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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

...to expect DH not to deliberately wake me up early in the mornings?

141 replies

NiniLegsInTheAir · 12/04/2012 12:53

During the week DH gets up at 6:15am and leaves at 6:50am to commute. I, on the other hand, get up at 7am (unless 1 yr old DD wakes up earlier) and get both her and myself ready for the walk to work/nursery. I don't get up any earlier unless DD wakes up as I don't need to.

DH has it in his head that because he's up I "should be up too" and keeps doing things deliberately to wake me up in the morning. For example, this morning he woke me up at 6:30 when emptying the laundry basket in our bedroom as he wanted to put a load of his washing on or he "wouldn't have any socks tomorrow morning". He woke me again at 6:45 as he wanted my advice on what book to read on his commute next.

He always leaves his bedside light on when he gets up even when hes not in the room as he knows it disturbs me - but if he's trying to sleep at night I can't read my book as he "can't sleep with a light on". He doesn't make any effort to try and keep any noise down in the morning, so much so that days when I think DD wakes up early is because he's woken her (she's always tired when she wakes early).

I'm not expecting him to tiptoe round the house but a bit of consideration would be nice. I'm very tired and even an extra few mins of sleep is a bonus Sad.

AIBU or is he?

OP posts:
Fiendishlie · 12/04/2012 23:34

I have a close friend who suffers with this sort of controlling behaviour from her DH. He makes her go to bed at the same time as him, too. He expects that she makes his breakfast, like his mum used to for his dad.

Fiendishlie · 12/04/2012 23:37

I forgot to say that he makes her face him in bed - as in, she has to face the middle of the double bed, not outwards, because she's not allowed to have her back to him (ignoring him in bed, apparently).

AgentZigzag · 12/04/2012 23:38

That's disturbing fiendishlie Sad

Has she any hope of escaping him do you think?

trixymalixy · 12/04/2012 23:38

"Imo a working household (office not shifts) should be stirring and up by 630/645 or else how do you avoid it turning into a manic rush around?!?!"

Ah ha ha ha ha ha!!

Fuck that! I would much rather have an extra hour in bed than a nice leisurely breakfast at 6.30!!!!

trixymalixy · 12/04/2012 23:41

OP, YANBU, I would absolutely kill my DH if he woke me before I need to get up.

LoopyLoeufdePaques · 12/04/2012 23:41

I work, DH is a SAHD. Littlest DD is a baby and wakes once or more in the night. I do the nights, as I BF. I get up at 5.30, feed her then get ready for work and go, tiptoeing as much as I can - I dress in the spare room and dry my hair downstairs so as not to wake him or the DCs.

I wish I could sleep more, but I certainly don't wish he could sleep less! Plus the last thing I need in the morning before work is a brood of noisy children and a grumpy DH.

adoremyfamily · 12/04/2012 23:46

My dh never wakes me in the week, but the weekend OMG. He will wake me to tell me he is going somewhere allotment, shop etc. then he will wake me to tell me he is home. He says he doesn't want me to worry about where he is, I tell him over and over if I am asleep I don't care or know that he is not there. It makes no difference and I guess after 33 years he wont change.

ImperialBlether · 12/04/2012 23:50

Tell him to leave a note, adoremyfamily! Why would you worry if you were asleep?

Anniegetyourgun · 13/04/2012 00:05

How on earth can one prescribe a single "right" time for a working family to get up, given that everyone's circumstances, number/age/condition of children, ditto pets, morning routines, breakfast preferences, length and method of commute, and clocking on time are not the same?

adoremyfamily · 13/04/2012 00:05

Exactly imperial, but he just doesn't get it, as I said no hope of changing him after all these years just have to laugh at him (through gritted teeth).

Bellstar · 13/04/2012 00:11

YANBU-my dh does this too. He is up at 6am. I get up at 7am usually so as to avoid a mad rush getting 3 dcs ready-but he thinks this equates to me lying in bed all dayHmm so puts lights on when he gets up,tv and sometimes radio in the kitchen too.

