone? Let the poor man sleep!

LoonyRationalist · 12/04/2012 16:38

Princess sorry I agree, equally selfish behaviour from you tbh

samandi · 12/04/2012 16:39

YANBU, it's very selfish behaviour. He's miserable at having to get up so early so thinks you should be too. What a great philosophy.

HotDAMNlifeisgood · 12/04/2012 16:46

I'm not surprised to hear he exhibits other selfish behaviour.

Care to tell us about those too?

MrsTerryPratchett · 12/04/2012 16:49

Making something hard for another person does not make it any easier on you. It just smacks of wanting to hurt someone else to make yourself feel better. That goes for Princess and MrNiniLegs. I would love to potter around the house with everyone else I love in bed instead of everyone up at 5am because DD demands it.

Bambino81 · 12/04/2012 16:55

Do you tell him too fuck off when he wakes you up? My bf wakes me up sometimes, but he's smart and does it with a kiss or a coffee, which is really nice so I don't mind at all.

Proudnscary · 12/04/2012 16:55

I think this behaviour is very good indication of a controlling person.

Why the fuckity fuck does anyone expect their partner to get up when they don't want to and don't have to?

If the partner wants to get up in solidarity and weirdly make you sandwiches for lunch, fab. If they don't then they should be respected and left alone!

GilbertandGeorge · 12/04/2012 16:55

How selfish!!

My dh gets up early. He always puts his clothes in the bathroom the night before and creeps around so as not to wake me!

everlong · 12/04/2012 16:58

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

ProcrastinateWildly · 12/04/2012 17:03

My ex used to do this, spray deodorant in the bedroom, sit down heavily on the bed to put his socks on etc. He did it because he was jealous of me not working in the morning (I still worked evenings though, and never saw him offering to swap so he was still at work at 11pm like I was).