Its all part of the passive agressive malarkey that goes along with the massive resentment with me being a sahm-water off a ducks back nowGrin

FoxyRoxy · 13/04/2012 00:41

My dad is like this, if he's up everyone needs to get up or they're lazy, even if it's 7am and the weekend. Or even better if it's in MY house and I've worked till 6am, then I'm lazy for being asleep at 11am.

I don't need sleep, obviously.

FoxyRoxy · 13/04/2012 00:42

Oh and op? Yanbu and you know it. I see there are deeper issues and it doesn't surprise me.

whackamole · 13/04/2012 02:32

Like everlong, I would cut my OH little toe off if he did this.

Not that he would. Lacks one toe already

NapaCab · 13/04/2012 02:49

Just ignore him. Even if he wakes you up, just lie there and pretend to be asleep and he'll soon get the message. Buy some ear plugs if you have to.

I am a really light sleeper and it drives me insane if DH wakes me up unnecessarily but that's rare because I'm the one who gets up with DS at 6/6:30am every morning. DH gets up at 7am. I just let him sleep and don't begrudge him the extra half-hour because he works 12 hour days and sleeps like a log from pure exhaustion.

(Well, I work 12 hour days too with DS (6 months) but I'm in charge of my own time, don't have to commute and I only have to deal with one screaming baby not a whole group of adults acting like overgrown screaming babies...)

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 13/04/2012 06:22

so OP, what does your DH bring to the relationship?

oh and YANBU but you know that

Megatron · 13/04/2012 06:22

YANBU it's ridiculous behaviour. How old is he, 6? Pretend you can't hear him and maybe he'll get tired of doing it. I don't understand how getting up at the same time as your OH if you don't need to is 'supportive' (in most cases). I think generally adults are more than capable of getting themselves up and ready for work in the morning without assistance, but if a couple choose to get up together then fair enough, up to them.

Not sure how anyone else on here can decide what time another family 'should' be up at to be honest.

TheUnsinkableTitanic · 13/04/2012 06:23

what way do weekends work in your house OP?

assume DC gets up at the same time?

neepsntatties · 13/04/2012 06:36

Spend a week getting up an hour earlier than him and wake him up to be with you, see how he feels about that.

He's being selfish, he's not a child, he can get up on his own.

Moominsarescary · 13/04/2012 06:43

What neep says and if your dd wakes up earlier or in the night ever make sure you wake him up as well

naughtymummy · 13/04/2012 06:44

I can see both sides dh and I each work oth 2 days per week. So have both crept about and listen to dh banging around. When Ileave first (like this morning) dh actually likes to be woken with a coffee just as I leave, about 615. When dh is up first it would be impossible not to here him, he also brings me coffee before leaving. TBh it's lovely to sit and have a chat and cuddles before the dc wake up. I think yab a bit u

naughtymummy · 13/04/2012 06:46

Have to say though putting tv/ radio on is ridiculas

CurrySpice · 13/04/2012 06:51

Well mrsnearly, you would be very disappointed in me because we don't get up at the time that you have decided we should be in this house.

On a normal school morning I get up at 7. We are all out by 8 with no rush or panic that often

My dp often gets up early if he is adjusting back to uk time. He gets up like a stealth ninja and never disturbs me. I think the OP INBU and her DH is a selfish prick

mercibucket · 13/04/2012 06:52

At last a problem that would never happen to me. Simply be so evil in the mornings that noone in their right minds would want to be around you! You are obviously far too nice.

Original poster
NiniLegsInTheAir · 13/04/2012 07:53

Well this morning DD was awake at half 6 and she's acting tired and grumpy again. At about 6:45 DH got her up, brought her in and put her on the bed with me, then started to take photos of her Hmm. I told him off and he flounced away tutting.

I did tell him last night I didn't appreciate being woken up and he at least turned the light off when he was done in our bedroom, so he did kinda listen.

BTW, the way weekends work is that we each get a lie-in one day. He did 'decide' one time that on one of my lie-in mornings I 'needed' to be up at 9am so came and woke me up - but I really yelled at him and he didn't do it again.

OP posts: